H says there's no chance. Yes, of course, today begged, pleaded, sobbed...he kept shutting the door. "It's for good. It's over, accept it. Move on." I vowed I would try. I fear I'm over the edge. He said he was civil at Christmas. Said he told his parents and I that this is the way he feels 'NOW' because he didn't want to hurt them. He says I'm gone from his heart. Will always love me in a special way but never the way a husband should love his wife. Yes, he's attracted to me but he's attracted to many people. <p>He was such a thoughtful and loving husband...I have so any reminders of what he was. How DO YOU FORGET THEM? I sit here and cry uncontrollably and really wish that death would be easier.

It's time to stand up for yourself!!!!
Go to Plan B, NOW.<p>Don't do anything to yourself please......
Can you call someone to come be with you or that you can go to?

Terrified ~ girl you gotta stop begging. That drives him away far more surely than the "truth" about your separation and his affair. In fact, the faster you start "moving on" the better for your chances at marriage. When you get less needy, less afraid, and more independent, you will start looking alot more attractive. <p>I don't really think that it sounds over. I've always gotten the impression from your posts that your H is doing the typical WS thing...and if you can just pull yourself together and draw up some boundaries, I think you'd have a pretty good chance at getting him back.<p>(((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))) You will survive this regardless of the outcome.<p>I'm here if you want to talk to someone voice, email me and I'll send you my #. My address is bramblerose_mb@yahoo.com

Terri,<p> I am so sorry that this has happened to you. I really wish I had the words to help you right now. <p>Indy

Terrified --<p>I'm very sorry for you and these problems in your life. I hurt with you as I read your words. I'm writing to remind you that you have friends here that can and will help you to get through this with support and advice and ears to listen and shoulders to cry on. You've made a lot of posts since you joined MB and you know the level and amount of involvement and empathy which you can get here. We're with you...<p>I also have too many reminders of what my wife was; mine was a "thoughtfl and loving" wife to me for 18 years. Now her stance is similar to what your H is saying. You know about the fog, once it rolls in, sanity and decency are gone. What you're hearing from him, no spouse should ever hear from their mate. It cuts to the bone and causes unbelieveable pain. But, you also know from the stories here that recovery and healing are not only possible but likely, if not together, then at least for you--and you need to come first here. Protect what you are and realize-- know--that you have great value and worth as a person. He can't take that away from you; it's a given.<p>I ache for where you are and what you're feeling. Let me send you some big (((((HUGS))))) along with my thoughts and concerns and prayers. Post soon and let us know how you're doing. We care...<p>Ammon

T,<p>Hugs to you, keep posting, we are all here to support you.<p>It isn't over yet... I have been exactly where you are at, my H more or less hammered it into my head IT'S OVER! Few months later he wanted to reconcile. You never know. I would say about two years after D you can say it's over. <p>Take care of yourself & your daughter.

Hi, Sorry about this thread. Kind of numb. Thanks to all of you for replying. Cleo, don't worry about me doing something to myself. Used to think about it ALL the time closer to dday. Now, I just wish that God would do something. <p>Hey BR, you're right. I do have to stop begging. Just get so lost in the moment and it seems to naturally lead down the begging path. May take you up on the voice thing sometime. You're amazing to offer. <p>Indy, Thank-you.<p>Ammon, Thank-you. I'm touched by what you wrote.<p>BIF, I needed to hear from a story like yours. God, I need to feel hopeful and just can't. Thank-you.

Dear T,<p>Are you going to let him pull you on his wild ride?!?!? No. You know where this is going. You have seen and heard it before. Now it is happening to you. Remember my wild ride? It lead to depression and feelings of worthlessness but that was not true. <p>T, what you are telling us he is saying sounds like babble. He says one thing and then says another. His reasons are not solid. Remember that. When he is saying hurtful things, ask him to give you solid reason. Then walk away. He can't because his reasons right now don't even make sense to him. <p>CAn you do this?<p>Practice.
You must. <p>Hugz,
L.

Terrified,<p>My contribution to what has already been said is short (can you believe it? [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] ).<p>PLAN B, NOW.<p>Hugs,

Dear T,<p>I can really empathize with your pain. My H says the same things to me. <p>Please hang in there...you have been so strong and supportive to me. I wish we could wave a magic wand....but fairy tales aren't real.<p>Stand tall and know that you are a great person. You sound like you were a loving wife also.<p>Your H is stupid....hopefully, he wakes up before it is too late...but in the meantime both of us need to focus on us and what is good for us. I have been fighting depression all week over this mess my H. caused. I am sick about it...but I can't change it and life is too short to continue to feel this miserable. I want to be me again. I want to be happy. We all deserve that. Please take care of yourself....do something just for you. I'll be thinking of you. Pat

Hi T,<p> Along with all of the Harley books when I was in your shoes and a mess, crying, pleading I read "Love Must Be Tough" by James Dobson. Have you read that? <p>Basically the author claims the more you cry and beg the more he feels trapped and needs to flee....you HAVE to let him go (PLAN B), he is not dealing with any of the consequences because he is so intent on getting away from you since he feels trapped. It really is a good book and made me stop the crying etc,. immmediately....AND it really did have the opposite effect like the book claimed. Please read it if you haven't. <p>I know how you feel but you HAVE to get tough,stop panicing and let him go...... LU

Hi O, OD, MnM & Lu, Hold on tight, ok? I'm a little unstable right now. Didn't sleep much. Just listened to my heart beat wildly. Couldn't stop it. But reading really helps me. Only thing that does.<p>O, I will try. I will practice.
OD, You're right.
Misery, I'm with you.
Lu, I am going to try not to panic. I am going to read. I'm going to let go.<p>THANK-YOU a million times.

Hey Terrified - I think I understand how you feel. And the thing is, to get to a different place will take time and effort. <p>Accepting that this is how he feels now will set you free. Doesn't mean that you deserve this, or that you aren't worthy. This (his actions ) is about his journey, his dream. We just cannot change what he finds appealing, where he chooses to go..<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>I have so any reminders of what he was. How DO YOU FORGET THEM?<hr></blockquote><p>Oh yeah.. Boy do I know this thought. I had thought that my wife was a gift, to help balance some wild events in a truly tragic FOO...<p>You don't forget, it's your history. You don't focus, either. And acknowledge that this is where he is now, and in many respects it is a tragedy...<p>BrambleRose wrote :
<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>In fact, the faster you start "moving on" the better for your chances at marriage. When you get less needy, less afraid, and more independent, you will start looking alot more attractive.<hr></blockquote><p> You'll look a lot more attractive to yourself as well.. and you'll feel so much better..<p>BrambleRose had also recommended " Language of Letting Go".. I think you should take a look.. <p>
One of it's many wonderful observations is on the beauty of detachment. Not only in patterns where intensity is high, but in everyday circumstance. Accept, and detach, w love, if possible. <p>And, to me, this leads to.. <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>PLAN B, NOW<hr></blockquote>....<p>Dan<p>BTW, I pray for your peace and wisdom and that the love you recieve is in the way that you need it...<p>[ January 13, 2002: Message edited by: Family Man ]</p>

Hi T,<p> Hang on girl....we're all with you. So many of us have been where you are .... and can see everything so clearly. It's H*%L going through.<p>You WILL be ok but please start writing that Plan B letter ......you need to have some distance from him since this is bringing you way down and it's hard to be objective.<p>I remember being so scared and feeling so rejected, going to Plan B was frightening but the support I ended up getting was wonderful.<p>Take care, keep us posted.....LU

I know Plan B is the only answer but God, how I miss him when I don't see him.<p>I know that sounds so lame but what do you do when your heart yearns...how do you let your mind rule? <p>Not that I don't know that all of you are right. It's convincing myself. <p>I have this spirited and happy little girl who always wants to know where her dad is...and I hate myself for failing and hate him for giving up.

Will someone please help me???? H called my mother pleading with her to convince me to let go. He's moved on and I must do the same. He's never coming back and he asked my mother to convince me to stop harassing him with my pleads. He TOLD MY MOTHER THAT I'm driving him to hate me. <p>My mother called me to say, "It's over. Buy yourself a new house. Move on. He's gone for good. Don't be stupid. He told me it's not because of the other woman and I believe him."<p>Oh my God, I really NEED you guys.

Terrified???<p>Are you still there? I worry ... please post back.<p>Love,
Jo

Hi Jo, I'm here...but I NEED HELP. SO MUCH HELP...I can't seem to pick myself up off the ground.<p>Thanks. I mean it.

terrified, someone (jfk?) once said, you have nothing to fear but fear itself. Take deep breaths and ponder what is the worst that could happen? Your H leaves and never returns, ok that is not much fun, and hurts like heck...but what if he died? Or fell into a coma? Or...well you get the point, none of us has any gaurantee someone will always be in our life...not our kids, our parents, our siblings, a spouse...but life goes on... you know all this, you have been here long enough. You will be ok, let it go, if it helps pretend your H died in some sudden tradjedy, take the steps you need to take for you and your D, and live, just live, a day at a time, and leave it up to God....do what you know to do, make a list if it helps, and let it go.... The future is yet unwritten, and whatever further transpires, you must be strong, and prepared to deal with it, including your H wanting to come back, but you cannot make it happen, you can only do what you can do...focus on you terrified, not him.

Hi, I am not an expert, but my situation was plan b, majorly a few weeks back and now I am in plan a- and things are starting to change positively... for today... what tomorrow brings I do not know. I know it is hard as hell to keep up this crzy dance and rollercoaster ride. I did my share or whinging, begging, crying, pleading- and even a couple of fits... and arguing and yelling... NONE Worked, and I wasn't really trying to get anything to work when I was acting like this... I KNEW then, as I knew now,... I needed to take care of me.... and distance, but I could not and would not... I even called my H 17 times in a day begging him to come home... did it work? NO< It made him mad, sick of me, and thinking SEE< I did marry some crzy you know what!>KJIOYO<p>Anyway... follow the plans of action, for now distance.... you can plan a him when you need to see him for your daughter... you will have to see him... with a young sweetie that loves him... things may change... SHOW him you can live without him - act desirable even if you feel lower than low.
My house got so messy and disorganized it was crazy--- I finally hired a once a week housekeeper... also I went out and got my nails done... start exercising, get your haircut if you need it. Take your D to do fun things, plan things without the H. He will wonder how you can just move on without him??? so suddenly... PRAY, and come here and v ent... get back in church if you are not... and work on you.<p>I have really messed up bad a couple of times. .. but now that I am detaching, he wants to see me... but that is just for now... he doesn't always want to see me... and it is on his terms for now... but the FOg takes a while... to come back from... believe in you and believe he will come back... nothing is final. Pretend he is on a business trip... has he still not told his relatives, ... it sounds like he doesn't even want anyone to know... my guess is he is majorly confused, and in a load of guilt... over what he is doing.<p>I don't know...?<p>Anyway, start Individual counseling if you are not already in some... go to the counseling section on this board and get the mb phone number, you can call them and ask for a counselor in your area who knows mb concepts... I did this, and it is a lifesaver... I now have someone walking me through this.<p>THis is not about you, it is your spouses thing...have peace and know he will likely want to come back later...but not yet... be patient... good things come to those who wait... I was so crzed at the seperation... I was losing it... I wanted him back, and NOW, or YESTERDAY! I could not wait! Now I can- someone sd, You would not want him back the way he is now- would you? GIve him time... let time show him ... how things are with this seperation... he will grow lonely- remember you were meeting some needs, and ow other...without you... he will see that more, and you are lucky she is sooo far away... YEA! <p>THings will change, have faith, be strong... focus on you one day at a time... show him you can exchange D without crying (if you do this), or talking to him... execpt for necessary comments... keep it short and polite<p>My baby is crawling in my lap... so I need to go... <p>Hugs to you, it will get better... I also checked out restore ministries on the web, you may want to look at it... I ordered a workbook which is helping me focus on me, and what I can do to make my marriage better by myself... without a word to my H... isn't that great, without a word...<p>Take care of you, that is your assignment for this week! <p>HONEY [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]