Hi Jo, I'm here...but I NEED HELP. SO MUCH HELP...I can't seem to pick myself up off the ground.<p>Thanks. I mean it.

Terrified,<p>Can your mother come be with you? Or you go there? You shouldn't be alone right now.<p>Can you check in every hour or so?<p>Hugs,
Estes

Terrified,<p>You need to hang in there. It is scary when they say something like that. My H is doing that also.<p>Remember that you are a wonderful person...and no matter what happens you are worthy of love and respect. Please take care of yourself....I can feel your pain...I have been there. You have a lot to offer the people around you....you have helped me tremendously in the past. Please don't let this situation destroy you. I know that is easier said than done. I have been living it for the last 8 months---and it is the worst thing I have ever been through.<p>I don't think there is an easy way to get over the pain...but be patient...I think it does get easier. Together we can all help each other get through this. You are in my prayers...please try to get some rest and do something that brings you joy. Life is still full of wonder...and we need to start to experience it again. Sometimes it is so hard...I am trying to focus on any good that happens in my life during the day. I have spent so much time on all the bad---I am trying to refocus on the good. Sometimes it is hard--but I have managed to come up with something for the last three days---that is a start!!! I will be looking for your posts---take care Pat<p>A friend sent me this today--a bumper sticker slogan. "I miss my husband, but my aim is getting better" <p> [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] Just for a chuckle!!!

I'm still here. Sobbing, wondering why I can't seem to get it together. Feel so sorry for my D. All I could do today was go to church. H is so angry with me that he didn't come over at all. <p>SNL, Fear is what I'm all about. I guess I fear everything...water, heights, intimacy, food...you've hit the nail on the head. I know that my fears are what helped to get me into this mess. I don't mind your suggestion of pretending he's just not around. I have to push myself to give it a try. <p>Family Man, Thanks. By chance, do you know if the author to the "Language of Letting Go" is Beattie?<p>Honey, Incredible insight...thanks for sharing that with me. The workbook sounds like something I need. Could you point me to it? I wish you luck with your rollercoaster. Sounds like you're doing really well. Very admirable. Do people know? Do you have good support? <p>Estes, Thanks for your concern. Strangely enough, she wanted to come up here. She doesn't drive and my D is asleep so...I'm alone with all of you, thank God.<p>I'm hugging all of you real tight.

Hi,
I wonder if you are still up. I was in bed and thought that I'd get up and post one more time before I go to sleep. You have had such a brutal emotional beating through all this. The way you are feeling is perfectly normal. Don't feel bad about giving in to your sadness. You have to acknowledge that you feel awful and tell yourself that it's OK to feel that way. Tomorrow, don't stay alone at the house. Go somewhere to be around other people. Maybe church again. Are there places you can do volunteer work? At D's school? Please don't spend too much time alone now. Try really hard to keep a regular schedule.
T, please know that because your H is behaving the way he is, it is a symptom of his weakness. Do not internalize this as a statement of your worth. As my sister began to recover from her D after her H abandoned her, she kept a calendar. She bought some stick-on stars. On the bad days she stuck a red star on the calendar. On the good days she used gold. Later on, she would stick on stars at different times during the day. Gradually, she could look back at the calendar and see that there were starting to be more gold stars than red ones, and she had visual proof that she was healing. Your H has made some very bad choices that have hurt you cruely and unnecessarily. Sadly, you do not have any control over his behavior. They say that you can't control your circumstances, but you can control how you react to them. For now feel free to grieve. Be gentle with yourself, and pray for your H because he has to live with the knowledge of what he has chosen to do. <p>Take care,
Estes

Estes, All I can say right now is thanks. Keep looking for me.<p>I will be at work today.

Here's the link to the women's workbook, I think you would enjoy it now that you need to work on your marriage and your life for you only for a while at least.... leave him out of the picture for now:<p> http://www.restorem.org/Merchant2/m...amp;Product_Code=WW&Category_Code=WR<p>Here is the link to the home page:
http://www.restoreministries.net/<p>The workbook is affordable at something like 14.99, and it is helping me have somthing to work on daily, there is also a book about getting your house ready for your h's return... you may not need it, but I did... my house got out of control. and I am reading it... too, you will find it and other stuff on the site, but don't spend too much, you need your money for you and your D!<p>Anyway... I am sorry I did not realize the cat is out of the bag in the post last night.<p>Yes, both sides of our families know. My family says dump him, and his says be patient at first they did anyway... until they got mad at me, over my anger at FIL who was an adulterer and is in 4th marriage... I got so oo mad I called him up and told him about how he has negatively affected me and my family by his poor choices and examples... true, but did he need to hear it, NO... in fact he told my H to steal my kids, and move across state lines, after Fil got mad a t me... STAY away from in- laws right now, if you can, it can cause way more trouble for you... well, maybe... it did for me.<p>I have the support of this board, my counselor... I had to go through 2... and am now on a third counselor who actually is trying to support reconciliation... an mb counselor... I called MB offices, from a number on the counseling section of the site and was referred to someone who knows the principals in my city... it really helped.<p>OK, so my in-laws hate me, and my parents think I should divorce him, and so does my sister, and some of my girlfriends, but the girlfriends say they will support me either way,., and they know I want him back.<p>I also go to alanon as my H has a drinking problem and that helps... because the people there understand...part of this crziness anyway... as it is common for alcoholics to have affairs... wonder why?<p>
Well, I am having to learn that God is my rock, and that I will be OK without my H.<p>I begged, pleaded, etc... and it drove him way away... he says he feels better if I don't call because he is afraid of my emotions... I guess that is reasonable as my emotions were so out of control... and to attract him back to me, they can't be... but they weren't before he left! So it doesn't seem fair, but there were other problems... not making going outside the marriage for attention an answer... by any means - but for now... I have to be nice and act like life is great, and it didn't even matter what he did... when I see him I ACT as IF he is returning home... but not in my words... it really helps in my actions... don't tell him everything you know!<p>I know it is hard... I think he will come back, but the begging and pleading are just making him run. Order that women's workbook, it will come priority and get you started working on you!<p>Hugs, HONEY

Terrified-<p>I have been reading your post and I just want you to know that you are not alone, you have some true friends here that are willing to do whatever it takes to get you through this. Please don't take what you H says personally, you are the strong one, he is the weak one.<p>I wish there was a magic wand that we could wave and make all of this go away for you. I don't know if this will help you, but when I am feeling really down, I ask God to get me through the next hour, only one hour of peace I ask Him for, then another and another. I find this helps me out a lot. Remember, we are not supposed to worry about the future, that's Gods' job, and quite frankly, He can have it!<p>Also, look at you D, that's where you will find the strength to go on. Spend time making her life the best it can be, have fun with her, you both deserve it. Is there a Mothers Day Out group you can join? I hear that they are a lot of fun and give the moms a much deserved break. There are a few churches in my area that offer some great programs like that, how about where you live?<p>And, I like to take a walk in the park when I feel down. It's a great way to forget the days problems and see the real beauty of life. It really takes my mind off of things, especially when I have to focus on avoiding all of the goose poop on the sidewalks.<p>Don't think your M is over, its not until God says it is, and your H is not Him. But, I think that you need to take a break from worrying about it and your H so much. I have and it is a huge relief. If a spineless mommas-boy like me can make it through something like this, it should be a piece of cake for you!

T -- <p>get to your doc and ask about anti-depressants NOW!!!<p>As a WS, I can tell you just about any other emotion will gain you respect -- anger, detachment, frustration, fury. But to linger in this state of clinging and begging and feeling sorry for yourself will only drive him further away. There is nothing attractive about neediness. <p>Get a grip on yourself.<p>I don't mean to sound harsh -- but this will work against you faster than anything else you do. He will run away from these emotions. He will not want to see it -- so he'll stay further away.l

Hey T...<p>I hope you take to heart what good advice you are getting...<p>You gotta let go... the harder you hold... he's just gonna run harder...<p>Beattie is the author of The Language of Letting Go ... I purchased it recently at Amazon w/ The Way Home also by her... <p>Hugz to you...<p>Cali

Hi Honey, Thanks. Went immediately to the site. Which workbook do you recommend? The Restore Your Marriage or the Wise Women? Sadly enough, it's heartwarming to hear that you're hearing the same "words of wisdom"...it's as if you have to hear but not listen. You sound so incredibly strong. I applaud you. I wish I could get to that stage. I have no choice.<p>Hi LHS, Thank-you for your support and your words. I hold on to them.

Hi Lex & Cali, Thanks. You're right. Our closest friends knowing has been difficult. Very, very difficult. They are shocked. I am now publicly divided. <p>I am alone and the reality of that has hit me very hard. I wasn't ready for it. My H, contrarily, comes across self-assured and certain.<p>I am both embarassed and humbled. I feel broken.

So don't be alone.....no one is putting you in that role. Circle the wagons, call in the troops....Get yourself out the door and start building a support system for yourself.<p>Don't let this isolate you. YOU HAVE DONE NOTHING WRONG. <p>Make plans for you and your daughter as much as you can handle.....dinner with X and her daughter on Monday, drinks with the girls on Tuesday, movie with X friend and her kids Wednesday, invite family for dinner on Thursday ETC.<p>Don't sit home feeling sorry for yourself.
Surround yourself with friends who care.
And TALK to them -- tell them whats on your mind. Act as if your husband is right (he's telling everyone its over right?) So start acting like it. I'll bet you anything he won't like that too much. <p>But sitting home being a victim is really unappealing for him, and its adding to your depression because you're doing nothing but dwelling. Start getting healthy for YOU.

He is self-assured because you gave up your control over yourself to him. He knows that whatever he does will effect you and he loves the game of it all. He likes dangling the carrot in front of you and then snatch it away to see how high you will jump for it. Time to look at yourself in the mirror and realize that your pain is his game. Take back control and start a Plan B, if he says it's over, then show him what over REALLY IS....Plan B....in his case i don't think the normal Plan B letter will apply since it is his choice that he doesn't want to be around you. Tell him that you are sorry for the begging, pleading, clinging routine and will respect his wishes to leave him alone and that he will respect yours of NO CONTACT. Wish him luck and start living for YOU again, stop living for somebody else. You had a life b4 you met your husband, i'm sure it was a good one, now you are making your life a rotten one by living for someone else's attention/admiration/love. It is already obvious that you know, but you are not trying to accept the fact that you can't make someone love you the way you want...so you have to love yourself in the way you want. Your actions are showing BIG SIGNS of no self-love.

ditto what Lexxxy said [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] ...<p>Find that "I will Survive" song and blast it through the house over and over and over... until you believe it...<p>... cause it is true... <p>Cali

Lex, You've given me a really good action plan. I've printed it so that I can reread it over and over on my way home from work. How come it feels like I've done something wrong? I did fail to meet H's needs and thus failed at marriage so isn't that wrong?<p>Dear T24give, All I can say is that you're right. I feel no self love right now. I hate myself for all the things I didn't do in the marriage, for all the times I didn't appreciate him.<p>Cali, Thanks.<p>Thanks to all of you.

Dear T,<p> We all repeat......YOU DID NOTHING WRONG.....You did NOT make your H have an affair.<p>So, you didn't meet his needs, are you perfect? Has your H met every single one of your needs? Is he meeting your needs?Why aren't you then having an affair? <p>It is your H's fault that he is having an affair. He made that choice.<p>C'mon girl, you can get tough....blast that music through your house. As Lexxy said crying ,begging and pleading will drive him away for sure....LU

Terri,
I'm so sorry for your pain. I've been right there with you. What you need is to GET OUT AND GET A LIFE OF YOUR OWN!! I've started going out with friends, and meeting new people (male and female) and I know now that I will only be alone after my D IF THAT'S MY CHOICE! Yes there were problems that contributed to the breakdown of your M. Yes your H had an affair. But his choice to have the affair was about HIM, not YOU. Please if you learn nothing else here, learn that. My H is divorcing me for his OW. I have felt so rejected, but you know what? It's TOTALLY HIS LOSS!! I've become a MUCH better, stronger, more INDIVIDUAL person as a result of all of this. If you want a good life, you can have it. Make the decision to have it, NOW. If your H comes around, AWESOME! If he doesn't, it will be HIS LOSS too. My prayers are with you for the strength that you need to take that first step.<p>PEACE<p>MOM

Lu, why did he tell my mother that it wasn't because of the woman that he was leaving but that it was because of me??? It was because of all the things I didn't give him and she made him realize how easy it should have been and what he should have gotten from me. I should have given him more.<p>I feel wrong. I do.

T -- <p>hmmmmmmm -- do you really wonder why he told your mother that?<p>Because he doesn't want it to be HIS fault, much better if he can somehow make it yours. <p>Ohhhh, and OW? she of course has nothing whatsoever to do with this....(almost laughing as I type this)....he'd be leaving anyway, so it has NOTHING to do with her.