Well, I've been neglecting this thread a little, but it was for a good cause. I suspect W might have been reading here (which is ok with me) and responded by spending time with me [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I really am surprised sometimes at how easy it is to reconnect. It seems like it's going to be drudgery before you do it, but doesn't feel like drudgery when you're actually doing it!<p>Rose Red,<p>I teach physics (physics professor). I don't know if it's just a feature of physics professors (maybe all professor types) but we like to solve problems...once and move on to a different problem. It's almost considered punishment to have to teach the same course more than about 4 times in a row.<p>I think that's why the travel is so hard... I connected last month, you mean I have to do it all again??? Sheesh.<p>Kam,<p>One of the things I love about her is her commitment to kids (not just ours). She gets asked to do a lot and I'm sure that feeds her admiration EN. I know mine gets a boost from people recognizing how much I do. We just have to learn how to be more intelligent about it, I guess.<p>We've been trying the date night thing. The first couple were pretty fun, but they've sort of gotten predictable and boring. It's really just as nice to be able to snuggle on the couch. I wonder if date night sort of leads to the feeling that we don't need to pay attention to each "this week" since we just had a date "last week". <p>Hmmm... I've been avoiding certain types of dates (movies, concerts, plays) because I don't think they are really MB approved one-on-one type activites (you can't interact much). Maybe I'm overthinking this a little. :rolleyes<p>Jeffers

Uh, and I met my husband's need for SF last month! You mean I have to do it again?! (My husband can only understand my feelings about the conversation and emotional closeness I need when I explain it in terms of the SF he needs.)<p>Rose Red

First I have to say Rose Red you crack me up! That is actually the exact way I explained it to my H. When the s**t hit the fan and he said he didn't get enough SF I said how about if we only had SF when he was open and honest and filled my #1 EN. That got him thinking!!!!! [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I think it is a mixture of quality and quantity. Let's face it, 2 people could spend 40 hours a week together and still not be connected. My H and I have alone time (not enough IMO), but it is hard with a 6 year-old and a 3 year-old. We try to do the recreational EN when the kids are up, play a game, do a puzzle, etc. Our "time" together doesn't start until they go to bed.<p>If you think 5 hours is enough time now, think about how many hours it took together to get to 5 hours being enough. Would 5 hours have been enough to get you where you are now? If not, it won't be enough to keep you there either!<p>JMO,
Jen

Redhat,<p>I understand the one-on-one comment. We did a Rec activity in December when we both worked selling concessions at a HS debate competition. We were there for about 10 hrs, but we did get to talk and interact w/ each other for some fraction of that. It was a lot of fun (hard work, though). Even though we didn't interact the whole time it was a very positive, shared experience.<p>I think it is not good to substitute activities like that for one-on-one time, but it is good to do activities like that instead of doing things separately! That's the point I think I have been forgetting.<p>Not sure when I'll be in CA again. Not in January like I thought, too much family stuff going on. Probably in Feb. Right now I'm working on a proposal to get money so I can do research and get paid in summer.<p>conqueror,<p>I think it is a big deal where the M sits on the priority list. I know that neither of us had the M first. I think we figured that it would take care of itself, while other things seemed to require our direct attention, like jobs, kids, ...<p>I don't feel quite so far down the list right now. I'm trying to figure out if I'm comfortable where I am, ya know. It seems to be a continually changing situation and it almost feels like were trying to adapt to each other again- almost like starting over. Trying to learn how to talk to each other and focus on each other. Sometimes it seems artificial and smothering, other times not.<p>Rose Red,<p>Language I can understand. Now I get it! [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]
You don't know how close that cuts.<p>FeelingSoAlone,<p>You're right about the quantity/quality issue. Our time always came after everything else was done and all kids in bed. That's a disaster with teenagers who feel they can be involved in every conversation within earshot, and they stay up almost as late as us. :eek <p>The thing that's surprising is how few hours we spent with each other for so many years. Of course, that could be revisionist thinking on my part, too. I think we were so busy that neither cared or noticed that we were having little to do with each other. Who had time or energy to contemplate the M at all, much less be concerned whether it was healthy or not. I guess the problems start occuring when one person wakes up before the other and sees that they've been emotionally abandoned.<p>gotta run,<p>Jeffers

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Posted by Rose Red:
My husband can only understand my feelings about the conversation and emotional closeness I need when I explain it in terms of the SF he needs.<hr></blockquote><p>Hey, if he gets it even then, count yourself lucky! I've tried explaining it that way, and several others related to SF, and I'm still lucky if I get a one-on-one date or lunch once a month. He does not get that 5 min of cuddling b4 sex is very nice, but not my idea of "quality relationship-building time". He is getting slightly more clued in though. Maybe by the time we hit retirement...

Hmmm... Hi jeffers,
Have been following your thread and thinking about your points which are all well taken...<p>5 hours is only a problem IF it bothers you or your wife... It seems to me that if both of you are content with the number of hours spent together considering your busy schedules, then it would be fine. If it is bothering you, then perhaps you could make some minor changes? One day those kids will be grown and gone. Just make sure that there is something left between you and your W!<p>If you both are happy with the limited number of hours that you have together, perhaps you could set aside one date night weekend for just the two of you? You know, one weekend where you make that special effort to spend extra time & do nice things for each other. That is, after the kids are all done with their activities, or whatever?<p>GO see a movie, and try to go early enough so that you can spend some time afterward--maybe over your favorite dessert--discussing the movie indepth. Share a new article or concept from MB/Dr.Harley together that you have never read, as well. Maybe even plan a 1 nighter at a hotel together and order room service. <p>I guess what sort of forces US to spend more extra time together is sharing one car! Like you, we have 3 kids so I'm feelin' ya on the "busyness of life..." Believe it or not, having one car really assists us in POJA as far as keeping each other informed of events and schedules. Maybe that could be a small way to "connect" with your W? Would she be willing to drive you back and forth to the airport for your frequent trips without feeling overwhelmed?<p>Going for walks or working out together gives time for conversation as well as recreational companionship. Attending seminars together, also gives together time. Cleaning house or accompanying your W to grocery shop would be other ways of taking time together. I think it all counts, but esp. when kids are not involved.<p>Maybe you guys need to go over the recreational companionship survey in "Rebuilding Romantic Love" to find some new activities that you both could try together. There is a big long list of different activities that you guys could read over on one of your date nights and decide what you would both like to try? Maybe schedule one new activity per month for just the two of you? <p>Would your W be open to trying laser tag or paint ball wars? Maybe I'm selfish but I think it is dangerous to allow the kids' activities to consume your marriage, if that is your only extra time.

Hi BtDt,<p>Yes, there were some good points made - I've been mostly whining, though. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] <p>It's the negotiating and understanding each other that's hard. Lot of guessing. She thinks I'm bothered by her computer time, so she turns off computer and curls up next to me on the couch (nice). Then turns on T.V. Of course, can't do much more than that with kids all around. That really seems to be the best we can manage lately. We seem to do ok whenever we can find an activity, it's just so hard to come up with them. You had some useful suggestions, thanks.<p>I don't know how you manage with one car- you must live in the city. W hates interstate driving and will not drive downtown to meet me (or airport) - well, she has done that a couple of times, but only under duress. <p>Funny thing, though, before kids we used to only have one car and do grocery shopping together, etc. Maybe it's not a good idea to split tasks to save time if you don't spend the time you save with each other?<p>Really stressed right now. Have a camping trip this weekend. I'm in charge and the event we're attending is poorly organized and very confusing. It just has disaster written all over it. Plus, I'll be gone all weekend, miss time with my W and when I get back we start all over again in "weekday" mode where our life is dominated by external events. AARRRGGHH.<p>Well, gotta go.<p>Jeffers