Starpony wrote:
<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>If it's of any interest, my H and his "slug" "broke up" within a month after our divorce was final. And who did he call in his misery? Me. Saying he moved too quickly to divorce (what - a 3+ year affair is quickly?) and fishing for how receptive I would be to trying again... But if you remember my story, this vacillation was a regular occurence, and I just didn't bite this time. And sure enough within 6 weeks he was talking to her again. I almost think that if I would play - this game would go on indefinitely. But like you I had to come to the decision - independent of the waffling actions of the ex-H - that it was time to truly move on. <hr></blockquote><p>Dear Starpony,<p>I remember you from when I first became a member here on MB. <p>I read your recent response to Terri and I'm of keen interest regarding your situation.<p>I "fear" my xH may very well emulate your xH in so many ways, and I believe the day may come he will approach me with confusion regarding his decision to D, along with offers of exploring recovery of sorts, only to pull me back into his emotional madness.<p>Prior to D, my xH wanted to continue with the triangle and he would have done so indefinitely if I wouldn't have gone to Plan B.<p>I, like many here, have had a pretty rough, long road of infidelty in my marriage. I believe I miss what we once had and only fantasize about the potential I THOUGHT my H had as a good marriage partner, if only he would change.<p>My question to you is: What questions did you ask yourself to come to a resolved decision that you no longer wanted the marriage or a continued relationship with your xH?<p>God bless, and thank you in advance for your help.<p>Love,
Jo<p>[ January 13, 2002: Message edited by: Resilient ]</p>

I too await your reply to these questions. Although I am not divorced I am in somewhat the same boat. I have the same feelings that if she would only change her actions, we could be better than better.<p>jd

Gentle nudge to the TOP for Starpony.

Bump Bump ... ^

Hi Jo,<p>I'm not here too often anymore, sorry I didn't see this sooner. I would be happy to talk a bit about my situation.<p>It's a bit of an edited version to say I didn't bite - more accurate to say I remained guarded and certainly didn't let my emotions lead my actions. <p>At first I listened to ex-H as he cried over the breakup. And I continued to listen as he earnestly and (I believe at the time) sincerely argued his case for rebuilding for a good six weeks. And I even spent a weekend with him and began to entertain the idea of what it would take to try again. He had the amazing huevos to say that he could do everything I had asked in the past and my reluctance to take a risk was the only thing standing in the way. So I called his bluff. I was seeing someone casually at the time and said I would be willing to cool that off, I suggested we spend my birthday together and that I plan to come to visit his new home (I have never been there). And, well, he panicked. And it concided with him hearing from OW for the first time in a couple of months. And all of a sudden I am hearing the same evasiveness, defensiveness, uncertainty and turmoil etc. in his voice on the phone and I just asked myself: " do you really want this?" And i was able to clearly answer NO. In fact, I was relieved in a strange way. <p>Relying on someone else to change in order to make a relationship work is a sure way to fail. And it is hard with our exes, because we sometimes do see them changing. Mine has been in individual therapy now for over a year, and he is far more self aware, and better at managing his anger, etc. I have changed too and we will both continue to change over the course of our lives. So it is always tempting, if you still have residual feelings and love left, to fantasize about what it would be like if you both changed enough, and in the right ways, to be able to make it work together.<p>I don't know Jo. For some (like me) the opportunity presents itself and you have to test it. What was different for me this time was two things: (1) as soon as the waffling started I KNEW - and I mean KNEW I had no desire to be there and since we are divorced I have no lingering feelings of obligation to be there and, (2) I was not devasted, nor even very angry at ex-H when it happened. I expected it of him and certainly didn't take it personally. This is about him, not me.<p>And two other things helped too. One is the simple passage of time - trite but true. And the other is (surprise) dating again. I know at some level I was afraid of spending the rest of my life alone and having "tested" my ability to date has helped my confidence and self esteem immensely. No, I haven't met another life partner, nor am I even interested in that right now. But I now feel like when I'm ready, I can.<p>If there is ever a next time (and all my friends say this is a "when" not an "if") I will try very hard to say - "Call me in six months if you still feel like reconciling". My ex cannot stand being alone. I know this about him - he even knows it about himself. But I no longer care to be the space filler. It is true that once we had much much more than that - but that was then. And "then" is getting to be quite a long time ago... I want to focus on the now.<p>Hope this helps. ((Jo)) Take care.<p>starpony