I'm sure that any WS would not like their respective families to know that they have been unfaithful. That person would probably be very ashamed of themselves to have that knowledge made public to the people who love them and whom they love. However, hiding the truth is not the answer. <p>If that person chooses to lie about what they are doing that is so damaging to the relationship and to any children, is it possible that by assisting them in any way in that lie, you are enabling them to continue? By enable,I mean that word in the sense of of the codependant/ addictive relationship. You may be contributing to the avoidance of consequences for their actions. <p>Isn't part of what is taught here at MB admitting to our own resposibility towards the state that our marriage is in now? Doesn't that extend as well to the WS? Just a thought....

Well, but I still believe that it would NOT win points for the BS....maybe its not fair to the BS.... but it would NOT help the situation. <p>The WS has to live with what they have done... has to come to terms with it...and has to eventually meet with God about it all. And in this process, if they feel they want to tell the rest of their family, it should be up to them.<p>I don't think a BS would want the WS to resent them by telling the rest of the family.... I mean..what would it accomplish?? a bit of revenge???? <p>Also, children may not understand everything involved...and neither will the rest of the family..i just think it becomes rough for all involved..and wouldnt be the best to do.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by ConfusedMom:
<strong>WELLLLL..........that pretty much pissed me off! they asked if it would be a major LB...and i said YESSSS, it would..... and you had to go and say we would lie about it.... whatever!!<p>hmmm, maybe you are an ogre??? do ya think????? or at least in your spouses eyes??? anyway... I do NOT recommend it....and I'm stickin to that one!</strong><hr></blockquote><p>I imagine that if you're pissed off about being faced with the truth, then you have not resolved your guilt.<p>OF COURSE I'm an ogre in my wife's eyes. How else can she justify her decisions?<p>For the record, I believe you in that finking on the WS to her family is an LB. Of course it is, she's ashamed and doesn't want her family to know the truth. To have the opportunity to do it over again, I wouldn't tell unless asked.<p>In 100% of the cases that I am personally involved with, the WS lied to her family about what was going on. I suspect that this is typical. It makes sense that it is.<p>Now, ConfusedMom, maybe you're the exception. Then again, maybe you chose your MB name appropriately.<p>Ogre

WAT -- <p>I don't often disagree with you -- but I wonder what you're up to with this.... <p>ConfusedMom quote: "WELLLLL..........that pretty much pissed me off! they asked if it would be a major LB...and i said YESSSS, it would..... and you had to go and say we would lie about it.... whatever!!"
WAT Quote: "I imagine that if you're pissed off about being faced with the truth, then you have not resolved your guilt."<p>ConfusedMom offered her opinion on whether or not telling WS's family is a LB. Not about whether or not WS's should tell the truth. And even you agreed with the fact that its most likely a LB'er.<p>So on what basis are you assuming anything about her being faced with truth and having unresolved guilt???? I thought it was insulting.

Lexxxy, this is very simple. I find it improbable, though not impossible, that a WS in the height of an affair would tell her family the truth about marital problems, including the existance of a self-inflicted affair. I just can't get there. This was not my experience nor the experience of OM's W in dealing with his (OM's) family.<p>So, I admit to making a generalization about the expected behavior of WSs in representing the truth of an affair to their biological families. I stand guilty of "racial profiling." I admit it. And I still believe that WSs, in general, will lie to their families about the reasons for marital discord. <p>I agree that perhaps ConfusedMom, and other WSs posting here, may not represent the typical case. The fact that she's here speaks volumes. I did not intend to insult any one individual, just to provide perspective on my view of typical behavior based on the hundreds, no, thousands, of posts I've read here.

didn't see a "generalization" here:<p>posted by WAT<p>I imagine that if you'repissed off about being faced with the truth, then you have not resolved your guilt.<p>and thats what I thought was insulting to ConfusedMom

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Lexxxy:
<strong>didn't see a "generalization" here</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Fine.<p>I cannot make you, my W, or anyone else "see."<p>WAT

OK, I cannot resist. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>In my readings here and especially in the discussions about telling W's/H's of OP and certainly family members several points come up.<p>1. The rule of Honesty applies to the spouse in the marriage, but not necessarily to other parties.<p>2. Telling the family and friends about the affair often provides support and help, but doesn't usually help rebuild the marriage.<p>3. The issue of the WS's honesty needs to be considered in terms of timing to my mind. When deep in the affair, I would expect that honesty MAY not be the watchword. However, if the divorce papers are filed and the family is coming apart, my guess is that the WS might well be very honest about what has happened. It also strongly depends on the type of relationship the WS has with their family.<p>Is the ABSOLUTE truth or COMPLETE truth told, I doubt it. Why? because what might appear to be the ABSOLUTE/COMPLETE truth to the BS probably isn't to the WS. We are talking about people with different agenda's, views of their marriage, and views of their spouse.<p>Just from reading here and talking to people, I would expect that telling the family often means that the WS has more to overcome, and if they are not particularly strong, it may be more than they can overcome.<p>If my memory serves me correctly, the Harley's recommend spreading the word to as few people as possible.<p>Sorry I couldn't end the debate, but perhaps some of the debate has more to do with timing and perspective than absolutes.<p>God Bless,<p>JL

Thanks Lexxy..........that was exactly my point! The question was..... should the BS tell the WS's family.....and I answered it... NOT unless you want a major LB to come of it.<p>Sometimes I feel pretty beat-up on in here! but, thats ok, worthatry.......i know we are all just hashing out our thoughts...no problem, u ogre, u!<p>..... Beat-up--ConfusedMom...

I've been struggling with this issue for a long time, mainly because her dad is a psychologist and I would hope he could help her thru this. She still loves the OM despite him breaking it off, despite this being his 3rd A on his wife of 10 years, despite him having herpes, despite his violent temper, his W had him thrown in jail once. Despite, him being in another state (shed have to leave our boys) Just seems too dam impractical, but that isn't what As are about is it? They lost their virginity to each other at 15 and she told me last night she has thought about him often over the years, theyre soulmates, yada yada, and feels that she is cheating me if we stayed M since she cant love 2 men. So she wants a divorce, I'd like to give the separation a chance to work and hope that her love for OM fades like a tie dyed shirt. who the hell knows but know she likes her independence, even found Loestrin (oral Contraceptive & I'm fixed so is OM) in her cupboard. (I didn't confront. She must be thinking of being promiscuos). I think her dad confronted with these issues might be able to help her, I don't know for sure but I do know my wife would be pissed but since she wants a D i'm down to my last straw and its not even long enough to suck the backwash up from the bottom of the bottle. ILs have called twice while I was here to talk to my wife and I talked to them briefly about the boys, etc, but I suspect they won't call me to really ask my side of the story. My wife is the youngest of 3 Ds and the other 2 have also been Dd. Is there a way I can get FIL to talk to WW without him letting on to her that I tallked to him? Maybe I should call a S and bounce it off of her as to how to aproach FIL? any ideas? this just gets too unbearable. Thanks!

Just an update, my wife's aunt just died from pancreatic cancer So I called ILs to express my condolences and that I was sorry their D and I were getting D. Said that I really wanted to go to MC and reconcile but WW didn't. they asked why and I said I couldn't tell them. That there was so much more to this and that their D would need to tell them when she was ready. they did realize that there was something different with our D compared to their last Daughter. They know my WW has not opend up much and htey haven't pryed but maybe they might now. I would be shocked if my WW told them of PA. So I think I had good self control and didn't LB.