OK, here's the deal. My WH was on a business trip last Thurs to Sat. My parents were here visiting Thur to Sun. They know about the A. So, WH decided he could not face them at this point in time and told me he was going to stay at friends house Sat night and golf Sun, come hone afterwards. The friend and his spouse were aout of town that night. <p>H call me Sat and let me know he was back in town.<p>Sun, he came home, tired we chatted a bit and he went to bed fairly early.<p>This morning, I picked up his pants from the bedroom floor and, as I always do, and always have done, before putting them in the laundry, emptied his pockets. I found 2 ticket stubs to a movie Sat night. I asked H about it and he said yes he went to the movie, I asked 2 of you? He said no that he had picked one stub up off the urinal in the bathroom, so he would'nt pee on it.
I let it go at that. H is now at work.<p>Now there are a couple of red flags here.<p>1. H told me he had watched a couple of movies at friends house never mentioned going out to a movie.<p>2. Two ticket stubs. Why would you pick one up off a urinal and put it in your pocket instead of in the garbage?<p>3. Theater is fairly close to OW's area of town. It's actually about halfway between where he was staying and where she lives.<p>So, this is obviously bothering me a great deal. I asked him about it. He answered me. Do I need to let this go. I'm having trouble doing that and feel like I am going to confront him again tonight. Ask him something like, I have no reason to think your lying to me do I? It just seems so strange.<p>He swears to me that the PA is over. That there is practically no communication between them anymore outside of work. H also tells me that he is moving out soon and lets me know that due to this I really should not be concerned about what he does anymore and that he does not like answering to me.<p>So what do I do, let this just bug me for now and keep my mouth shut in hopes that we will one day, be in councelng and I can ask again then?<p>Tell him I have a real problem with his story and that I hope he has enough respect, if nothing else, left for me that he would tell me the truth.<p>BTW, he also insists he is not leaving me for her. That they can never work out and she is seeing someone new. (Her D is not final yet, she is seperated, already slept w/my H and now has a new boyfriend, real moral winner, huh!!)<p>So, any and all input would be great. Not sure what I want to do right now. I am trying to Plan A as well as I can until he moves out, ya know, want to have him leave with that feeling of home being a safe loving environment, but I also hate the idea of having the wool pulled over my eyes again.<p>[ January 14, 2002: Message edited by: needing ]</p>

I hate to say it...but all appearances suggest that he wasn't alone at the movies [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] I wouldn't let it go...but I'm not sure what your best "next step" would be. Give it time and someone wise in these things will answer [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

You know the answer, you are not pulling the wool over your eyes, just because you haven't FORCED him to tell the truth. You only do that if you BELIEVE HIM!!<p>Drop it, you won't gain anything by LBing to force the truth from him. He won't suddenly have an epiphany and realize the error in his ways!! LOL<p>He is leaving to be with OW, or when he does leave, he will most likely see her more often than he is already. Don't pull the wool over your eyes on that one. It is right in front of you.<p>I did it, everyone here told me I was wrong, I knew the truth but chose not to believe it. You can choose not to believe it to, but it will hurt less if you don't. <hugz><p>If you want to stay in plan a, then keep it up. Don't force the truth from him, go along your merry way and don't try to get him to do anything. Just do what you want to do, became a better you, and let him see the changes. <p>He needs to come out of the fog on his own. Plan a'ing only puts a strong breeze through now and again.<p>I'm sorry for the pain you are in. I lived it too. I hope you are on meds to get you through this. My H eventually came back after he did exactly what your H did (or said he was doing). My H honestly left with the intention of being alone, but that didn't last long as soon as contact resumed. The fog is so dense sometimes. <p><hugz>
HbH

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>So what do I do, let this just bug me for now and keep my mouth shut in hopes that we will one day, be in councelng and I can ask again then?<p>Tell him I have a real problem with his story and that I hope he has enough respect, if nothing else, left for me that he would tell me the truth.<p><hr></blockquote><p>Leave it alone. and, even in counseling later, I would leave it alone... you are probably right... what purpose would it serve to 'force' him to face it... when WSs are truly ready to recover they are more forthcoming on their own...<p>To force the issue, now and possibly then, would only continue to create a wedge between you...<p>being right doesn't always lead to the results that we want.<p>Cali

OK, but this is really hard. It just seems to go against my nature to not confront the situation.<p>I don't believe him and want him to know it.<p>But, I will keep my mouth shut on this one. As hard as that may be.<p>Thanks to all for taking the time to respond to me. I knew I would get a voice of reason from you guys.<p>Needing

I have a totally different take on this. It is obvious that he is lying. He went to the movie with someone, since he told you one thing and then changed his story then made up the ticket & toilet story it's pretty obvious that he went to someone. It is also obvious that he paid for he tickets. Why? Because if they had gone Dutch, each would have had their own ticket in hand. He paid for two tickets, was handed two tickets, gave them both to the movie attendant, and then put both stubs in his pockets?. This was a date. And he does not want to you know who he was with.<p>In my case, I would not let it go. This would be for my own sanity, to affirm my self, to stand up for myself and to set some boundaries. And it does not hurt to let him know that you are not as stupid as he seems to think you are. The trick is doing this in the most non-love-busting manner you can muster.<p>"What I am about to say is not to start a fight but more to save my own sanity. It is obvious that you took someone to the movies. Do not tell me lies. They do not protect me and they do not hide what you are doing. Your lies are an insult to my intelligence and my standing as your wife. Until the day we sign the divorce papers I will continue to be your wife and expect to be treated with respect and honesty. I would rather that you hurt me with honesty, then you degrade and insult me with lies. I have no move to say one this."<p>I might even write it down and give it to him so that there is no chance to get emotional. If you said something like this to him, and he starts to argue with you. Just stop him, say you are done and walk away. This can be done in a non-love-busting manner, with as much grace and composure as you can gather. Practice in front of a mirror is you must to get it down right. I am a staunch believer that Plan A must have it's boundaries set.<p>If you let it go, he will believe that he has pulled on over on you or that you will let him walk all over you. Plan A does not mean "Walk all over me."<p>Hope this helps, it is my 2 cents.

I think Zor is right.
There's no reason to leave him thinking he's put one over on you (again.... [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] )<p>I wouldn't open it up for a discussion -- but simply state it the way Z did.

Z... what a great non-LB way to put it... <p>My way is to get confrontational... so I would let it go rather than LB... so I let a lot go so I will not...<p>I am noting this for future reference...<p>Cali

Wow Z,<p>I can save my dignity and deal with this issue. Cool!!! I wrote it down. Way less chance of an emotional confrontation that way. <p>Thank you so much. I knew I wanted to let him know that I think he is lying, but did not know how to do it. Your words are perfect.<p>Thanks,
Needing

needing, <p>Glad it helped. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Just wanted to interject one more thing.. if he asks how you know for sure... just smile, wink at him and tell him that it is intuitively obvious. Don't ever give tips to a lier so they can get smarter. Just makes your job harder.

OK, so I give him the letter tonight. 2 things can happen. He continues to deny that he was with anyone, at which point I discontinue conversation. <p>Or, he fesses up and admits he was with her. What do I do then? Do I ask him to move out now, tonight because I can't take the lies and will not tolerate a continuing A? Or what? I don't know.<p>Needing

I guess your response would depend on where you are in the process. Are you in Plan A or Plan B? Plan A, right? Are you ready to go to Plan B if it turns out that he is seeing someone?<p>[ January 14, 2002: Message edited by: TowardsTheFuture ]</p>

One more thing. He is being sooo nice to me today. Called me just know to let me know he will be a bit late. His boss is in town and wants to talk to him this evening. Give him his review. Easily verifiable as H's office is less than 3 minutes from our house. I can and do drive by often, it's on the way to grocery store.<p>He had to stop by the house for something earlier today and was just really smiley and easy going with me.<p>Am I throwing a wrench into something here if I bring this up. I'm getting cold feet now. I am starting to hate confrontation.

Yeah, I think if he is seeing her, or anyone else for that matter, I am ready for Plan B. I know I cannot live with him if he is involved with someone again. My best would be to attempt a Plan A with him out of the house. I would not be able to look at him knowing he was with her again. Making me sick right now just to think about it.

Dear Needing,
I dont post much, but I wanted to let you know that my XH (first marriage) was always in a great mood, and nice to me when he was meeting OW. I guess that put him in a good mood. I would do your office drive by, but then again OW works with him right?? Another thing if you still have the two tickets they should be in a number sequence, If he truly found it in the bathroom, they will not be in sequence. I wish you luck. Dont let him walk on you, keep your dignity.(huggs)) MrsD