It always helps me to post and I gotta get some stuff out, so...<p>My C suggested that I find a CODA (I think that stands for Co-dependents Anonymous) group around my area. Anyone know of some in NH area? I plan on doing some research this afternoon... I need support for the months ahead so that I do not go back to being co-dependent as my H progresses in individual counseling.<p>It's so hard living with this man. Our personal relationship is getting much better everyday, but just all these unresolved issues are basically making everyday living very difficult. Actually, this is what had been happening the past 2 1/2 years, I just didn't know it and I was just helping my husband run away and avoid his issues by being codependent.<p>My counselor says it's now or never and the best way I can help my H is to just be strong, stand my ground, and above all else, don't get trapped into being codependent any more. I basically have to be his mom and set ground rules. AND I need to have a time limit so that I will not let my H's unresolved issues run the rest of my life.<p>Tough. Very tough. So, here comes the venting part about what I have to deal with nowadays...<p>1). H ran away on Dec 26th at the last minute for a day to "Dan's house", whoever the heck that is with no last name, because he was terrified of facing my parents who were visiting.<p>2). My tire blew out a couple of weeks back and my H adamantly refused to get our OD from the babysitter, or even call her to say I would be late. He eventually came and helped me with the tire, but his fear of facing the babysitter (cuz' she was the person that helped me stay employed and watch my kids while he ran away in June and I was working fulltime, and she obviously knows about the affair) was unparamount.<p>3). We were invited as a couple to my uncles's birthday party which my H refused to go to incase he had to face someone who might ask questions or know something. And, technically I suppose I could have gone stag (the un-codependent thing to do), but, <shudder> not too interested in answering all the "where's H?", "how are you doing?", "still separated?"... So, I didn't go, which the part about me not going was my choice. Just that I even had to make that choice at all is frustrating.<p>4). This past Friday my H took our daughter out of school to go see Harry Potter. Fine by me, EXCEPT he didn't TELL me he wasn't bringing her to school that day, AND he told her not to tell me, keep it a secret, in other words, my 6-year old is trying to lie her way out of why she didn't take her spelling test on Friday, and make some other lies up about taking the bus so she can keep her dad's secret. <p>But, this is not the best part - just wait.<p>I find out, confront my H Friday night and give him hell for teaching our daughter to skip school and lie to me about it. He gets PO'd (of course, I can't confront him w/o him getting mad), and he refused to talk to me AND MY DAUGHTER for the entire next day.<p>I knew he wasn't talking to me, but my daughter kept saying "I think daddy's mad at me, I keep asking him stuff and he just looks at me <like this> and won't say anything".<p>Well, well, I had a little LB session about this with my H. I'm sorry, he can try and play his little games with me all he wants, but DO NOT MESS WITH MY KIDS.<p>So, I yell at him. "OD thinks you're mad at her, why won't you talk to her?"
<get out of my way I'm watching TV>.
"Excuse me? Our OD is upstairs all upset because YOU won't talk to her and you want me to get out of the way?"
<I said move>
"You listen to me, YOU ARE THE ADULT. She is 6-years old and she doesn't need to take this crap from you. She does not need to be hurt by you anymore. Grow up!"
<Will you just leave me alone?>
"No. Why don't you just go run away and leave again until you can grow up and act like an adult."
<no, just leave me alone><p>Glaring stare by me and I go talk to my daughter and explain how her dad loves her but he has his own issues to work out. She didn't do anything wrong, that she shouldn't be put in the middle like this, and that she shouldn't be keeping secrets from one parent to another. And she says "I know. I never really understood why daddy asked me to keep it secret. I've been talking to my counselor and he has been teaching me how to let things out and not hold it inside. Daddy is holding all his feelings inside and that's why he's doing this, right?"<p><me smiling> "You are really smart for your age, y'no that? You are right. Let daddy work on his issues, and don't let them affect you, k?"<p>And so on and so on until she felt better.<p>And, even though it is not relevant to my venting, just to finish the story and not keep you hanging <smirk>.<p>My H went and lay down after our "discussion". He woke up and started his car (remote starter). So, I find him and say "So, you running away again?" He says "well, are you still going out cuz' I don't think I can stay here with you". I say "Well actually, yes, I was planning on going out." (this is part of not being codependent, if I was codependent I'd give up what I wanted and help him run away). And my H says "Well, okay, I guess I won't go and I'll watch the kids so you can go out."<p>After a few minutes I say: "I love you, but you cannot keep running away from your problems. It has to stop, you are hurting the people that love you the most and we cannot keep living like this."<p>And by the time I was ready to leave, he was no longer mad and was telling me how much he loved me, how hard it was for him not to be mad, etc. But, he still didn't apologize to me or my daughter or take any responsibility for what he did... (this will be the topic of our next MC session)<p>And, I went out anyway. Plus, even though he was mad all day Saturday I still went sledding with the kids while he sulked in the house (we had planned a family day sledding but he was mad and refused to go). Another part of me not being codependent, before I would have just stayed inside and not gone sledding.<p>So, just had to vent on how hard this is, now you see what I have to deal with daily. I really hope he gets help. He is supposed to set up an appointment with his IC, but he keeps "forgetting", so I know he is running away and trying to avoid it. He keeps writing me saying "oh, I forgot to call today, I have to remember tomorrow, or I really need to remember to do this".<p>Again, before I would have made the appointment for him, but now that is his gig. Oh, I remind him every now and again subtley, but, we'll see if he ever "remembers".<p>I'm sure our MC will have alot to say to him if he hasn't made the appt by the time we meet with him in 2 weeks. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I really hope I don't have to make the decision to "go to play C", or kick my H out. It's kind of scary. We are so close as a couple now, but I care more that he gets help, and I know if I have to kick him out that he will most likely a). get help. But I also have to be prepared that he will pick b). live a miserable life while I move on and be happy again. Very tough choice.<p>I could also go back to the codependent role and help my H run away and keep everything inside. I'm sure we'd be pretty happy for a year or two - but then I'd just be facing another affair (or worse) when it catches up to him. Been there, done that without knowing. NO THANK YOU.<p>Sigh. Wish me luck, I hope all you are doing well. Of course it's not all bad, this is just the stuff I have to vent about. My H does good stuff too, enough to make me want to keep trying, anyway. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>HbH

hi H2H ~<p>Just remember that while co-dependents might enable your H's behavior....it does not follow through that the un-codependent thing to do is to force him to face his issues.<p>All you can do is step out of the way, leave his stuff for him to choose to deal with, and choose how long or how much of this stuff you want to accept in your life.<p>Sucks doesn't it?

Hi BR, well put. I have to watch out on that, although I want to help, it is ultimately his stuff and it's not my job to force him to do anything.<p>I kind of have to go back on what I said earlier. My H just called and asked if I could PLEASE make his IC appt for him cuz' he was going out and would forget again.<p>So, I caved, but, at least he asked me to do it, and I just didn't do it for him, so I am not going to overanalyze it to death.<p>And, he finally has his appt for Friday. <Yippee!><p>Maybe, what I said this weekend about his attitude and running away actually sunk in?? Or maybe he got scared when I told him to leave, and I MEANT IT, I think he could tell because he didn't argue with me. Just got real scared and said "no, leave me alone". So, I dropped it instead of packing his bags for him (which I was thinking of doing...).<p>Anyway, I digress, thanks for the good info, BR, I know you understand what I am going through. LOL.<p>HbH

Hey HBH...<p>This stood out for me:<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>I basically have to be his mom and set ground rules. <hr></blockquote><p>Yeeks... can't be wife and mom... I think a different way to look at it is that you are setting healthy boundaries... but ultimately he has to figure things out on his own and make his own mistakes... I have 'railed' against being my H's 'mom' figure... didn't want to... but thought I had to set rules... guidelines... etc. It is this kind of stuff that made him believe I was trying to 'control' him...<p>Ultimately he's gotta make his own choices and let what happen happen... most things have natural consequences good and bad... we usually don't HAVE to do anything...<p>Cali

Hi Cali. Yeah, that was basically me complaining at my counselor's advice. I told her that it felt like she was suggesting I be his mom. She re-worded it and talked about boundaries and how it wasn't like that.<p>But, it still feels like it, even though I am calling it something else and understand the rationale behind it. Of course, I will approach it in the terms my counselor uses because I have ZERO desire to be his mom, but, well y'no how that fine line thing works.<p>So, yes, you are right. I was just complaining...<p> [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]
HbH