My H and I sat down last night and talked, something we haven't done in a while. I told him flat out that he needed to choose between me and the OW, that if we were seriously going to try to rebuild our marriage that there was no way that he could be her "friend". I needed 100% of him and he was giving half or more of that to her. We then proceeded to spend the evening with friends of ours. Today he im'd me and told me that once he gets money he was going to file for divorce. I'm not sure what to do next, I have been Plan A'ing it for going on more than 3 months now and have not seen any results, nor do I know if it's working. I have written out a Plan B letter, but not delivered it.<p>Advice, Please???????? [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img]

emerald, You are right in negotiating with him to end all contact with OW. It sounds like you are doing it in a respectfully caring way. God bless ya cause what you are doing is so hard. You can never make him want your M. WS has to get there himself. Some do and some don't. Unfortunately, it does not look like he is willing to end all contact.<p>I spent 4 months living with WS while he pursued OW with a passion then after WS left, I am still seeing no let up in their contact and togetherness so I am definitely needing to end all contact with WS before it destroys me. My H has been very remorseful and distraught by it all and admits that he has made a huge mistake, selfishly hurting so many. But he does not have the power to let go of OW.<p>Does he see your love and caring? Will he have loving things to remember if you separate? How much more can you take? Please read all that you can on surviving infidelity. The sad thing is that the passionate entanglement is so hard to break and the process is long and hard and there is no guarantees to anything. The main thing is that you grow, and heal and become the person you want to be with or without WS.<p>Keep learning,
TW

tossedwave,<p>Thank you for your caring comments. H says that he is still confused, but will always have a place in his heart for me and will always love me because I am the mother of his child. We have been seperated for going on more than 3 months and it seems like the more I try the more it pushes him away and when I stay back and let him approach me, he comes around. I continue to Plan A however have decided to keep my distance and let him contact me to preserve my feelings for him and to prevent myself from continually getting hurt.

Emerald,
It isn't unusual when you back off a bit that he comes around, and when you push or draw close, he backs off. My H actually moved in and out of the house as we did that "dance".<p>One thing you can do is to stay in Plan A, but let him make the contacts. Is he seeing your child on a regular basis? If not, it's time to set up regular visitation, but also, be flexible if he wants to see the child outside of those times...but maybe stay on your turf, ask him to come over because it is "your time". <p>The first few separations, I let my H come over anytime he wanted. The last separation we set up the regular times, and I wish it was something I had done earlier--that slice of reality of custodial times if your H does go through with the D.<p>With Plan A, you might not see the results right now. I did a long Plan A, 18 months, and quite honestly, other than feeling like I made positive changes in myself which I like, I didn't see much effect in my marriage, afterall, 7 separations seem like a total negative. Now, after reconciliation, my H tells me that my Plan A did mean something to him, he was surprised that I loved him that much. In the end, I let him go, began moving on with my life without him...and that is when he came back.<p>I would say before moving to Plan B, be sure that you have done Plan A the way you want to have done it, looking at your actions & behavior, not your H's. Because if you move into Plan B, you won't be talking to him or in contact, you will be protecting whatever love you have left for him and caring for you and your child in the best way open to you.

I agree with Lor. My WH and I have seperated 3 times and each time I let him make all the contact....he's the one that decided to come home.<p>This last time was different though.
I was actually ready to move on with or without him and he saw that and realized that that was not what he wanted.<p>I'm not really sure but is it possible that your WH took your statement as a selfish demand?
I'm not sure that telling him to choose was the wizest idea......speaking from experience here...I did it several times....it onlypushed my WH farther away.
I finally got to the point where I said.....it's fine if you want to be with the OW. I will just move on. You were lucky to have me and someone else will be too.....and then the but..there is always one isn't there?
I said.....BUT......if you decide that you want to be with me then we can talk.....but SHE has to be comletely out of the picture.
With that I started moving on without him and on his own he ended it with the OW and started the process of trying to win me back.<p>It's been rocky....with a couple of incidents of continued contact....but since the last revelation of them he's been a completely different person. He says he can now say that it and her are completely out of his system and he acts like they are too.<p>He's the one Plan A'ing me now.