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Joined: Nov 2001
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My wife (WS) has started smoking pot with a lot of her co-workers after hours. She thinks it is cool to do and she is trying to fit in with the crowd at her work.
My wife has turned to drinking and smoking pot to help ease her depression. She won't listen to me, the counselor, her family or no body else. I am going to give her a few more weeks to see how she starts dealing with the smoking pot issue. I am fine if she smokes pot either at home or with maybe her girl friends. This smoking pot with all the men from work is getting to me. At this point I only believe my wife will get her head out of her butt is if she gets caught doing it. She tells me hey we haven't gotten caught yet. Or hey they have to bust all of us not just me. Unfortunately she won't choose to work on the marriage if she is smoking pot and partying with her co-workers all the time. I don't want to LBs but I don't want to be a dam door mat.
I am debating now if in a few weeks if she still is doing the same thing if I should get her busted at work or not? The only reason I am even thinking about this is because this is going to ruin what is left of our marriage.
So what do I do? Say it isn't worth it and let her smoke her life away? This would be very hard on me because I love her and care for her a lot? Or do I just make an anonymous phone call to her HR person and just make a notion of some random drug usage. That should get the company thinking about doing a random drug test.
Do I or don't I????
Help.......................

Joined: Dec 2001
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If she got busted at work, it is something that would follow her around for the rest of her working career, or at least, whenever anyone did a reference check on her. What if her work pressed criminal charges or got the police involved?<p>It may happen on it's own...but I certainly wouldn't try to include a place of business in my personal problems. If you did this...well, to say it would a huge LB on your part to do such a thing would be a HUGE understatement.

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CG-
Where she tokes-up shouldn't be an issue, it's the fact that she does that is the problem. Drinking excessively, smoking dope, snorting coke, its all a way of dealing with problems the wrong way, like putting a band-aid on a broken arm. I hate to admit it, but a long, long time ago, (in a galaxy far, far away) I too was into dope and the party scene. I used every one of her excuses to justify and continue what I was doing. I refused to listen to reason, I was having too much fun (sounds like a WS, doesn't it). It took me hitting rock bottom before I finally realized how much I could lose. <p>"they will have to bust everyone of us"- sorry, wrong answer. The law wont care how many, its just as easy to convict one as it is one-hundred. And, do you think that her 'friends' will shoulder the blame, or how many will pass the buck and let someone else take the fall? There are no 'real' friends when drugs are involved.<p>I hate to say it, but your W is going to have to figure this one out on her own. I would definetly draw the line on her bringing any drugs or her stoner friends to the house, there is some legal consequences there. Let her know how you feel about her actions, that's about all you can do. Have you read "Love Must Be Tough" by James Dobson, I understand that it deals with these kinds of issues.<p>Be strong my friend, your W is flying high right now, but she is in for a very rough landing. Be ready for it, you'll know its coming long before she does.

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Are you so desperate to control her that you would resort to this? That you are even considering it scares me as a WS.<p>If you were my BS and I had an inkling that you would do this to me, I would run as far as I could from you. <p>I can see that you have somewhat good intentions -- we all read on here that a WS has to hit rock bottom sometime before they can change -- so you just want to accelerate her fall?????<p>Scary

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ok i am not going to comment on the REASONING(????) behind this post.
but a few facts about pot for those who posted so much negativity about it.<p>Pot is Not addicting.
THere are no additives, halucigens, etc.
NO ONE has ever been killed by operatiing under the influence of pot. unlike alchohol<p>and yah some will use it as an anti depressant. however as i mentioned it is not addicting unlike paxil and xanax.<p>so in all technicality pot is less of a problem than cigarettes<p>
anyhooooooo<p>one last coment this one to towardthefuture, when someone calls for a reference on a former employee all that can be said is either yes or no would you rehire that person. at least in this state<p>as for a criminal record... thats different.

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HELLO--POT IS ILLEGAL!!! Geez, that's the point. You can quote the whole NORML mission statement and it still boils down to that. If the cops find it in your possession, whether it's at home, car or else, in many states they can seize your property as part of the "No Tolerance" laws.<p>That's the deal. Also, many people don't realize that operating a motor vehicle while stoned constitutes a DUI in ALL states. Pot isn't just some ho-hum thing to ease the pain. Until it does get legalized, it is bringing the BS into the picture and THAT is wrong.<p>Guido

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Oh boy,<p>I just have to weigh in on this one! Pot is addictive. It causes all kinds of physical and emtional symptoms. I too was under the impression that it was no big deal at first...that is until my H completely withdrew from our family, became extremely verbally abusive had both an EA and a PA, spent all of our money on it, kited checks and then went on to plant a pot field of his own because he got tired of paying for it and having to crawl the streets at night looking for it. My H completely lost ALL common sense and moral decency when he was on pot. I have a friend who is also pot smoker who sneaks through the woods at night looking to nab some from illegal fields. She also has irrational nasty mood swings, A`s of her own ect...<p>Pot is a huge problem. One joint once in a while is no big deal but like many things it can easily be abused. If your W has also been overdoing booze you can bet the farm pot is going to turn into a problem. Been there done that. <p>You are right to be very concerned about this. Your method though needs to be rethought. I will admit that at our very lowest point on the pot roller coaster I did think about calling the police to let them know that my H was driving stoned. He had just come back from potbuddy`s s house high as a kite and he had our 3 year old son in the car with him. He couldn`t even stand straight and he thought he could drive? I did not call the police but I never let him take our son anywhere in the car again until he stopped pot and got into AA. <p>Squealing is not the answer. Your wife is using pot as medication for some emotional problems. That is what addiction, any kind of addiction is about. The addict will tell you you are nuts and to mind your own business when you say ths though. My H only stopped when I finally laid down the law and said "you get help or get out" he got help. The crazinees has stopped and NOW he admits exactly what the pot did to him, his thought process while addicted. Your wife CANNOT work on the marriage while she is still using. If you would like I found some very informative websites about pot and it`s effect on judgement, personal relationships, concept of time and physical effects, I can post them for you. Pot addicts are apathetic, agressive and cannot help the way they are treating their spouses. The problem is not when they are high either, it`s between binges that there is trouble. <p>Your wife needs help, you can help her and it maybe that you might have to give the firm ultimatum "get help or get out" in order to help her. I can tell you that the change in my own H has been miraculous since he stopped his addiction. He never had a problem with alcohol but he`s sworn off that too so that will never become a problem either. He back to the man I first fell in love with. I never thought that would be possible but it`s happened. Don`t give up hope.

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Get some legal advice so you can truly know the risks and things that might put you in a highly vulnerable position, should she get busted. Find out things like, could I loose my car if she is caught buying a bag of dope. What's the limit in your jurisdiction before the prosecutors consider you to be a trafficker on narcotics? <p>Reasonably you can not tell her to not smoke pot&#8230; it wouldn&#8217;t work if you tried. If you choose to have a zero tolerance approach (which it doesn't sound like you do), your only choice is to tell her it's your way or the highway and I think you already know that answer. I do think it's reasonable to set some ground rules to mitigate your risks. Like never bring more than x amount in this home, please do not do a deal in our home or please do not buy more than x amount while driving around in my/our car. <p>The whole notifying work thing is a very, very bad idea. First off she could loose her job and tarnish her career for quite some time. Don&#8217;t think that HR employees/bosses that you might inform aren&#8217;t part of the party. The info could very easily get back to her that it was you trying to get her in trouble. <p>Just protect yourself and let her know you are concerned and care

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Daisy--<p>Please share the links about pot.<p>This is an ongoing point of contention between H and me. He occasionally smokes it (his idea of occasional use is closer to my idea of frequently) and extols its non-addictive, natural virtues. I say fine, then protest the laws but its illegal now! <p>I've never understood the comment so often used by pro-potters, "no one has ever been killed...unlike alcohol." I've smoked it on RARE occasions and there's no way I could drive a car!<p>H used to smoke pot daily. Since our marriage, he's toned it down quite a bit in deference to my feelings...BUT...his temper is sometimes nasty and I wonder if pot DOES affect him...that in-between time, like you mentioned.

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I guess my wife wanting to smoke pot and drink a lot really makes me sick to my stomache. That is not the answer to solving her own problems. All that she has put me through and all that she is still putting me through. I am beginning to wonder how long I can take all of this. To see someone who stood there next to me and married me. I am beginning to think who has this person become? Does she just enjoy making me hurt more and more everyday? It is hard to tell someone not to smoke pot when they don't care really what I say. If she did she would of stopped all of this non sense along time ago. To think that smoking pot means more to her then I do to her. It just makes me ache when I think of that...

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I think everyone is missing the point on this one. Sure pot is illegal and the whole addictive/portal to harder drugs arguments, while valid IMO, simply are not relevant to CG's post. <p>There are basically two issues here:
1. CG is trying to control the actions of his WS, and
2. His WS is in that state where she has no apparent desire to work on her M to CG.<p>How can CG address these matters?<p>Frankly CG, your posts are becoming repetitive, and I think what you keep asking for is input on how to bring your WS in line and make her love you again. Trying to control her is not the answer. Snitching to her employer about the drug use is an attempt to control. It will not give you the relief you seek. She is not in recovery with you now, and you simply cannot force the issue.<p>You need to look at the whole situation from a completely different perspective. You are in Plan A to work on yourself to make yourself a better person. As a secondary consequence of doing this, your WS may notice the changes and decide to work on your M. Alternatively, things may become worse between you and your WS, and even end in divorce, but you will be a better person because of your self evaluation and commitment to work on you as part of Plan A.<p>Communicate your concerns to her in a caring manner, and if she chooses to continue pot smoking, rabble rousing, and hanging out with the guys, then ultimately there's not much you can do about it. Take care of yourself, do your Plan A for you, and realize you cannot make her do the things you want. Protect yourself and set your own boundaries.

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RJ --
I think that you gave a very accurate account. And I agree with the concerns.<p>Its about control. And CG you have to realize, and get comfortable and calm about the fact that you cannot control the outcome of this situation.<p>Of course you don't want your wife to be a pothead, nor do you want her to withdraw from you and your marriage. But you can't control her actions. Even though thats the direction it appears she's going.

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Bottom line is it hurts. If someone could replace all of the pain inside of me I would be ok. So that is why I post and say what I say. When you love someone so much and they turn your back on ya. Well it isn't an easy thing for anyone to deal with in life. I will become a better person either way in all of this. But my heart is still in the marriage. Hard to convice your heart that this will work out for the best if that is a divorce....
If I am trying to control her I could easily throw out her pot and pipe. I could take her off the bank account. I have done none of this and she can smoke up when she wants. I just asked her to respect me and not smoke up with her and a bunch of men. She has a habit of smoking up when she is wasted and the pot usually just knocks her out. Easy for a guy to take advantage of her then. Also I asked her to no tell anyone she is smoking up at home due to it being illegal and all. That is all I have asked from her in all of this. To respect me in that aspect. Is that so much to ask?

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Dear Lucks,<p>Here you go, this should keep you reading for a while. If you want more just let me know.<p>
<p>Dear CG,<p>The marriage will NEVER be fixed until the addictions is stopped. I tried for eight very long years and my H went from bad to worse. That`s what happens with addictions. I did tell my H many times over the years that I was fed up, I wanted a divorce blah blah blah.... It wasn`t until I MEANT it and had my bags packed and at the door that he finally got the message. The chemical effects of pot on the brain make it IMPOSSIBLE for the addict to see or even give a HOOT about the seriousness of the situation. Don`t just take my word for it, read some of the sites on pot abuse. My H who was the king of denial but now admits how the pot effected his thought process. He wasn`t however able to do that while still abusing. It takes a couple of months for all of the pot to be worked out of the system, unlike alcohol or other drugs pot accumulates in your fat which is why it takes so long to leave your body. Do some research and then decide. I still say don`t call the employer though, that would come back to bite YOU in the butt.

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Hey CG:<p>I know what you are going through is probably the worst experience of your life. I do recognize this and understand how much you want things to work out with your W. I know your heart is in the right place and this unwelcome change in your W's behavior is devastating to you.<p>The fact is, the issues you are exposed to are much more difficult than what I have had to work through. Not only are you reeling from your WS A, but her new irresponsible lifestyle makes everything so much harder.<p>I know it was hard for me to realize that my behaviors were controlling. After D-day and after reading up on this site and other books, I undertook a course of action that I now realize was meant to control my W. After she admitted to EA, I tried to discourage her from attending CODA meetings (after reading article on how CODA was destroying marriages), I tried to discourage her from seeing her IC (because I suspected her IC was encouraging her to leave M) and I tried to discourage her from reading certain relationship books (because I thought they were designed to assess whether to stay in the M as opposed to how to work on rebuilding M).<p>My W actually did express that she was feeling controlled and stifled. I justified my "suggestions" on the grounds that they were designed to help fix and preserve our M. I came to understand through IC that I was trying to control the situation. I acknowledged this to my W and since have avoided any controlling behaviors as best as possible. This definitely helped.<p>I guess what I was saying to you CG in my last post, is that you may need to look very hard at your actions to try and understand what may be motivating you to do the things you are considering. While I agree that not throwing out her pot paraphenalia is a sign of restraint, calling the HR department at her work IS an attempt to control and change her behavior.<p>I in no way want to discourage you from venting and getting your feelings out, because that is crucial to your sanity. I really do want to see things work out for you and my input was designed to help you focus on and protect yourself.

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just a word to the wise from a former big pothead.<p>No, technically it ain't addicting. No, no one has died from it...<p>I will tell you this as a BS, smoking dope all the time was probably the biggest reason that I failed to meet nearly every need my WS had. She made her choices, but I was a loser for not recognizing the gigantic hole in our marriage this was creating.<p>I was lazy
I did not communicate
I lost self-esteem
I was too stoned to realize my wife was seeing another man
I was selfish for doing it all the time<p>No, pot never killed anyone, but it sure hurt our marriage.<p>Good Luck to all
JB


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