Hello all! I am a new user here at MB, but have read extensively the words of wisdom offered to others going through similar circumstances to mine. I really appreciate the insight, experience, and support offered here - God knows it is surely needed. Here is my story -<p>First off, I am in IT (Information Technology). I have been enamored with computers since my mother bought me my first computer (Commodore VIC20) as a Christmas present sometime in my preteen years. As an only child, I found a world I could immerse myself in, and reach out to others with, as need be. Little did I know how deeply I would eventually become involved.<p>Perhaps the problems began about a year ago, in the early months of 2001. I was deeply involved in online role-playing games and would be on the computer at home for several hours every night, and virtually all weekend. Thinking back, I remember how I would almost be resentful at having to do family functions or going out to dinner since it ate into my computer time. It was during this time that I really ignored my wife and home commitments. <p>Fast forward to August of 2001. My wife's old boyfriend (first love, first lover) made contact. I am not sure who made the initial contact, but the end effect is still the same. The tenor of the emails was friendly at first, but it soon changed to something much steamier. <p>A bit of backhistory here - My wife dumped him at the end of high school since her parents really did not care for him. They were willing to pay her way through college, but only if she no longer saw him. The relationship seemed to me (hearing about it years later) to be coming to an end all its own, but this really moved the timetable up. The college she went to was within 15 miles or so from her hometown, and he continued to pursue her, but she had moved on at that point. <p>There had been no contact from HS graduation (1988) until August 2001. Then the above emails. As I said, the tenor changed rapidly on the emails. Yes, I have read all of them. I might have missed one or two, but I doubt it. He had a lot of unresolved feelings and anger at how the relationship ended. He would mention things about their HS relationship often in the early emails, and how she had really messed up his life, he was nothing without her, etc. Eventually, though not too long after the emails started, they went to breakfast together.<p>My wife works very odd hours - part time and gets off at 7:15 or so in the morning and sleeps during the day. This above mentioned breakfast took place on the day of the World Trade Center attacks. The first meeting in 13 years or so and it had to take place on a day where you see constant reminders of the date constantly. [9-11-01 We Shall Never Forget - have you seen that bumper sticker?] I sure won't forget it, but not for the same reason that 99.999% remember it. I was sent home from work early that day since the building I work in was located a couple of blocks away from a government building here in Missouri and they were worried it, too, could be a potential target. She was not there when I got home, but arrived about 3:00pm. She said that she was out shopping all day. I thought that to be odd, but I had no reason to be concerned, or so I thought.<p>The affair progressed its natural course, as natural as it could be I suppose. They arranged contact times that I would be at work, or out of town. As I stated before, she gets off at 7:15am or so, and has no responsibilities until 3:45pm, when she picks up our son from school. This boy would technically be her stepchild, since he is from my first wife, who passed away in December of 1995. She is a wonderful mother to him. I had a vasectomy after he was born so there is no natural possibility of a child between us. She knew this since early dating, but was not really concerned about the child issue, though now after the affair, it appears to be one of the things she was "fantasizing" about. The resolution of this has yet to be seen, though it has been brought out into the open for discussion.<p>My D-Day was 9 weeks to the day from this first meeting (November 13, 2001). I had been feeling that something was wrong for several months, before the affair even started, and was cutting back on my computer time, but not using the gained time for any productive use. During the time that she was seeing him, she would tell me sporadically that they were going to go to breakfast, probably 3 times or so. I should have really thought about it then, but I never connected the dots that I see so obviously now. My discovery was a stack of printed emails that she had in her bill filing cabinet. He lives relatively close, but a long-distance call away. My wife pays that bill and I never see it. I have not seen it in years, but I took a look at the last few months worth and it just amazes me. A normally $5-7 bill was over a hundred dollars a month during that time. <p>She was in deep. I say was because, according to her and backed up by emails, she was cutting things off with him before I found out. My D-Day was a Tuesday evening, and she had her last face-to-face contact with him the Monday before. She had told be about it beforehand, but never said a word about it Monday night. She was acting... differently then. I searched, I found, I cried.<p>Since discovery, we have had talks with her parents, my parents, a close set of friends, and a counseller. We have been actively seeking ways to make our lives better together, and I think that this site has helped every bit as much, probably more, than anything. <p>That brings me to the here and now. It is now just shy of 2 months after D-Day and we are in counselling, have bought and are reading His Needs Her Needs, Marriage Insurance, and, thanks to zorweb, Surviving an Affair. We will be attending the seminar in Florida in just over a month and we are really looking forward to it. I believe we are both committed to this and we are meeting each other's EN very well now. I lost track of the priorities in my life, but they are now firmly in focus. I now use the computer at home very, very little. I would say under 10 hours in the last two months combined - that used to be part of a weekend day. I now have many better things to do at home.<p>Thanks for taking the time to read my story. Any advice/comments/wisdom is well appreciated. I have told my wife of this site, and she reads some of these forums. If you are my wife, then remember that I am deeply in Love with you and sorry for the pain that I have caused you.<p>Messageboarders - Thanks for the answers to my prior questions, your wisdom was well needed. I still waver sometimes on whether or not I should *want* to still be here, but I know that I want to be nowhere else, and with noone else. Thanks for validating that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, though the journey there is a long one. She is truly the Love of my life. I told her early on that I would go through hell with her - little did I know that I would have to prove it, but she is truly worth it!<p>[ February 20, 2002: Message edited by: JABH ]</p>
