For months I have tried to encourage my wife to find a job related to what she&#8217;s taken the training for. It will be completely different from what she has been doing from the past 16 years. Until last weekend, she blamed me for not updating her resume because she doesn&#8217;t know how to put in those &#8220;BUZZ&#8221; words related to that field which I am also in. I didn&#8217;t have any problem updating her resume, but the problem I&#8217;ve had with her was she only limited her preference to certain location and hour. How can you pick and choose if this is an entry-level job with no experience? That&#8217;s what I tried to mention to her. She felt discourage by it because she got rejected before (lots of people with experience are out of job in this field nowadays).<p>Now she is looking for a job related to what she was doing before she quitted a year ago and at the same time kind of &#8220;blames&#8221; me that she might end up with this low-paid job again. I had enough of it and told her that from now on I will not ask or suggest anything about finding her a job related to this new field. I also told her that she knows what is best for her and whatever she chooses to do it is her business. I know it could be an LB on my part but it doesn&#8217;t matter to me any more.<p>This is the part where I feel I&#8217;m losing it. Last evening, for the first time I ended up with the kids without my wife for 4 hours and I felt good, relaxed, calm, and at ease. In most case, my kids would be with my wife or attached to my wife before and after dinner, but last night I enjoyed talking to my kids. For a moment while alone for 30 minutes or so, I felt good without my wife being home and fantasized being with the kids without my wife.<p>Am I losing it? Is it normal to dream about the future without my wife?<p>Thank you for listening.

Hi guy - I think it's normal. It may be a bit of rationalizing, relief, acceptance, or a combination of everything. It may also just be a temporary "escape" from the stress she causes you. I'm glad you found it with your kids instead of in a bottle, for example.<p>Now to her employment situation. As I read your post, I drew a picture in my mind of a spoiled brat. Sorry. Seems she wants the perfect job handed to her. Am I close?<p>WAT

WAT- I can see the picture in my head....feet stomping, fists clenched, face red... Good image.<p>OOOO- It's nice to hear that you can envision a day when you'll be at peace "just" being with your children. I think that's important, many dads seem to just disappear from the kids' lives after... (well, we'll just call it the worst case scenario). I don't think you're losing it at all. Enjoy every second you have with them, ok? [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>You know that you're not responsible for her career path. Sure you could HELP her with the resume, but for her to hold you entirely responsible is a little unrealistic.... I'm sure you know that already.<p>Take care,
Kev

WAT,
You may be right about temporary &#8220;escape&#8221;. I have not felt like this before. I just came to realize that I might have been robbed from my kids&#8217; childhood. In the sense, I&#8217;ve probably never &#8220;known&#8221; my kids even though I&#8217;ve been with them since birth. I felt like through all those years that my wife just kept them for herself. Now I want to be close to them, to be able to &#8220;talk&#8221; to them and vice versa without my wife influence.<p>Maybe that&#8217;s what I&#8217;m looking for. Happiness with the kids. I remember JL said to me once that at certain ages the kids would get close to certain parent. I hope my wife wouldn&#8217;t feel like she is losing them to me. I don&#8217;t want to be at the &#8220;war&#8221; with her.<p>Now in term of her job situation, that&#8217;s another story. You are right she might be a &#8220;spoiled brat&#8221;. For the past 12 years, my wife work place was only 3 minutes from where we live. She could have walked to work when the weather was good. But now, most of the jobs will not be that close to home any more. I think that&#8217;s discouraging her to look for anything beyond that. Somehow, to be with the kids after they get home from school is still her high priority (I&#8217;m willing to be home earlier enough to be with them if that is the case).<p>Another thing, she already made certain assumptions about being bored with all of those jobs even before getting them. [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] With that remark, I didn&#8217;t say a word about it. Commuting to work in DC is out of the question (she hates taking the train, bus, or metro) and commuting to work in suburb area is out of the question too (she doesn&#8217;t like to drive on highway). <p>Do you see what I mean about her job?

OffOnOnOff,<p>I agree with Kevco. ENJOY YOUR CHILDREN. If you have the chance to spend quality time with them - do it. You'll feel better and so will your children. My W being the WS, I enjoy the time away from her and having the children to myself. I'm at ease and feel better around them.<p>Dino

It sounds to me like your wife may be overwhelmed by the prospective job hunt and maybe even a little depressed. Sometimes it is scary making a such a drastic change and can feel very overwhelming. In addition she probably has many responsibilites at home and with the family. Maybe she likes many of the aspects of the former job and would really like to have something similar in the new career field. This may not be possible, but at least understand where she is coming from...she may not have done a good job expressing her feelings. This would be a great opportunity for both partners to talk and get a better understanding of each others feelings and needs. Your wife may really need your love and support right now.<p>Shadow [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]

Absolutely nothing wrong with feeling the way you do. I wonder if you are fantasizing about being away from W, or just getting caught up in the moment of enjoying your kids by yourself. I think that even in healthy M's there should be time for the mom or dad to spend time with the kids alone. At one time, when we had a 'real' marriage, we would make it a point to spend time alone with each individual kid. Make the most of that precious time. I have been forced into being a less-than-part-time dad so I know the value of that time alone with them.<p>The job thing, I too have gone through that with my W. My W is always fearful of being rejected when it comes to jobs, the working world is a tough place to be in. 1shadow makes a valid point about the uneasiness and insecurities with finding a job. And with the way the economy is right now, I'm sure that it makes it even worse. If you feel like you will LB trying to help her, I'd suggest helping her find a resume writing service and a place that coaches people on interview and job seeking skills. I know in my area there are a lot of these services offered for free.

Thank you all for your encouragement.<p>kevco
I would love to spend times with the kids whenever I have a chance to do so. I think that&#8217;s where my wife proved me wrong. In her mind, she thought that I didn&#8217;t care for the kids or didn&#8217;t love them the way the dad was supposed to do. She thought that after I found out about her affair, I would pack up and leave, but I stay and if I leave I would take them with me. I believe that made her even want to be closer to the kids than she has already had.<p>At one time during her angry outburst and at the peak of her affair, she said to me if she couldn&#8217;t have them, no one would. That scared me!<p>About &#8220;losing it&#8221;, I mean I feel like I&#8217;m losing my love for her and I would be OK without my wife. I now prefer her to leave if she doesn&#8217;t want to work on the marriage with me.<p>Dino09,
That&#8217;s what I&#8217;m trying to do &#8220;ENJOY MY CHILDREN&#8221; because in a few years or so my first child will go off to college. I have tried my best so far to spend quality time with them, but I have not had a chance to be alone with them yet. I mean to do whatever we want to do without worrying about what my wife might say. They wouldn&#8217;t do anything without her approval first. That&#8217;s bothering me now. I didn&#8217;t think about that before. That COULD be a problem for my wife.<p>1shadow,
It might sound that way. That she is overwhelmed with the job hunting, but she took it easy for one year already. Now, she tries to blame me for not helping her getting a job! I have tried but she&#8217;s just had many excuses and I got to the point where it is your job and it is your life, go with the program.<p>I know that the new field that she is looking for could be scary and challenging to her, but until you try you would never know. (hmmmm, may be I should say that to myself).<p>It could be true that she might like many aspects of the former job, but the last two years before she quitted, she really hated it because of her new boss. She actually transferred to do something else within her department for almost a year before she quitted. I know one of the factors for her to quit the job was because of the OM, too.<p>I understand that she may really need my love and support right now, but she refused to let her wall down for me to see it. I would love to help her, to be there for her, to do what it take to keep the family together, to be a real husband and a real wife again as long as she gives me that hope to work on the marriage with me. But so far I have seen NONE. Maybe deep inside, I still feel bitter about what she has done to me.

Thank you loveherstill for your insight.
For almost two years since d-day, I&#8217;m always afraid of losing my wife. To see my kids&#8217; world falling apart was out of the question, but now I come to realize that maybe I would be OK without my wife if somehow I still have my kids with me here and then if we end up divorcing each other.<p>You are right I might have got caught up in the moment with my kids by myself that I didn&#8217;t think about my wife at all. For that moment, I feel like &#8220;freedom&#8221;. <p>Loveherstill, you said it right when it comes to my wife. She is fearful of being rejected when it comes to jobs. Since she was at her former job for so many years, she even scares about an interview. That&#8217;s why I gave up on helping her finding a job in this new field. If she already had a hard time updating her resume, it could get worse when she has an interview.