Thanks to Cali, JDMac1 and loveherstill for your encouraging words replying to my "SAP" post. <p>Last night my wife asked me "Do you expect me to just end it (with OM), just like that?" I said, "What other way would you suggest?" No answer.<p>This morning on the way to train station I told my WW that life is hard because all I think about is our problem. WW said its all she thinks about, too, but that she knows it is harder for me than for her. I then told WW that she is in control of where our marriage goes. That she and OM are showing me a complete lack of respect and that the longer A continues the harder it will be to restore our M. I told her that if she really believes she wants to be with this man for the rest of her life, maybe it is time she gets the ball rolling. I also told her that if she believes she wants to give our M one last try, I would be willing to move to another state so she can get away from OM. She replied that she has always wanted to move, but what about the kids? I said if M doesn't survive, kids are gonna be hurt alot more than moving. <p>When I got out of the car, she grabbed my arm and said, "Please don't worry. I am not going to see him today. Try to have a good day, OK?"<p>At this exact moment my WW is with the OM. How do I know? 1)She did not go on-line at all this am (first time on a weekday since I knew of A) 2) She has not been home since she dropped kids at school (8:00 am) 3) I called OM's work and he called in today and took day off.<p>I want to leave work and go try to find them. I want to be home when my WW comes home so I can confront her. I want to call someone, anyone, and pour out the whole story to them. I am so lonely I am in physical pain.<p>But I will do none of these things. I will fulfill my normal duties at work. I will go home normal time. I will act totally normal at home and not confront WW at all. I will see if she offers me anything at all.<p>I will come back to MB and listen to all you good people who have trudged the road of happy destiny before me, and seek your kindness and encouragement. And late in the night, when everyone else in my house is asleep, I will quietly sob into my pillow as I ask God when and how this trial by fire will end.

Hugssssss. Boppo... <p>My heart cries for you... I truly remember those tortuous first months... and truly it is awful... <p>Don't assume anything... if I have learned nothing it is that...<p>Also remember that the more time together... the more time for LB's on OM's part... that's what happens when A is revealed... it is hard to keep reality out of fantasyland now... just give it time... time and patience.... <p>Take care of yourself!!!<p>{{{{{{{{{{{{Boppo57}}}}}}}}}}}}<p>Cali

I have no incredible words of wisdom for you. <p>I do know exactly what you are feeling. My heart aches and cries for you as well as with you.<p>I have prayed those exact things, God when will this pain end. When do I get to wake up from this nightmare, many, many nights.<p>I am afraid the only thing I can say is that time does deaden the pain. Oh, I still have times of overwhelming sadness and anger that my life has taken this horrific turn, but they are becoming less and less.<p>The pain in your post is so evident, I am crying right now for you, please know that you are not alone. We all know and share your pain. Keep posting. We will hear you.<p>Take care of yourself.
Needing

I cry for you as well. Stay busy! I hadthe same thing happen to me and drove to all the motels until I found her car and his rental. went in to the motel and listened at the doors talk about the anguish, What the H was I going to do anyway, I got out of there. Just know that others have walked your path. Stay the course, I would confront her about it when she gets home, she owes you the truth. It might be time to plan B it. Keep the faith!

Thanks, "Cali" and "needing". I feel your hugs and concern big time! You seem to be handling your situations with self-respect and seem to be in contriol of your emotions. You have told me to be patient, good advice, hard to follow. I need to lean on the Lord and all you good people. I am not yet ready to try counseling because I'm waiting for WW to join me. Bad move?

Boppo-<p>First of all (and this is not a flame to Angling-), ABSOLUTELY NOT on the Plan B thing. It's WAY, WAY, WAY, WAY too early. Plan B is only intended for a time when you ALMOST can't love your WS any more. It's one step short of YOU filing for divorce. If/when you reach that point, TALK TO STEVE HARLEY FIRST!<p>Now, the first thing you have to do (and this I know from experience) is to STOP checking up. I know that you have a right to know what's going on, and she OWES you the truth. But right now, you may not be able to handle the truth.<p>Please believe me when I say I know what I'm talking about. I parked myself outside OM's bedroom window and called his cell until he answered just before (I believe) they were going to have sex. That pretty much destroyed me, and I LB'ed to an extent from which we may not be able to recover.<p>You've got to just let things go their course for a while. You have to fix YOU (plan A). You cannot make ANY demands or have ANY expectations right now. And I certainly wouldn't encourage her to get a DV... <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>maybe it is time she gets the ball rolling. <hr></blockquote>
She may just take you up on it.<p>I agree, don't assume anything. I know that your gut is probably right most of the time, but you just can't know unless you go "window shopping" (as I've come to know it). And you don't want to do that- believe me!<p>TIME and PATIENCE, those are the only two things that will help you right now. Fix what you can (YOU) and keep out of everything else.<p>Please keep us posted!
Kev

boppo, your logic makes sense, but it could all be coincidental, or she could be trying to end it (even though that is fraught with danger). What you are going to do is the right stuff, but I am something of an advocate for snooping (if you can control yourself) so you are not "guessing" (and you will guess the worse ya know). If you have the means to find out where she is, might not be to bad an idea...it is proactive (good), just keep the stuff to yourself. Nor will it reveal what is going on for sure....let me share something with you...I was the om (and am married too)..... the last couple months of interaction with ow was mostly about trying to understand what was happening, and acknowledging we had to stop....lots and lots of discussion, we were not plotting anything, we were not encouraging leaveing anyone, we were just trying to deal with the hard place we found (and chose to be) ourselves in. It was very hard cause first and formost we were friends, and you want to talk this stuff out with someone who understands, and the op is the one who understands (obviously) all the details/issues etc. To an outsider, the charge would be just selfishly pursuing a dirty rotten affair, and hurting the bs.....but the thing is ws are human beings too, we are not property, and we have our reasons for stuff, and the right to act on them (every human being has the right to self-determination), even if the bs would rather we did not.<p>It is possible she is with the om, it is also possible it is not cause she is pursuing him, but instead cause she is trying to figure herself out, and what to do, that is not necessarily a bad thing for you.....a bs should want a ws to return voluntarily for whatever effort is going to be made..... that almost always means (in the case of a true EA) that there will be continued interaction after discovery. It is very hard (without evidence) to ascertain whether the ws continued interaction is reasonable (part of the ending process), or simply continued contact and lies re there willingness to reconsider the marriage....sometimes the ws might not even know. <p>It is not fair, but all a bs can do is break the cycle of conflict (no LB) plan a, follow by plan b, and then divorce, and let the ws make their own decisions. One can be confrontational, and coerce their ws back, IMO that is not a good foundation for any kind of long term good outcome...but one should not plan a very long either (if affair continues), that also is not a good foundation. You offered little to go on, (and not familiar with your story), but my sense is your wife is very very undecided about the marriage, but is not a bad person, and does not want to hurt you. My advice is not to make her feel guilty, she will be inclined to give you what you want to avoid the hurt, that is eactly what you DO NOT WANT, you want her to open up, be honest about her stuff, so you have a shot at finding the truth re your marriage. That means you cannot try to fix her, or judge her, or guilt her with family, kids, and how much you love her. Something else is bothering her, and if you want to understand it, you will have to listen very very close, and be very very safe for her...anyways that is my 2 cents. Good luck

Boppo57,
I&#8217;m so sorry for your pain. That was me 22 months ago. I have been where you are right now. I know it well. Please, please try not to focus on that right now. The pain only makes it worse. I did the same things. I wanted to know. I wanted to see. I wanted to get them. I wanted to confront them. I wanted to find them. You name it. But it&#8217;s only going to hurt you more. <p>Focus and work on yourself for now. Spend more times with your kids if you have a chance to do so. The more you dig yourself into it the harder it is to get out of it. Be patient for now. I know it is easily said than done. <p>Take care,

Hey Boppo57 - I am going through the infidelty war as well, and I remember a post from, I think WAT.<p>He said that if your WS is in an affair; they are with the OP all the time. If they're not there physically, then that's where they are mentally.<p>Of course this is offensive, but for me it served to show the mindset of WS, and what may work or not work for BS.<p>And that is, feel your emotions, recognize them, but control your behavior.<p>I went through the finding them ( WS and OP), the confrontations w WS, etc. It helped nothing. Nothing. In any way.<p>Ws saw this as controlling ( well, it was), offensive, and felt "trapped". I just escalated myself, and fed my fear.<p>I would have been better served administering myself. What are my borders. How will I define and express them. How can I help myself feel better.. these are the issues you have ownership of. <p>Nothing else.<p>BTW, I worked w Steve from April through November '01. While my WS didn't budge an inch ( I must be a real ....), I can feel ok that I really did everything I could, got the best help, etc. So, the message is to give him a call, it's a win-win move.<p>I also found prayer helps, alot..<p>Dan<p>[ January 15, 2002: Message edited by: Family Man ]</p>

One thing that I have found that helps is to play 'devils advocate'. She hasn't gone on line today- ok, maybe she is scared to, knowing that if she did, she would most definetly contact OM. She isn't home yet- ok, maybe she stopped by a church, maybe she is somewhere by herself thinking. You see, you are obsessing and that is a dangerous thing, I did the same thing, it almost destroyed me. You had a great weekend together, think about that and what it meant instead. Please don't fall into this trap, it will get you nowhere quick.<p>Joyce Meyers has some great sermons on patience and Gods timing, here is the link if you want to check it out. www.joycemeyer.org

I just spoke to WW. I didn't ask anything about her wherabouts since 8 am. She volunteered that she went out to lunch and starbucks for coffee. That accounted for about 45 kinutes. I didn't press her. She didn't offer. She then asked if I could get home early so we could all eat dinner together as a family. i said that would be nice.<p>I then told her that she is in my thoguhts 24 hours a day. She said "You know what? You are in my thoughts, too". I said that maybe we need to just "lighten up" our lives a bit. She said that she's wanted that since day one (i.e. D-Day).<p>So thanks for all your help, ladies and gents, I am in a better frame of mind than this morning. My plan for now is no snooping for the next 3 days. I will see how things go and maybe check in w snooping on Friday.