OK, here is my question for the week.<p>As most of you know, W filed a restraining order to get me out of the house. I hired an attorney and he filed a Motion to Dismiss, scheduled for two weeks from now. We thought that it would be tossed out without a hearing, but unfortunately they want to hear my side of the story. Its real sad when the BS has to go to court to gain access to his own home and be able to see his kids again, guess it's the price I have to pay.<p>Anyway, a few days ago W told me that she would not fight the Motion to Dismiss if I signed a paper agreeing to not fight the separation papers. These separation papers, IMO, are written to protect her from all responsibility of the A. (WAT- remember the 'responsibility' post). Her attorney should be telling her about this Motion soon and I am sure that I will be hearing from her as well.<p>Any suggestion about how I should handle this? I know she will be pushing me and this will be an opportunity to LB if I am not careful. I will not sign any more papers just because W says I should. I also know that she is going to shove this back in my face, at one time she said that if I fight the separation papers, it will mean an end to the M and it won't be her fault. <p>Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Will your W admitting to the A affect the eventual outcome of a D? In my state, for example, an affair has no bearing on the property division, child support, etc. I say if it's not going to affect the finances, custody, etc., let it go....just my opinion. <p>MOM

LHS:<p>Don't sign anything. Why do you have an attorney? Ask your attorney for advice and follow it. In some states evidence of an A may be relevant to child custody and maintenance issues. This can be a VERY manipulative process. You are likely not in a position to assess and make the best decisions on what to sign and what not to sign.<p>As a lawyer myself, one of the most frustrating things is when a client tries to represent themselves, and only after it falls apart, do they seek legal counsel. By then, it is either too late or what could have been handled easily and inexpensively now requires litigation and a $5,000 retainer fee for starters.<p>The answer here is a no-brainer: refer any document to your lawyer to review, and sign nothing without his or her advice.

ditto RJB2 - the safest thing for you - both legally and MB-wise - may be to just stay away from her and let your attorney do all the communicating. It seems you have to get all this legal stuff squared away before ANY marriage building can take place.<p>She sounds like she's totally lost it - even by Mothership standards. Don't let her threats and accusations get you riled. With her saying these crazy things, I'd conclude you'll be right where you need to be once the order is lifted. Please be calm and cool. You have your wits about you and she doesn't.

lhs,<p>Well.... It sure seems like you know what is going to happen. Don't let her push your buttons. Just like them dang teenagers (remember when you were one - lol). Be bigger than that. I'm sure others will advise you on what to do. I just wanted you to think about a pattern that seems to be developing.<p>"I also know that she is going to shove this back in my face, at one time she said that if I fight the separation papers, it will mean an end to the M and it won't be her fault."<p>I can see how you feel trapped here. There is no way conflict is going to be avoided here. This is blackmail plain and simple. The question for you is, "are you going to accept this pattern of behaviour or not?" There is no right or wrong lhs. Sometimes we have to accept things that go against who we are and what we believe just to survive and fight/love another day. But at some point we have to stand up and say "no more" from this day forward I won't live like this anymore. It's probably pretty frustrating when you're being controlled by threats. I can't say that I've been through that but I have felt controlled by other things, mostly fear - fear of loosing my W and family. I guess that's kinda what I'm getting at here. The only reason we feel controlled is because we're the ones letting it happen. On one hand you feel an obligation to stand by your original agreement but on the other you feel like you're being manipulated and the rules are being changed as you go along. Pretty frustrating. It feels like you have to do everything perfectly or you fail. <p>lhs, I can't really offer any advice other than to do what's in your heart. You have a good heart and you should protect that. Don't let the ugliness get into it whatever happens with this. Try not to get sucked into the blame game. It's really hard and we all make mistakes (me especially) but we keep going on. I do however understand how painful and tough this is.<p>
Good luck,<p>
who

Thanx all for the replies. I'm staying out of this whole legal mess, letting the pros handle it is sound advice. Talked to W this morning, brought up the RO hearing to see if she was still set on fighting it, but W didn't say anything. W then asked about the separation papers and what was going on with them, I told her it was up to the attorneys to work it out now. <p>I find it amazing how one person's actions can hurt so many people and yet they can show so much indifference to the pain they caused. What is sad about all of this is that I was willing to go along with the separation papers if W would have made an effort to work on the M, that's all I asked for. The whole idea of the separation papers was to give each other a bit of peace of mind while we worked on the M. The only reason that I am rethinking this whole thing is because W took this to the next level with the RO.<p>My next step is to try and get my stuff out of the house and get the apt. ready for me and the kids. Hopefully I can get my stuff without the mandatory police escort. One thing that really chaps me is the amount of money, time and effort I have to spend now setting up a second home. The time and effort could have been better spent working on the M, the money could have been used to go on that family vacation to Disneyworld we have been promising the kids.