<p>[ January 20, 2002: Message edited by: Bunny ]</p>

Hi MyLife,<p>I'm so sorry you're going thru this.<p>All I can think is wait and see what Harley has to say.<p>I don't know what your State laws are, but one thing that concerns me is the potential legal ramifications regarding your children and your H's actions in fighting/resisting Plan B. <p>Please bring this up in your coaching session with Harley, and in addition I would consult an attorney. It's good and essential to stay informed legally when going thru this.<p>JMVHO<p>Jo<p>[ January 15, 2002: Message edited by: Resilient ]</p>

Your H is desperate to get control over you again. By the Plan B letter he can't manipulate you as easily as he has and since that power has been taken away he is getting desperate with threats, his actions etc. This is VERY TYPICAL WS behavior. Tries to pin all the blame and unrational behavior on the BS to defend his past and future actions. He is the one out of control. Don't let him see you sweat that is what he wants. Stick to Plan B, but also talk to legal aid about children and what he can legally and not legally do. As far as him throwing your Plan B letter away b4 he read it, don't count on it. I bet you my paycheck that he is lying about that one. But u can always resend it again. As I said b4, don't let him see you sweat.

As a WS I just wanted to say that the remark that this behavior was "very typical" was somewhat offensive. I've been asked not to make blanket statements about BS's because of how unfair and hurtful it is to do so...and now, I would ask for the same courtesy regarding WS's...please?

Well, well sounds like they must teach them this stuff at medical school. Your H sounds just like my ex-h here. Does he say: "How dare you treat me this way? Do you know WHO I am?"<p>Just re-mail him and OW the Plan B letter, certified, return receipt, etc. A question, if he did not read the letter, how does he know the details?<p>As for him not abiding by the terms. Well, Plan B was a unilateral decision on your part, just as his affair is a unilateral decision on his part. The difference is that when a person tells another to not contact them, further contact can become a criminal offense. He has lost control of you and is in a panic. It is in this state of marital break up that violent behavior often rears it's ugly head. Perhaps you need to get a restraining order against him to let him know how serious this is. I know from experience that the courts encourage couples who cannot get along to use a third party for communications and exchange of the children. It is the safest and most reasonable thing to do in may cases. <p>Your H is way out of line. His breaking into you home is a way of telling you that you cannot cut him off. The truth of the matter is that until you have separation agreement or some other court documents showing that he cannot have access to the marital home, your H has all the right in the world to enter 'your' home. I is his home too. I know that in NM, a person has the right of entry to any home their spouse lives in. So at least in NM, you have the right to enter 'his home' too. Though you may want to check the laws in your state before you rush over there. It is meant to tell you that he can do to you whatever he wishes, whenever he wishes. It is a violent act against you. Again, I suggest that you get a restraining order against him. So, if you want to legally keep him out of 'your home' either file a restraining order, get a legal separation if available in your state, or file for divorce. Your basis for a restraining order would be his refusal to leave you alone when you asked him too (have the letter for the police/courts); his hateful, evil, mean emails and his breaking in to the house. <p>RE: He says going through a 3rd party is inconvenient. He also says that I am the one who is hurting the kids by not talking to him and having transfers go through my parents so that he doesn't see me. (I'm being manipulative he says).<p>Going through a third party is inconvenient. What he does not realize is that this is the natural consequence of his affair and breaking up your marriage and family. It is no unusual for people to have to go through 3rd parties for a very long time because of a divorce. It is best to do this a avoid volatile situations in front of the children. No you are no hurting the children. His letting them see him break into the house, seeing him act out of anger and irrationally are the types of things that will hurt the children. In many ways Plan B protects the children from the emotional payload.<p>As for his time with the children. Again since there is no legal separation (I assume) and no divorce papers filed and no Child Time Sharing agreement in place, you H has as much right to and say about the children as you do. The only argument you have in your favor right now that you have been the primary care giver (assumed) and you are still in the family home with them. Because of his current actions, I'd advise you to see an attorney ASAP about child custody and time sharing issues. <p>My ex-h fought any kind of legal papers about this. Then one day he showed up a school and took our son without telling anyone. At the same time he had his attorneys (yes he had not one, but a team) down at the courthouse filing custody papers and accusing me of child abandonment. It was ludicrous since our son was living with me at the time. Thank goodness I anticipated this and had my attorney waiting in the wings to fight it on the spot. <p>IMHO you need to file for the divorce. There is no preference shown by the courts for who files for divorce. As you have proof already that he is living with another woman, you will be seen as justified. And come on, how could he blame you later? He's already abandoned you and the children. If you wait for him to file, you will be paying an attorney to fight whatever he had his attorney file for. If you file, you can start out with the child time sharing schedule set up the way you know is best for your children.<p>MHO<p>[ January 15, 2002: Message edited by: zorweb ]</p>

TTF:<p>I believe that the remark that this is typical WS behavior is about the reaction of not liking and not wanting to cooperate with Plan B. I do not believe it was refering to the other more baligerant behavior.<p>I believe that if you look through all of the hundreds of posts here about WS reactions to the Plan B, you will find very few, if any, in which the WS accepted it gracefully. Some WS's (I did not say all), expect the BS to endure anything they dish out, yet get very upset once the BS starts to show some independence and moving on in their lives. This is something I understand on the one hand but find rediculous on the other.

Mylife,<p>Here's what I thought is one of THE most appropriate and true statements I've read here on MB regarding the WS's Plan B response of indigination.<p>Authored by mthrrhbard in response to BearsinForest
RE: Her H's Reaction to Plan B
<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>
Hello there BIF,<p>If you step way far back and look at your situation from the eyes of a detatched observer, you can grin real big about WS "annoyance" over Plan B. It's so absurd, they're just getting the natural consequence of their behavior. What, afterall, did they think was going to happen? <p>It's because in the world of a cakeman, he's supposed to have TWO lives, while you have NONE! "BiF isn't following the plan, she's got one of her own" (imagine that!).<p>WS actually can't have it ALL their way, makes them start to think they may have it ALL wrong. You detatch and go on about your life, he doesn't know what's going on with you all the time, he knows your hurt and vulnerable, and he becomes even more uncomfortable because it's a reality now that he just might lose the better end of the deal.<p>Hang in there! Limit your contact with the relatives. Their often well intentioned discussions about WS can sometimes bring so much emotion to BS that we want to get off track in Plan B. Stand strong, it's having it's desired effect.
<hr></blockquote><p>Hope this helps you, Hon.<p>Lv,
Jo<p>[ January 15, 2002: Message edited by: Resilient ]</p>

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by mylife:
<strong>He also says that I am the one who is hurting the kids by not talking to him and having transfers go through my parents so that he doesn't see me. (I'm being manipulative he says).</strong><hr></blockquote><p>VERY typical WS behavior. This is based on the hundreds of posts I've read here over the months. It's typical to the point of being predictable.<p>But, that said, the outcomes aren't so predictable. As hard as it may be, stay the course and don't get sucked in to crazy time.

Run, don't walk, to a lawyer. You don't have to file for divorce to get a restraining order issued, and you need to know what your rights are in your state before he files a petition. You won't prove anything to him by sitting back and waiting for him to come to his senses.<p>As for him losing the letter, e-mail it to him, fax it to him, mail it to him, send a copy to his office manager, and keep a stack of copies handy. Oh, and mail one to his mother and his lawyer.

<p>[ January 20, 2002: Message edited by: Bunny ]</p>

Yep, more weird stuff. Listen hon, if his conduct is too weird for you to handle or you feel you and your children's safety is in jeporady. Divorce or separation is not required to get a restraining order. If he is as out of control as you say, you need to take protective action. If he is saying he will break into the house you need to take action. <p>Remember he may be able to show residence at your house making it ok for him to break in unless you have a restraining order. Don't be afraid to show your strength on this issue because he is not in full control of his faculties right now right? <p>This is a protection for him also (though he may not see it this way). When I had a restraining order on my H, it helped keep him calm. Even cleared his head a little. See having a bit of OW and family was just too good for him so when I pulled back and he had a lot of OW, then she just wasn't as appealing. More like a peeling!!! LOL! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Check out your local laws. <p>L.

Maybe I'm just atypical then...I can deal with that [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img] If it's so typical to be so asinine then I'm glad to be weird [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Regarding your husband...I would most certainly nip this behavior in the bud now. The more you let slide, the more he'll try to pull.