My d-day was about 10 weeks ago. Our situation is somewhat different in that the A was six years ago, and resulted in a child who is now 5. I only found out because the OW needed CS. My H thought he could keep it a secret because she has never asked him for anything in these 5 years.<p>We started out doing really well, spending lots of time together and talking, etc. He was good about answering all my questions and being honest. However, in the course of the conversations it came out that the A hadn't really ended when she became pregnant, but that he had at least on one occasion been seduced by her when he went to visit the OC. Since that revelation I have been struggling more and he has become more closed off.<p>I feel like there is much more to know about this A and that he is afraid for me to find out so he just gets angry and refuses to talk about it. We had visited with our pastor and planned to continue counseling with him, but now my H says no. He will not talk about it to anyone.<p>I'm afraid that during the 5 years that he has secretly been visiting the OC, he has also been "visiting" the OW and that makes me sick! It also makes me wonder how many other A's he may have had over the course of our 19 year marriage because he certainly had opportunity and obviously he can fool me very well with his lies and secrets.<p>I have told him that no matter how much he thinks it will hurt me, I need to know everything, that I can't take any more secrets or surprises.<p>In every other way he has been wonderful...extra attentive, loving, affectionate, considerate, etc. But it really makes me feel insecure, that he isn't being sincere, that he is only trying to lull me into this sense of false security. He's done it so well all this time!!!!<p>Where do I go from here? Do I continue to expect him to confess everything to him or do I do as he says and just accept the many changes that he has had so far and be grateful for that?<p>Any suggestions would be helpful. The last thing I want to do is push him away, but I feel like I have a right to know especially after all this time!!

If there is anyone who could give me some direction here, I would appreciate it! I need help! I'm not sure if I'm moving in the right direction, moving too fast, or just plain LB'ing.

Crap! I posted a great reply and the computer-fairy erased it! I'll try again. <p>You are moving in the right direction. Full disclosure is what you want. More importantly, it's what you need to be able to move on. The thing is, he is so full of guilt and (hopefully) remorse that he has no idea how to get it all out. It took a full 11 months and a separation for my WH to tell all and I still don't know if I've heard everything. <p>I found MB pretty late in the game, but I really believe that we'd all be better off and the transition would have been much easier had I found this place when I learned of the first two affairs. I might have proceeded differently and no doubt he would have responded differently. The tools are all here, read up and use them.<p>WS's need to know that their truth won't come back to bite them, that it won't be used as ammunition against them in the future. As absurd as it sounds, it's time to make a safe have for him, where he knows that you won't bolt out the door as soon as you hear it. Tell him gently, but firmly that you cannot proceed without it. Then let it go. It's up to him to fill you in. <p>Hope this helps. <p>Snow

Thanks Snow white!<p>I really do feel that we are moving in the right direction, I guess I just keep thinking that the sooner we get it out, the sooner we can move on to recovery.<p>My husband prayed for us last night (we take turns) and he asked for God to help him be more open to me and my questions! So I'm hanging in there and trying to let God do this in HIS time!

bumping up -- any other opinions???

As someone who pushed, begged, pleaded, etc. and ran into the same brick wall of anger and defensiveness, my advice is to stop all talk of the M and the A until he is ready to come clean. If you think you have made it clear to him that in order to continue in the M and recover from the A you need to know everything he knows, then drop it.<p>If he doesn't come clean in 6 months of Plan A on your part, then go to Plan B until he is ready to follow a specific plan of recovery like that recommended in SAA. On the first checklist in the book, at the end of the chapter called, How Affairs Should End, the very first thing on the list is: WS should reveal information about the A to the BS. That is the first thing on the first checklist, the first step on the road to recovery.<p>IMO, if a WS will not do the very first step, then the M is not in recovery. Instead, you, the BS, are in Plan A and should follow the recommendations for Plan A, avoid LBs and learn to meet his ENs. After doing that for 6 months, he should feel safe enough to come clean when you make the request again. If he still refuses to come clean, then it's probably time for Plan B.