Weekly date with H tonight. As per usual, here I am to psychoanalyse it all and see what you all think. So far I think I've been pretty good at figuring out what's going on, but now I really don't have a clue. Help!<p>Last Friday, H tried to call me, incessantly - I was right in the middle of a car break-down w/ a friend, so kept sending him to my answering machine. Eventually turned my phone off and when I turned it back on, he had rung 8 times. I phoned him back and explained why I couldn't answer. Earlier in the week I had mentioned that I may be going out of town for the weekend to stay with a friend, so it was now that the questions started. "Are you going out of town?" "For how long?" "With who?" ect...<p>In true WH fashion, I didn't hear a word from him over the weekend. I don't know if he was with OW or not, but I assume he was because he always is. On Monday morning he sent me an email and asked if we were getting together that night to return something he had bought for me (we found it cheaper somewhere else). We didn't have plans set in stone to do this, and I had since made other plans for that night, so I explained I wouldn't be able to. This made him angry. He started getting really ratty with me on the phone. Then said that a package was being delivered that afternoon and asked if would I be in to sign for it. I explained that I had two appointments, one being a doc appointment, that I couldn't break, but I would be willing to leave a signed note for them to leave the pkg in the foyer of my building. That wasn't good enough for him and made him even more angry. He started saying things like "I thought we agreed we were going out tonight" and "where are you going?" I stayed calm and said "well, let's work something out here. I can bring the things you need over to your place tonight before I go out if you need them. It's not a problem, honey." I had genuinely come up with a great compromise to the dilema - he would get the things he wanted and needed and I wouldn't have to cancel my plans. This wasn't good enough, either. "Just forget it." was his response. I shrugged it off and went to my appointments. He sent me a text an hour later saying "sorry I got angry. Will you be able to get together tomorrow night?" I phoned him back and said that Tuesday night would be fine. He then said that he found out the pkg wouldn't be delivered until Tues afternoon, so no problems there. All was good in the world again. <p>So I went out last night with some friends and ended up sleeping on their sofa as it was quite late when we got in. I sent H a text before I went to sleep saying "missing you tonight. I love you and wish you were here." <p>I made sure I was home early this morning to sign for the pkg. H texted me first thing this morning and asked if I was home and I replied yes, I had made sure to be home early this morning. Immediately he responded, "why? Where did you stay last night? I got your text msg this morning." I didn't answer him about where I stayed, just said I sent the text because I was missing him and wanted to tell him that. <p>So we got together tonight, did the return and then went out for a lovely dinner and talked and laughed. Everything was fine and he seemed really relaxed and cool. Came back to my place after dinner and did a few things on the computer together. Then suddenly his mood changed. He started going thru his mail and realised he still hasn't received his new ATM card since losing his wallet nearly a month ago. He phoned the bank and they gave him some weird story about not having our new address (even tho we've changed it with them about 6 times). He hung up the phone with the bank and checked his messages on his cell. Obviously both were from OW. His mood got worse. <p>I asked if he was okay and he said no. I asked if I had done anything to upset him and he shouted at me "NO! It's the bank!!!". I slunk back into the sofa and looked down. I felt like crying, if I'm honest. It's rare that my H yells at all. And I was finding it hard to believe that the bank had got him THIS upset. I didn't want to push him or anything, so I got up and left the room slowly. He called after me, "sorry for snapping!". I just said, very quietly that it was okay. <p>His taxi showed up. I asked if he wanted help carrying his stuff out to the car and he said yes. He gave me a very brief and cold hug before he got into the car. I asked if he was okay and he said, "No. I'm stressed". I just turned around and walked away. Didn't want to pressure him or push him. Just left him to it. I could also feel my anger rising.<p>When I got into the house, I lost it. I started crying and getting angry. I felt like crap even though I didn't do anything wrong! Unbelieveable. Kept thinking to myself that if he would just, for once, think of someone other than himself, blah blah blah. <p>Sat down and thought about it all. Tried to think if I HAD done something to upset him tonight, but can't think of a single thing. I sent him a text message that said, "I hope you're okay, honey. I'm sorry you're stressed. If you need anything, just let me know. I love you." A few minutes later, I decided to ring him to see how he was, but his phone was turned off. And for my H, that is weird. He puts it on "silent" but never turns it off! Especially if there's the possibility that OW will ring! So have they had a fight?<p>But here are some thoughts -<p>*I know for a fact that he thinks I'm seeing someone else. He's asked me, and I've been honest and said no. I also left some of my new (sexy) underwear on the bed; forgot to put it away and I could see him looking at it. Could he be upset because he thinks I'm seeing someone else? Is this a good thing or a bad thing?<p>*His mood got worse after he listened to messages from OW. Is she being the LB Goddess and that's what made him so angry? Or maybe hearing her voice made him go all gooey inside and turn against me?<p>*(this is my personal favourite theory). Maybe he's upset with himself because he misses me and realises he wants me? I mean, just a few weeks ago, he was saying that he feels like he should be living here and thinks a lot about moving back in with me. He keeps questioning where I am and what I'm doing. He complimented me last week on my appearance and said I looked really good with all the weight I've lost. Maybe he can't handle seeing me and how well I'm doing and living a life without him? <p>Oh Dear God, WHY is this so bizarre? I know we can't second-guess anything the WS does, but I have to say this is new behaviour for him. Yelling at me. Turning his phone off. Questioning me about where I've been and with who. It's all so strange.<p>So, all you seasoned BS's - what the heck is going on here? Someone please explain this one!<p>And, as usual, I have managed to turn this into a novel. WHEN will I learn to keep it short and sweet?<p>love you all,
VE

VE,
Oh my dear, he is as jealous and crazy as they come. Remember where you were when you first became suspicious he was seeing someone else? Well, that's exactly where his mind is. <p>Personally I don't think that's a bad thing at all. SO and I are not married, so when Plan B was in effect..shoot yeah, I dated...and I had a ball. Sometimes I was sitting at home and crying, and he still thought I was out having fun...and it drove him NUTS.<p>This is reality that Plan B sort of introduces them to...that you will go on in life and they will not be part of it. And all of a sudden, your Plan A sticks out in their mind...and other fond memories...and they get really ticked off at themselves, the Other, and you. Got it from the horse's mouth.<p>I think you're doing great...keep up your considerate loving ways, be unavailable to drop everything anytime he calls. He's got to know that you are a woman with boundaries and will be treated with nothing less than honesty, love and respect.<p>You are doing fine!
T

Thanks for your input Twyla. It does make sense that it could be jealousy, but I wouldn't have thought that my H would project jealousy with anger. Then again, I wouldn't have thought he would have an affair!<p>I suppose it makes sense, though. Me losing a lot of weight and looking fab. Sexy underwear on the bed. And while we were on my computer last night, a male friend of mine logged onto IM and it popped up on my screen. He didn't say anything, but I saw him looking. That, plus lots of questions about what I'm doing. I guess it would be nice if it were jealousy, as it would mean that he still cares, wouldn't it? But then why the cold and short hug when he left last night? Just last week I got a long one and a passionate kiss. I just don't get it. <p>Anyone else have any thoughts on this? Pleeeeeease?

Well, I am not sure what your WH was thinking, but I can tell you that you are not alone. I went to the movies on Sunday with my WH and during the movies he yelled at me for asking for a red skittle. I ate the colors that he gave me and went back to watching the movies, never saying a word. Now the old SinkingFast would have yelled back or told him he was being a jerk. About ten minutes later I had a whole handful of red skittles. I did not act upset, I did not pout, I just watched the movie. <p>Then he was supposed to call Monday night and never did. The old Sinking would have called and asked why he never called. I did not do this and the next morning at 7:30 he called me at work. I read a book called Divorce Remedy and am trying something the author refers to as a 180. Basically, you just react the exact opposite of how you would have in the past. It seems to be along the same lines as making changes and letting the WS see the changes. I never got anywhere yelling back or getting upset when he did not call before, so why continue with those reactions.<p>Shake things up a bit. Let them wonder about you when you are not around. Do things that will get them thinking and continue them thinking even when the OP is around. For now let him think there is someone else. I lost a lot of weight too (about 80 pounds) and I bought a bunch of sexy underwear and bras, drives him crazy. Let him wonder what it looks like on, it will not be long before he asks to see it if he has not already. <p>Best of luck. I will be praying for you (and all of the other marriages at stake here).

I think our WH's could be the same person....lol<p>Here is my take on it....since I've been there.<p>All the questions about where you are...who your with. JELOUSY......no question about it.<p>The coldness.....I believe that just came out of sheer frustration. He's frustrated about everything right now....since he's still knee deep in fog.<p>He wants you...and is jelous.....OW is catching on and becoming the LB Queen...that in itself has to be frustrating. While here you are being nice as can be. He's trying to figure you out....and the OW is most likely seeing that he's pulling away from her....and she knows why too.
Unfortunately as the BS we often have to take the brunt of anger of WS to OP also.....not just the A itself. It's easier for him to be this way with you because your more understanding.....the OW would probably blow her top if he was this way with her. WS's often don't realize until it's almost too late how short a leash their OP likes to put them on and how their S didn't....even though they say they did.
I'm sure he feels like a total A$$ at the moment.<p>I believe that your WH is on his way down the spiral.....he's starting to realize exactly what he's losing in you.....and what he's losing in the OW. He's comparing the 2 I believe....and I think that you are coming out on top....and if you continue your Plan A'ing.....you will always come out on top with him.<p>Don't overdo it on making him wonder where you are or who you are with. This might also make him think that you truly just want to move on without him.....this is from personal experience....I took mine almost a little too far. Just let him know that in order for you to deal with this you have to be able to move on a little and know that you can make it without him......but you don't want to......it's his choice....since you never wanted all this in the first place.<p>I believe firmly in reminding the WS that they are the ones that put us in this situation.....you can ask my WH....lol<p>Take care....and good luck.<p>Heather

It's jealousy. Jealousy is caused by a sense of insecurity and fear, and most men act out these emotions through anger. You are handling the whole thing extremely well and keeping him guessing works to your favor. He wants to know all about what you are doing and who you are seeing, but he must also know that his current A with OP doesn't put him in a position where he can demand to know about your plans.<p>If he ultimately asks to come back (as I predict he will), I think you should require as a prerequisite that he agree to no contact and send a no-contact letter. I know it may be too early, but if you did the whole Plan B thing, I think he would be back within 2 weeks sans OW baggage.

Thanks everyone. I guess you're right. It's so hard to believe it's jealousy, though, isn't it? I mean, if he were jealous, then WHY not just come out and say that and admit he still cares about me and what I do?<p>But a good sign, I guess. Feels like I've been studying a new language these past few months. Or as though I'm some sort of code-decipherer in a war. Guess I'll just keep doing what I'm doing. <p>Thanks again!
VE