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Joined: Dec 2001
Posts: 177
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OP
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Joined: Dec 2001
Posts: 177 |
Does anyone have experience with the Harleys and making "rules" for seperation. Meaning will they actually tell teh WS to stop the realtionship with OM? FIL told me W told him if S Harley said to stop relationship, she would. I am not supposed to know this, how do I confront this in counseling tomorrow AM??
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Joined: Apr 1999
Posts: 8,016
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Joined: Apr 1999
Posts: 8,016 |
I am assuming the counseling is with Steve?<p>If so ask him flat out, "Steve, would the best thing for our marriage at this point be for wife to stop seeing om."<p>I can't imagine him not saying yes. After all, everything Harley has written has been that the marriage will not get any better while the op is still in the picture.
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Joined: Nov 2001
Posts: 1,649
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Joined: Nov 2001
Posts: 1,649 |
I have to agree. If the goal of this site is to help us rebuild failing marriages and recover and make relationships stronger, there is no way the Harleys would not advise the WS to stop seeing the OP.
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Joined: Jul 2001
Posts: 5,247
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Joined: Jul 2001
Posts: 5,247 |
Well --- voice of dissent. I don't think SH will tell your wife that the "rule" is that she has to end the A.<p>Of course its preferable (duh) but who on earth has the right to make a demand? And maybe coming from SH it wouldn't be a selfish demand, but I think she may still feel set-up by the two of you.<p>just my 02 cents
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Joined: Nov 1999
Posts: 1,749
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Joined: Nov 1999
Posts: 1,749 |
Well, since the whole idea of plan A and B is to negotiate stopping the affair and agreeing to a plan of recovery, I think Steve might tell her that she was not ready to participate in recovery until she agrees to the first step, ending all contact with OM.<p>Lexxy, the rule is... you are not in recovery while you are continuing contact.
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Joined: Sep 2001
Posts: 1,086
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Joined: Sep 2001
Posts: 1,086 |
The Harleys refer to the extraordinary precautions to ensure total separation from the OP as -suggestions- or -recommendations- to prepare for recovery, and add:<p>"Without total separation, marital recovery is almost impossible."<p>The WS need only separate from the OP IF s/he is truly interested in marital recovery. Otherwise, s/he's just yanking the BS's chain and/or indulging in cake eating, IMO. It's the WS's call whether s/he wants to lay down the ax with which s/he's been hacking away at the M or not. The WS's true intent may be easily discerned by his/her behavior. The behavior test applies to the BS as well, of course. It's one thing to talk the talk and sometimes quite another to walk the walk.
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