WW told me she filled out an application for an apartment. I am still trying to decide if I should tell her she can stay in the house and I'll go for the kid's sake (9, 7, 4). <p>Many of you say I shouldn't leave, but I just keep thinking about them being shuffled back and forth between two places and disrupting their lives.<p>If she doesn't get apt (which I think is a waste of money), I can stay with a relative for almost nothing. The kids stay in their own environment. <p>After telling me that she filled out the app, she says it would be easier if I left. Remember, she is the one with the A. She says she takes care of 80% of the house (not true) and 75% of the kids needs (not true). I LB'd a little here asking her how she can say that as I listed what I do.<p>I then made a comment that I do not want OM in my house if I were to go. No answer. So I said you're not denying it. So that tells me regardless if she gets apt or stays here, she intends to see him. I think it would kill me to know he was in MY bed - I'm getting sick just thinking about it.<p>I really thought she would not flaunt him in front of the neighbors, but I see she has every intention of seeing him during this separation.<p>Do I abandon the thoughts of leaving based on this new info? <p>Also, I have told her in the past I do not want him around my children. I don't know how I can stop that though on days when she would have them.<p>Need your help ASAP!!!<p>DD<p>3/01 - W tells me unhappy
7/01 - D-day
M 12 years (know each other 20)
Both of us 37
3 kids (9, 7, 4)

Hi Dad,<p>You need to keep your ground. She wants to play and you don't want her playing around your home then she needs to move. Let her carry the financial hardship and then see if she can still play. Women can be stubborn so you might just have to let her fall flat on her face. <p>As for the OM, you could look into options about restraining order of sorts since you may feel that he is not a good influence on your children. If she is being irresponsible then you can let them know this. As the H, you may have to prove your worth since many laws side with the mother. Get cracking on the on writing up stuff and find a good lawyer to prep/advise you. Also you might want to get character writeups to show that you are the responsible parent/spouse. <p>Don't panic. Pray for a calm heart and a clear mind. K?<p>L.

I love her so much. But that obviously means nothing to her because "she feels nothing". No matter what I do nothing helps. I'm not sure what the rush is for this total separation. All I can come up with is that she wants to be able to see OM whenever she wants.<p>BTW...the financial hardship is both of ours as all our accounts are still joint. I even write the &^%$^*& check for her cell phone bill.

hI, IN MY state, tx, you can keep ws from spending time with op, and also keep them from spedning night with op until divorced... also is she abusing drugs or alcohol, what about her character? Get proof of her cheating, recordings, pictures, andything in writing if you can.. this will all help... proof that you are doing what is right... hopefully it will not come to this, but you can legally protect your kids.<p>HONEY

No drugs or alcohol. Up until this A, her character was outstanding. She is a strong person and my best friend. No emotional abuse on either side, no physical abuse - nothing. What's the issue then? My job consumed me a couple of years ago and this apparently is the result. The funny part is that I worked hard to provide for my family to make a better income, etc. <p>What a kick in the pants that was. We are both quiet people to begin with so communication was always low key. She said things a few times and I changed, but I never realized how serious it was or I would have quit the job. She then stopped saying things and thought everything was OK. I know now it wasn't. If she had only hit me over the head. I would NEVER have risked losing my W. NEVER.<p>Since 3/01, I have changed - no more work at home and home everyday for my family by 5:30. I do more around the house, etc. - she is still with OM though.<p>I wished I had known about this site then.

Hi Dad,<p>Yes we can see how much you love her but she either doesn't see it or care to see it. <p>So what do you do? You protect your love. Let her pay her own cell bill. This is not a bad thing. Let her move out and be on her own. This is not a bad thing. Hard to let go, yes but not a bad thing. In fact once she is gone you may find a bit of relief. This your face with the OM is very hard on the soul. <p>As hard as it was (even financially) I even paid WS' credit card bills (dumb me!!! ) for the 1st 3 months he moved out. Then I stopped and the guy came home!! Hmmmph think of all the money I could have saved if I stopped (and ruined my credit) but hey, he has already done that! <p>See they like to play but not pay. So let them pay their way!! <p>Chew on that for a while and then post your thoughts ok!? It is not as hard as it seems. <p>Take Care,
L.

<p>[ January 20, 2002: Message edited by: MMMMM ]</p>

I also agree that if your wife does not want to work on your marriage she should move out. And the kids should stay in the house with you. <p>RE: If she doesn't get apt (which I think is a waste of money), I can stay with a relative for almost nothing. The kids stay in their own environment. <p>Does this mean that she would be taking the kids with her? Why would you permit that? If she wants to break up her family then let her be the one to leave. If you move out, then it will look like you abandoned your wife and your children. It does not matter what is going on between you and your wife. It is never right to abandon your children. They need you as the stable force in their lives right now.<p>Either way the children will have to go to both of your homes as they will spend time with each of you. <p>If she stays in the house, you can bet the OM will be there. Remember that it is not in your best interest to make it easier for her to have an affair. That is what you will be doing if you move out. <p>If she moves out, she will have to face leaving her children, paying rent on an apartment (it is her financial responsibility to do this). By moving out she will get a more realistic view of what life without you will be like.

I agree with what you all said. The time would be split with the kids. The issue about paying for the apt is that we have all our money in joint accounts, so in essence, I pay too.<p>After reading your posts and thinking about it, there is no way I am moving and allowing OM to come to MY house and end up in MY bed. That sickens me and it sickens me to think she could stoop that low.<p>As a corolary (sp?) though, if she moves into an apt, then OM has free reign anyway to come and go as he pleases. How does that help me?<p>DD

Devastated Dad --<p>On the other hand...since you're getting very sound advice from these Master Posters (Orchid, Honey, Zorweb, mylife--a veritable who's who of support-givers!), I thought I should get involved with my situation.<p>Sometimes it becomes necessary, short of bodily throwing a WS out of the house, to seek relief and peace by having the BS leave. My W simply wouldn't go, so I was the one to leave, to protect my emotional stability (it hurt too much to be living with a wife who suddenly "didn't love me anymore.") and to minimize the daily tension and stress, for me and my daughters...and her.<p>While I agree that it's not the preferable solution, I needed to do something to move the two of us off of the same square. Maybe that's what needs to happen here.<p>Frankly, I think if your W is going to continue seeing the OM, having her own apartment is far more dangerous than the remote chance that your W and OM would be foolish enough to have him in your home with your children (and neighbors?). Of course, they've been foolish enough already so even that's possible.<p>Money is an issue in my situation so it was a lot less expensive for me to find living arrangements for one, than to have her go with the girls (she wasn't willing to "leave them behind" -- have your cake and eat it too).<p>In my state, any legalities of abandonment don't apply in my situation (I checked) because I'm still paying the bills on everything. <p>It's a mess either way: she's had the A and wants the space but you end up the one to leave. Makes no objective sense but I did it for non-objective reasons. Just another take on things...<p>Ammon

Ammon<p>Thanks for the response. I asked that if I left would she have OM over...dead silence...and she didn't deny it. I just don't think I can live with that.<p>Other comments....anyone?<p>DD

What she does at her apt is not something you have controll over. You can stipulate that the children not be in his presence. Court order sort of thing. Especially if he is of questionable character. Yea I know you already believe he is but to prove it to a judge may require a bit of work. <p>You can protect you and your home. So if she moves out and you stay then you can protect that. As for what she allowed in the past, you have to let it drop. You are going to be angry about that for quite a while so realize it and keep moving on. When that thought makes you want to vent, come here and throw it up!!! k? [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Take Care,
L.