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Joined: Jan 2002
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and predicted exactly what H was going to say next. I have been told "When you no longer think of OM, and when you no longer have any of OM's gifts in the house, then you call me and we can start to work on the marriage." I said, "When I call you, I hope that you have been to see a counsellor to deal with your issues, and if you have not, then don't call me until you have".<p>He is right with what he said to me. I do not have an argument there at all. But was it fair for me to ask him to work on himself? He got very defensive and I could sense his walls go up and he grew silent. I knew that I hit home with saying that. After I said that to him, I said that I needed to be reassured that he really wanted this. So, he repeated it again calmly. I told him my feelings on this. I said that I do not want to push him out of my life; I want to go through all these trials and tribulations together. The gifts are gone. Now I have to work on getting rid of all these feelings. I feel awful saying what I did to him. Was I out of line?

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No, I think you made progress tonight. Don't you?<p>L.

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no you were not out of line, and the rule here is the time honored actions speak louder than words, he needs to know he can no longer "talk" himself around stuff, he has to take action....and your action requests are reasonable and consistent with your circumstances.

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I find it is easier to say "That's OK", than say what I feel and mean. Like saying this to H, I feel like the meanest person on the face of this earth. And that is what has probably caused alot of my problems that I am in. By me saying "That's OK, I sacrificed my needs and gave him a false understanding of who I am. But when I would bring up things like "don't smoke *** while the KIDS are here in the house", I would get verbally abused. I learned fast to turn my back to what I did not like. I know Dr. Harley talks about this in one of the policies. That is re-programming that I have to do on my own now. Now the A, and he is hit with a bomb... and no wonder his head is all messed up. I am someone else inside that he chose not see, and because I CHOSE to say "that's OK". The reason why the seperation did not happen, was because I could NOT say no to him. I have never been able to. H would show up to drop the boys off and ask to come in for a visit and I would say yes. Sometimes, I wanted to say NO, but I couldn't because I know I would get verbal abuse, etc. Other times, I could clearly see that he needed someone to talk to. He has no friends (due to HIS past lifestyle and our move to a new city 2 years ago). I have made lots of friends thru volunteering and he has made zippo. These people that I made friends in did not fit into his comfort zone (drugs and alcohol) and ALL of their husbands are nice men. But hey, one was a cop. Do you think we ever went there for dinner? Nope. <p>This is only Day One of this seperation/no talking/no contact agreement. Should there be a time line on it versus... "call me when you are thru with OM?". If H comes over during peiod of withdrawal, do I leave him out in the cold? What do I say to him? I have never said NO to him.

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[img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] I know my last question is not HIGH priority but can someone please answer my last question?
Thank you so much. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]

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Hi there!
Wow, what a story you have! I'm really proud of you for tossing the gifts. That shows you want to save your marriage. I don't think you were out of line to insist on counseling, after all, your H wants to save the marriage and win you back, right? Right!<p>I don't believe HE is out of line to say that you need to get over your withdrawal from OM either. He doesn't want 1/2 a wife whenever he comes back home. He deserves your 100% just like you deserve his 100%. He is willing to wait and he is SMART to wait. He is protecting his feelings right now and I can't say I blame him.<p>How do you get over your withdrawal? Well, Harley says to treat OM like you would treat drugs to an addict who is trying to clean up. I'll let YOU think about that one... [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]<p>[ January 16, 2002: Message edited by: BINthereDUNthat ]</p>

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BMWM,<p>
I thing I heard (read) in between the lines here, is how you and your H fight/argue. Try to fight fairly by sticking to one issue at a time. When he asked/demanded that the OM gifts be gone, it sure sounded like you told him only if he does the counseling thing. This type of discussion daisy chains multiple issues together and very seldom resolves any of them (at the moment of discussion). <p>I'd also guess that at this point your H is guilty of this type of discussion as well, so next time you talk tell him you would like to talk to him on a issue by issue basis. <p>I hope this helps.<p>JMHO,
HI

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Hi Infidelity,<p>I may have daisy chained them together, but that was not my intention. And never knew that it was a bad thing either. Thank you for sharing your knowledge with me and I will watch that I do not do that in the future. I believe that the two issues are "stand alone" issues. He has asked me to remove the gifts and then I can make contact with him and we will resume working on the marriage. I have asked him in turn to seek counselling and I will resume working on the marriage. As I am the first one that will be making contact, I honestly do not know if he will go to counselling and that is not a factor in me getting rid of the gifts. I am getting rid of the gifts because I can clearly see that this is a valid request and it hurts him to see the items around the house when he comes over to visit. I may call H in X days and he may say that he is not interested in couselling and needs time. That is when I want to give him the time to sort out his issues, just like he giving me the space to do the same. Sorry, if I did not communicate that clearly.


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