Well I thought I would share my experience in the hopes that someone can learn from my mistakes. If you feel your WS might still be remotely interested in rebuilding your marriage then I don't recommend following my example.<p>Quick background. Wife and I have been married going on 7 years, know each other for 9. I am 26 she is 27. She has a rough temper and is prone to outburtst of violence and verbal abuse. Not so much in the last couple years but it was bad in our early years. The last few years have been tough emotionally, with each of us having thrown up barriers.. Our son was born 2 and a half years ago and some of the problems got put on hold or were let go when that happened. The last year though, things haven't gone well at all. She told me a few times she wanted me to leave. I finally did leave 2 months ago, after seeing how much pain she was in. We said we would take a step back and try to fix our marriage. I went into the separation with that in mind.<p>I found out 2 days ago that she's been having an intimate affair with a friend that she met about 8 months ago. I have been in shock and riding the roller coaster that comes along with such devastating news.<p>Now I came to this site and these message boards seeking advice and a direction to take in dealing with this issue. It seems that most of the information to be found here deals with couples who are still living together. Plan A seems to be for people who have some hope that their spouse would come back to them once the affair ended.<p>Inside me I don't know that that is true in my case. So last night I went to her and I told her that she had to stop seeing the OM or I would divorce her. Her first reaction was in anger, that she wouldn't stop seeing him. I left angry and she called me, saying she would read my letter to her and then call me back. I finally felt like I could sleep so I went and laid down. I woke up at 2am and called her back. Instead of reading and thinking about things, she spent a couple hours on the phone with him. She says she's sick of me, sick of him and that she would rather be alone. I know she's feeling tremendous pressure now but I am at the point where I need her to commit to working on us or I need to leave her.<p>We talked some about just our marriage, the OM aside. She said that she made the decision that she didn't want to be there a long time ago and now that I show interest it's only because she's finally found someone she likes. She also told me one of the fundamental problems she had with me and I know it's a common problem in a marriage. One that could have been solved if we had just gone for help years ago. She claims that I only touch her and am gentle with her when I want to have sex. We were both withdrawn from previous hurts inflicted and we did do our own things for a long time. I would read or jump online rather than go lay down with her and just caress her shoulder, without pressing for intimacy. It's true that my affections usually led to lovemaking and I think I know why. I knew we had serious problems but I would tell myself that things couldn't be that bad is she was responding to me sexually. It became a way to gauge our relationship and for that I am truly sorry. This is something I know that I can fix. This last year our lovemaking became less and less frequent until it ended entirely about a month before I moved out. <p>I left the house thinking that I needed to make some real changes in me and show her that I do love her and that I wanted to make it work. The changes I have been working on have gone unnoticed because she has been seeing this other man and that's a really tough pill to swallow. We agreed to go for counseling but she never took the initiative to schedule it. I finally did it myself (my phone was down for a couple weeks and I couldn't do it from work) this week. Our first session is tonight and I think she's still going to go although I know she doesn't want to. <p>So at this moment right now, I'm facing a divorce and the fact that she has already found someone to help her through the tough times. She claims that he isn't going to be there, that he's not a long term thing. I know she feels more strongly about him than she admits to me, maybe even to herself.<p>In the end, I still want to find the help we need so that they can help us get over the emotional scars and barriers that we have. With some give and take I know that I can be the one to fulfill her needs. At the same time getting it out in the open that we are most likely going to divorce has helped me cope with this. I feel like I might be able to live for myself instead of constantly trying to please her, constantly watching my step so as not to upset her, trying to live up to her expectations which have gotten out of control, perhaps as punishment for the past. I told her last night that she betrayed me by not asking for a divorce before she pursued this other man. She fired back saying I betrayed her a long time ago, I withdrew into myself. She's not willing to accept that we both inflicted hurts on each other and is using that to justify what she's doing to me, our son and her family. She told me when he asked her out the first time and she was honest about feeling some attraction for him. This only came out after the fact, I believe by the time she told me this she had already seen him romantically if not sexually. She said that she is an adult and can make her own decisions. I totally agree with that but now there are consequences to be faced.<p>I asked her if she did this to hurt me to the point that I would finally end the marriage but she says no. I believe that, I think that she's just trying to save herself at this point. She's already lost her brother, she's losing her parents (they will not support her through this after the adultery and I won't cover it up for her) and she's losing me. I worry about her a lot and I hope she can find her peace. I still wish it was with me but I finally realize that it probably isn't.<p>It's hard but I am going to be okay. I will pick up the pieces of my life and try to be strong for my son. I finally was able to confide in a couple people yesterday and they helped me through this. One is someone I know online (married woman with three kids, nothing there at all between us but she had the perspective I needed and she has helped me a lot. She's a great gal). She helped me to see that allowing my wife to see this man and pretend I have a shot is really unhealthy for me and my son. I also broke down and talked with her mother, really the only family I have that I could trust. She's as sad as I am about this and horribly disappointed in my wife. I hope that someday they can get through this but I fear her parents are going to distance themselves from her like her brother already has.<p>My wife says that I've twisted the cause of our divorce from our problems to the other man. I know that her seeking another man is the result of our problems which is why I offered her the chance to prove to me that she wants to work on the marriage by letting him go. She chose not to so I don't know how she can justify claiming he has nothing to do with it. Had she simply asked for a divorce when I moved out, before they crossed the line, we wouldn't have had to go through this. It was an act of uncaring cruelty, making me deal with this and a divorce. We're going to the counselor today unless she refuses (which I don't think she will) so we'll get to put it on the line in a safe environment. Part of me wants her to say she'll take the chance with me and try to work it out. I feel like she hasn't totally convinced herself that she wants me to leave but she is afraid to lose the person who has been able to make her happy if only for a short time. Given some time, I know I could make her happy. I know inside that it's over though and I am trying to cope with it from that point of view. I love her and I always will but she's done too much damage in the past and this has hurt so many people but she seems not to care..<p>Thank you for reading my story and please feel free to post your thoughts, whether you think I was out of line or maybe you support what I did. I'm not perfect but I was willing to work for it. I know where my faults lie, I think I know in which direction we need to head to begin recovery but she's put herself out of my reach now. Maybe this will at least give others like me some hope that they can come out of something so painful with a little wisdom and move on. I'm trying.<p>[ January 17, 2002: Message edited by: Seeking_Guidance ]</p>

Ok, slow down! I know that everything seems to be crashing down right now and it seems to you that you have made a marriage ending mistake of pushing, but the marriage is in no way over and you have not done anything that is not repairable. <p>Since you just found out I am guessing that you have not read the book Surviving and Affair (SAA). Get it, read it and reread it. It will help you in ways that you never dreamed possible. I got it a few weeks after I found out about my WH and it not only let me know that I was not crazy for wanting to save my marriage like almost everyone was telling me, but it also tald me that there was hope. And right now there are days that the only two things you will feel that you have to hold on to are your son and hope for your future. <p>Now is the time to take stock and calm down. Remember that you have not done anything that can not be fixed. I could tell you things that I did up front that would make you think my WH would never want to see me again. Well guess what, the OP may still be in the picture, but he is now lying to her to spend time with me. He is still afaind to let go of her and commit to our marriage right now, but guess what, he is looking at our marriage as a real option. That is light years ahead of him saying that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her and he that there was no hope for our marriage. <p>The key is to get your plan in place and get it in motion as soon as you can. Read SAA, read information on this site, post questions, look at the things you have done in the past or did not do in the past that helped put your marriage in the place that it has been for the past few years and work on correcting those things. Make changes for you, do not tell your WW what things you are working on, SHOW HER! Sure she may not see them up front. <p>My WH gave me sone information that may help you up front. He told me that right after I found out about the A he only gave himself one option for his future and that was her. I begged, I cried, I peaded, I did everything and I do mean everything wrong. I was such a mess that Steve Harley sent me to plan b almost immediately to save myself, my WH and my marraige from me and my actions. I just knew it was over. How could I possible ever save my marriage if he never saw the changes I was making. Well at the time he was in no position to notice my changes anyway, so I really did not hurt myself that much in the long run. Know up front that she will not notice much of anything in reagrds to you, but that does not mean you stop trying. Keep working on yourself. Do it for you and do it for your son. Do not make her the center of your world or the reason for your changes. Once the excitement of the A starts to die down (and it will as I have learned from my WH) she will start to notice. She will get curious about the new and improved you.<p>I ran into my WH at a mall six months after I went to plan b, had lost 80 pounds, was wearing make-up and buying a pair of leather pants. Got his attention. Since November we have been talking, spending time together, working on the house that we had both moved out of and were going to sell (the house I am moving back into this weekend) and getting along really well. He is now questioning spending the rest of his life with her, he sees our marriage as an option for him and last week he told me over the phone that he loved me. Took me by surprise, I did not even know what to say. We are not near a recovery yet, but I can see significant improvement in our chances. <p>There are a lot of good people here. Do not make the mistakes I made up front, do not think you have made a marriage ending mistake! When you get down come here. Post, read, vent, do whatever you need to do to get through this and become stronger. WHen you WW does decide to work on your marriage, she is going to need you more than ever. You need to be strong for yourself, your son and your WW.<p>Hang in there, I will be praying for you.
SF

Man, I feel your pain. If you read some of my threads here you'll see that our situation is very much alike. I'm new to this (D-Day 12/7) but I'll share my thoughts. I agree w "sinking fast" that you need to read SAA, it was a ray of hope for me. Plan A isn't just for couples living together, it's for all. Your WW's reactions to what you say are textbook (OM not the problem-she wants to leave you both-your fault she had A,etc.)
She is in a fog and doesn't see things clearly. The fact that she may go to counseling with you is a major plus.<p>Don't give up hope. Work on improving yourself, loving your kid, and re-newing your love for your wife. The worst possible scenario would be that you end up a better person, w/o your wife. And that's the worst possible scenario.<p>God bless. You are in my prayers.

Wow, thanks for that it helps me alot. I'm despairing because I just don't think that she wants to work on our marriage, A aside.<p>I honestly don't know if I can accept her living in our home and seeing this man. I know that pushing so hard so fast is not right but it seems like I couldn't help it. She tells me that she does love me but I think making her make this choice now is driving her right away from me. At the same time I feel like if I don't make this stand now I won't be able to look at myself in the mirror down the road.<p>Your reply has given me some hope, however small. I know that not much time has elapsed since I got this news but how can you possibly find the strength to sit by while your spouse is holding someone else?<p>One of my problems is that I've made her uncomfortable around me because I push and push, talk and talk. I'll call her this morning and see if she's okay and tell her I'm here if she needs to talk. We're going to counseling today and I don't know if I can resist making this demand of her again. I'll try not to, I'll try to give her space but I don't know which takes more strength, letting her go or trying to hold on.

I know how you feel right now. I can remember the feelings I had up front like they were yesterday. You know that you marriage can be fixed and you want to prove it. What is wrong with the WS that they can not see things the same way you can? Well get this thinking out of your mind. Right now determining the changes you need to make to ba a better you and taking care of your son and yourself are what is top priority. <p>Do not push her. I can not tell you how important that is. When you want to push go for a walk, play with your son, post here. What you do instead of pushing her is not as important as the fact the you are not pushing her. I made this mistake for two months with my WH and managed to push him closer to the OW. It was not until I backed away and gave him space and spent the time working on myself that he started coming closer. <p>Let her know you love her and want to make your marriage work, but be careful not to push want you want on her. Try to figure out what her top emotional needs (EN) are and what are love busters (LB) to her. Then meet any EN of hers that you can and avoid LBs at all costs. <p>I know that it is hard to think of her with the OP, but you must understand up front that you can not get rid of him only she can do that. Your job if you choose to accept it for the next few days, weeks or months (however long it takes) is to be the best you possible, decide how much effort you are willing to give to save your marriage and start putting forth the effort. Show her that you are the man she fell in love with once and can again. DO NOT TELL HER, SHOW HER. I can not stress how important that is. Do not tell her how she should feel, show her how you feel. Do not tell her how big of a mistake she is making, show her a better option. Do not point the finger, be loving. Plan A is not for the weak. I learned that the hard way.<p>Hang in there and keeping posting.

As I read your post... I thought of the veteran Queen of Plan A while her H lived with OW... lostva...<p>I recommend you do a search of her posts... I will post a link to one to get you started...<p>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum28/HTML/000431.html<p>and:<p>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum28/HTML/003018.html<p>She is the ultimate success story I have heard of on this forum... she does occasionally lurk and I know others email her... so if you post specifically to her she will eventually answer.<p>Cali<p>[ January 16, 2002: Message edited by: Cali ]</p>

Plan A seems to be for people who have some hope that their spouse would come back to them once the affair ended.
Uh, sort of. Plan A is for you to learn what behaviors you have which may be detrimental to your marriage relationship. But these principles can work for other relationships also.<p>I just don't think that she wants to work on our marriage, A aside.
You can't put the affair aside from working on the marriage. They go hand in hand. Notice how things did not get really bad until the affair started.<p>She claims that I only touch her and am gentle with her when I want to have sex.
Most of what the wayward spouse (WS) says is true to some extent but usually is very much amplified because they know an affair is wrong and they have to try & justify it in someway.<p>Read everything on this site and post questions. It is not going to be easy but you can get through this okay.<p>One thing. Don't try to "educate" your wife with things you may learn here. It is okay to tell her you have read some stuff & are working on being a better husband. Actions speak louder than words. Show her you are learning & changing for the better.

I think that blanket statements from the WS like "we were never happy" or "I never loved you" are probably revisionist history, yes...but if a real, tangible complaint is brought up, listen and listen HARD. It's probably not an exaggeration at all, and it's probably been bothering them for years (but they haven't known how to bring it up or deal with it).<p>It's dangerous to think that every complaint or reason a WS might give is being blown out of proportion by them...dangerous to having a future relationship.

When she told me about being hurt that I only initiate affection when I want to have sex, it was a real eye opener for me. I'm glad that she was able to be frank with me about it. She has been pretty forthright about the OM, once it got into the open.<p>At first I pressed her for details but I know that I need to forget all that and focus on making self improvements. I've already begun in that arena but the most important one I need to change is my habit of nagging, digging at a sore spot until she just explodes. I've done that all through our marriage and it's such a bad thing.<p>Today I spoke with her briefly on the phone (she called me) and I apologized for trying to force her into this decision right now. I told her that I'm going into the Counseling session today with no expectations, well some. I told her that she can come to me when she needs to talk.<p>You know I really feel like we can rebuild but I know that she will not be forced into something. I'm planning to level with her today in counseling and ask her to do the same to me. If she really feels like she doesn't want to make any kind of attempt and needs to be alone then I will give her the divorce but continue to show her the changes I am making. You're right in that it can only benefit me. Our family is worth the effort.<p>I'm over bulk of the anger already, though it crops up from time to time. I know this woman and I know this wasn't some careless fling, that she had to be hurting inside pretty badly to be driven to this point. I just hope that she hasn't turned her feelings for me into stone, that I can soften it up and help her find those emotions she once had. I'm going to try. Wish me luck. I'll post an update after our session tonight.<p>I've asked God to help me with this, perhaps some of you out there could slip us into your prayers. A man named Josh who feels pretty small in the world right now could use your thoughts. I want to thank you all for your responses, it helps me alot. I was set to just toss it out last night and I know she was angry enough to do the same. Maybe, just maybe we can make this work.<p>[ January 16, 2002: Message edited by: Seeking_Guidance ]</p>

SG:<p>Just wanted to add my 2 cents. As you have and will discover, your situation is far from unique. It is nearly universal that the WS tells the BS that they don't want to work on the M, have no more feelings for the BS, and that the OP has nothing to do with this. Usually, this is partially true and partially false. The OP does play a large part in these statements made by the WS, but usually (as you have admitted) there were prior problems in the M that made one or both of you vulnerable to an A.<p>Time and Plan A are your friends now. Your WS will likely remain in this very negative mood about you and your M, but this can and very often does change. The fact that she seems fed up with the OP too is encouraging.<p>Expect that she will continue to say bad things about you and your M. Much of it may not be true, but listen to her. She is mad about your perceived neglect and is probably ashamed of her A. Better that she get her anger out with you than with OP. Ultimately, this may create opportunities for you to become closer, which may slowly lead to a spark of feelings for you again.<p>If you want to save your M, it can be done but it will be difficult. Good luck and keep posting.

(((SG))))<p>Hey listen to the others here.... read, read, readand read. Post and vent here.<p>Like sinking fast... I did all the wrong things just like her. Yes, my H divorced me... but he is in a affair that the ow is in another country... so they only see each other maybe 60 days a year. This type of a affair takes along time to fizzle out... They are still going strong [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>anyway... read ... Love Must Be Tough by James Dobson.... gather all the info you can... and see what might work best for you. there are other websites out there too...www.divorcebusters.com<p>My heart goes out to ya... keep your chin up.
We have all been where you are.....<p>s

Oh boy what a mess I can make. We had our counseling session today. It was okay, the counselor is excellent, perceptive and very qualified. <p>My wife seemed to be having a hard time sharing, maybe didn't want me to know all of her details. It did come out that she's been with this guy for 6 months now or more (she admitted to 2 months on the way to the office in the car) and she also said she feels absolutely no guilt about doing what she's doing. I was pretty upset about that but I rolled with it and we all agreed to continue with counseling. We're going to do individual sessions next week (maybe, read on).<p>So, we leave and grab a bite to eat, talk a bit. I go home for a few before stopping to get our son. When I'm there she calls me, very upset and crying. Apparently her mother called her best friend and was asking questions. This friend has been cheating on her husband for a long time now but they just don't deal with it. Well my wifes mother told her friend that if she was leaving me for another man that she would not support her and would never talk to her again. Ugh, this is what I feared would happen.<p>She says she's fed up with everything and can't take it anymore. She said she was headed to the other mans house. Trying to take faith in what you all have shared with me, I calmly told her that I understood and that I would be here if she needed to talk. We talked all the way there and then she went to him.<p>I called my mother in law and asked her what happened. She told me the story of how a month ago my wife was supposed to pick up my son from their house and was late. They got worried, my father in law went to her friends house to see if she was there, my brother in law called the police. She showed up eventually and when they asked her what happened she said she was at her friends house. Of course they looked there so she was busted and everyone knew what she was up to. No one told me until now and that tipped me over the edge.<p>I got on the phone and called her cell. Once, twice and three times to tell her to get the hell out of there. She never answered so I got in my car and started over to his house. I called his number before I got there and when he answered I said "Could I speak to my WIFE please!". She was extremely upset about that and met me before I could get there. I got in the car and told her that enough is enough. She's not going to run around with this guy and leave my son waiting, flaunt what she's doing in front our family, my neighboors. I left to pick up my son and she went back to his place for a couple hours.<p>Evidently he broke it off with her. She wailed that I had removed the one thing that made her happy in her life. She had told me that this guy would walk away if I confronted him, so I went the easier route and called, I didn't bang on his door and take a swing like I would have wanted to.<p>I just spoke with her on the phone and she's still crying. She said that he's out of her life now and I can be happy I don't need to compete. Well we just decided in the past day and a half that we were going to split so she had taken away my need to compete.<p>I'm pretty jaded about this whole thing now. She told me that just because she's alone now doesn't mean she wants to rebuild anew. I know that's her anger talking but I don't know that I would be willing to make the effort at this point. <p>While waiting for her to return from his place, I flipped through her planner. At this point I don't care if I'm snooping. She keeps track of the days she sleeps with him (like she did when we began) and she had the symbol there dating all the way back to October and it could have been longer cause the old months were gone. They've been together for a long time, before I even moved out of the house. She's brought him into our bed, even though I haven't shared it with her in a long time it's not right that she cheats without dealing with her life first.<p>I told her that she should have asked for a divorce the minute she had feelings for this guy. Now she has to suffer the consequences of this act. As she put it before, she's an adult and capable of making her own decisions. Well now she has to live with it, with her brother not talking to her, with her parents not talking to her, with most likely losing the house, with losing me (not such a big problem at this point), with even possibly losing custody of our son. <p>I still love her but I don't know that I can get over this level of betrayal. I don't think that they're really going to end it. She just told me that she called me because it's either me or him and she can't (won't?) call him. My guess is that she's on the phone with him right now.<p>Some patience I have, I wish things could have gone down differently. I know that she really has some issues inside and I am going to try to get her to keep seeing the counselor. She sounded so heart broken when she told me about him breaking it off. I feel myself leaning towards sympathy but I clench my insides and just listen. She's a big girl and she caused a lot of damage. I don't know that it will ever be repaired.

As a WS, I have to say...if my SO had behaved in this manner when he found out about my affair...I would have never come back, bottom-line. <p>You have to tread very, very carefully if you really want your wife back. It doesn't sound like you're even acknowledging that this huge LB (calling, demanding, driving to OM's house) was wrong at all...it just sounds like you're :: so sorry that it couldn't have been different. Everyone needs to be honest with each other and with themselves about how they've contributed to this environment (although the affair itself is solely her decision).<p>I'm not trying to come down on you, really...I'm just saying that you need to think about how all of this looks to your wife. If she comes back to you, she's gonna need something to hope for...some way to think that she can come back to you and be happy again. The behavior that you've described thus far is not exactly what I'd call conducive to making this thing work out.<p>Would you rather be 100% in the right and justified in all of your actions? Or would you rather have your wife? What's it gonna be? Because until she gets herself together all you're gonna do with this kind of behavior is push her away. She won't get herself together until she starts to develop a little bit of self esteem and starts to gain a lot of knowledge about how to effectively deal with conflict. She's gonna have to learn this regardless...do you want her to learn with you (since you both need to learn), or would you rather she learn elsewhere? <p>Make yourself look like an appealing choice...give her a reason to want to come back.<p>[ January 16, 2002: Message edited by: TowardsTheFuture ]</p>

<p>[ January 20, 2002: Message edited by: MMMMM ]</p>

Thanks for the input. I am still pretty upset about the whole thing. I knew very well that what I was doing was most likely going to put her totally out of reach.<p>I AM willing to work towards a resolution in our marriage, no matter the time it takes. I guess I don't think she is and so I gave up hope. I don't know that I would be able to cope with Plan A. I have the same pain she had before this third party was introduced. She's recklessly destroyed my life and I have serious doubts about keeping up a cheerful, appealing front while she figures out whether or not this man is for her. Even then, I'm doubtful that she's willing to put in the time, just based on some of the subtle things I've seen.<p>I'm being selfish here, I know. I also know that this isn't the road to recovery but for the sake of myself and my son I think I really need to be sure what I want. I won't put him through watching his mother be an adulterer, inflicting pain on everyone he loves. <p>AHH, I'm just in turmoil right now. I'm actually sitting here waiting for her to call, afraid that she's talking to him. If I had to fess up to my thoughts now, I'd say I will try to make myself an attractive option if he's gone. If not, I will move into the house with my son and let her get an apartment. We can't afford this situation much longer and I'm the only one who can afford the house solo. So many ups and downs in this mess. I don't even know if I really truly love her anymore. I think I do but I need to do some self exploration and take my focus off of her. Grrr, I know she's talking to him.

They did talk again last night and she did call me back. She's pretty angry with me about this. She claims that they were coming to the conclusion on their own that they couldn't be together anymore and that I pushed it too far, that she's clear now that she wants a divorce.<p>She says she was letting him go so she could give the counseling a chance, give us a chance. I told her that it all built up and I just wasn't thinking. I have a hard time believing she was going to let him go but maybe that's so. I simply told her that if she could give herself time to deal with the anger and pain of losing him then we might be able to get some real help and rebuild. I am still moving ahead with counseling even if she doesn't, I need help to rid myself of some of my anger.<p>So I am moving ahead and planning for a divorce. I had hoped it wouldn't come to this but I see no alternative unless she can actively decide she wants to make it work. I'll be there for her to talk but now I have to take the advice of our counselor and stop obsessing about her. Not calling to see how she's doing or emailing will be hard but that's my short term goal. She has to come to me but I'm preparing myself to focus only on my son.<p>Sorry for making such a monumentaly long thread but it helps me to get it off my chest, to examine my mistakes and those we made together.

I forgot to mention that she told me last night when she called that she was just using this guy to strike at me and drive me out of her life. Since it didn't work she didn't need him anymore. I think she's really grasping at straws because I know that she feels like she loves him. Maybe she's saying this to make it easier to deal with losing him, which I don't think she has.<p>She told me that he asked her if she loved me. She said she liked me a lot, even loved me in a way but that with the problems we've had over the years it started to waver. I've learned through research that this is normal though and that it itsn't something that can't be overcome. What hurts the most is that she said "I love you" even last week. I think she does but this may drive her to ingore it.<p>TtF you said that as a WS you wouldn't have returned to your M if your BS did something like this. I can't help but wrack my brain to try and understand how it is that no one seems to think it's okay for the BS to lose it. I'm under so much pressure right now with this, finacially, losing my job to layoff next month, worrying about my son and I can't slip? I can't make a mistake in anger? I've been holding it at bay throughout this thing, even when I suspected but didn&#8217;t know for sure. She's commented before that I had been handling it very well but she knew that I would reach a boiling point. All of the things that hit me yesterday just made me lose it and do something stupid. I just think it's so ironic that she's able to blame me now, that she thinks that I'm the villian.<p>She said she couldn't believe that I had his home number programmed in my phone. I don't, I have his address and number on a piece of paper that I have in my coat. She told me a could throw it out now but I don't even know if I CAN throw it out. I don't plan to confront this guy but I'm fighting the urge to do so. How is he such an innocent? Yeah she opened the door but he knows damn well she's married. She's tried to protect him from this but she never bothered to protect anyone else around her. She's been so terrified that her issues would drive him away.<p>I really feel like I've given her the motivation to press this divorce, maybe she will do it in an attempt to get him back. She's been lying to me and to herself about how much this guy means to her. I'll be the first to admit what I did wasn't right, maybe it was an attempt on my part to drive the wedge in between them and take him away from her. Very selfish and non productive and I'm paying for it. Even now I sit at work grappling with this in my mind, wondering if she's going to call, wondering if it's him she'll call, wondering if she's going to try and see him this weekend, wondering if she's making this all up to throw up another smoke screen so she can continue to see him.<p>All I can tell you is that I'm angry and that I am going to get help with that. I have a lot of flaws, I'm going to work on them. I want to make her see that I am so willing to work through this but I can't. She's blinded by pain, resentment and an infatuation. Maybe it could turn into love for them but I'm having a hard time being sympathetic for her loss. I know it's wrong but I'm not perfect.<p>She says that she feels caged, that everyone around her passes judgement on her. Don't we ALL have to deal with that? Isn't that a consideration in everyone's life? Consequence for action, it's what keeps most people in line. I guess she feels like there should be no consequences for this. She feels like she's not doing wrong. I just don't know where her head is. <p>It's obviously going to be a long day at work today ;(<p>[ January 17, 2002: Message edited by: Seeking_Guidance ]</p>

Seeking...<p>I'm sorry...truly, I am, that you're having to go through this.<p>I didn't mean that your wife and OM weren't in the wrong here...because clearly, they are. There's no disputing that. Of course you have a right, and it's only expected, that you're going to have a hard time with this and sometimes "lose it", as you say.<p>I was thinking back to my own affair, when I was originally trying to figure out where I wanted to be. If your W really has feelings for the OM...in this stage of her reasoning, it boils down to a "competition", if you will. Unless it was truly an exit affair (only she would truly know that) she's probably weighing both of you, trying to look at you side by side to pick the better choice. Yes, it sounds ridiculous that she would even be considering a choice...but right now she probably barely knows which way is up. She is TOTALLY confused, feels very alone, and doesn't know where to turn for an end to this (and once the affair is out, most WS want some kind of ending, one way or another).<p>I remember thinking that I had just better make myself happy with the OM because there's no way my SO would take me back after what I had done. I felt like I wasn't capable of being on my own...I felt totally weak and vulnerable.<p>My SO was honest and up front about his feelings, but never attacked me. He was strong when I was weak...he loved me unconditionally and would do anything to make our relationship work...but more than anything, he wanted me to be happy. Pretty words, right? The jist of it is...he made himself an appealing choice...I truly believed that he still loved me, and that I could be HAPPY with him. My great sense of unhappiness is part of what drove me into my affair...I felt like I had lost control over my relationship and my life, and just desperately wanted to be HAPPY again. Having the affair was an attempt to regain some control.<p>This is what I mean by making yourself appealing...if you really want her back. Did I clarify at all (I hope?). :: I always seem to be putting my foot in my mouth here. I hope I helped you some...but I think I'm about to retire from the advice business [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>One last thing...when she talks about feeling caged and judged...it's not that she feels that she's done no wrong...it's that she feels that she's done a wrong of such great magnitude that she could never make it right. Do you see why it might be hard to find motivation when you're dealing with feelings like that? It's hard to find hope...<p>[ January 17, 2002: Message edited by: TowardsTheFuture ]</p>