My H had an affair 3 years ago with co-worker who was eventually transfered to another division. However over time when I am checking on his honesty I find he has had contact with her. This always turns into an argument and he swears it is strictly business. At one point he made a promise to me that he would not call her at all from his cell phone to avoid the hurt for me. However he is now back to calling her, more and more. She now works only about 15 minutes away from him and the calls are always around noon, etc. He lied about them having a luncheon together last month. Claimed he was so uncomfortable about having to be with her and others for lunch he lied to me about it. I knew it right away I could just smell the lie on him. Well and here I am. To me this is just as much of an issue of his lack of concern about my feelings as it is that I beleive they have developed a new friendship??? I must sound so nieve and codependant.

Dear Drowning in Tears,<p>I think you are right to trust your instincts. I think the issue of feeling naive and codependent is a real one we BS feel toward our WS. I believe that is why Plan A is not meant to last forever. If we work Plan A for a scheduled length of time and still don't see real results from our WS, I believe we are supposed to carefully move on to Plan B. Our WS have to get the hard fact that we will not put up with a continued A, however carefully concealed or skillfully lied about. That said, I myself am a hopeless optimist that my H is behaving himself, even though there are indications that that is not the case. So moving on to Plan B is a huge issue for me, as well. I can, though, see why it is necessary.<p>I don't know if anything I'm saying here is helpful to you, but I do wish you the best.

Thank you as good as it gets. I finally told my H today. I no longer accept the business excuses, especially since less than 1 month ago he was capable of lying to me about their luncheon. I also told him I beleive they have rekindled an old friendship. Which he always said was the one thing he missed most of their A. I asked him what makes him think he has the right to this? I am starting to wonder if some people (Like pathological liers) really beleive the lies they tell. They have their minds convinced. He may justify his mind by telling himself that if they are not having sex then it's ok. To me the emotional violation is just as severe. What are your specifics goals in your Plan B? Thanks for your support.

Drowning In Tears --<p>You're right--the emotional violation IS just as severe [as a physical one]. Often, it's more dangerous because it's "innocent" and "harmless" and insidious; it often takes much longer to overcome for the WS and the marriage.<p>Asgoodasitgets has offered a sound take on this, you are right to trust what you're feeling, and I applaud your stance with H in not accepting his behavior. You are right to question whatever you're uncomfortable about in your relationship. Too many spouses ignore or avoid and watch the issue escalate into real structural damage.<p>What is needed here is restored trust from him to you. An A three years ago has made you wary today, and it sounds as if you have every right to be; his track record, if nothing else, would lead you to these conclusions. But, even without that, the situation has a foul odor even from this distance. <p>BTW, people (spouses) argue when they don't have a leg to stand on, trying to cloud the issue. The presence of disagreement from a BS has no significance and usually no substance = pure, unadulterated nonsense, and in alien-speak! Confrontation by arguing is a common technique used often when one knows one is wrong.<p>I'm very sorry that you find yourself in this unenviable position, but you definitely are not naive about this. In fact, you've pretty much got it all figured out already! Hang in and remember, we're here for you...<p>Ammon

Dear Drowning in Tears,<p>What struck me about your most recent post is that your H claims what he misses most about the A is the friendship with the OW. This, to me, says two things: 1) the affair may not yet have died its natural death and 2) this appears to be an EN for your H that YOU should be meeting. The Harley's talk about waiting for an A to die its natural death, during which time you Plan A like mad. So that your H will return to his senses and have you there. This is where the discussion about not becoming a doormat comes in. IMVHO, I can see that working on Plan A not only helps the marriage to recover, but if not that, it at least helps YOU to become a better person. Again, if your husband is lacking close friendship with you, that is something you should know. I really believe spouses should be best friends!! <p>Regarding your other question, I have no specific goals yet for Plan B. It seems a huge step to take, and one that should be carefully thought out. Our circumstances are such that I need to wait before taking that step (job changes and such), but I am hoping to see positive steps taken by my H in the near future.<p>Again, I hope this helps, and all good wishes to you.

My H came home last night after a previous evening blowout we had, and last night we had a very healthy 3 hour talk. So many things were said that needed to be. Not so much hurtful things and just things that are gradually destroying both of our love banks for one another. I know like any mature person I share a good percentage of blame for our problems. Which I always seem to carry the burden of that blame. But last I was actually able to share my honest frustrations about his controlling behavior and his need to always correct me, both socially and privately. And ironically he is often times wrong but I let it go to avoid continual confrontations. Unfortunately this puts a person into a state of numbness after a while. My H is a very strong self made man as he calls it but I am trying to make him understand that this is not neccessarily how you manage personal relationships, just business. I love his strength but hate his calous. He was truly shocked by this and was almost speechless. I by no means beat him up but I certainly gave him a reality check. I also explained to him very clearly this is not healthy living and if we cannot work through this for myself and my kids I will have to move on. We later sat in front of the TV waiting to hear our winning lottery numbers (we wish) and talked like kids. We then went to bed and made love like we were truly in love. I know he's a good man and we have a beautiful life together, but I have to stand my sanity ground. He ironically told me that he perceived me as weak and emotionally dependant on him. I had to make it clear to him I am no means dependant on him emotionally but rather very frustrated and lacking normal healthy basic emotional needs from him. I am amazed that he finds the need for good communication etc. as being emotionally week.

find a good mb counselor to help you and your h work through the concepts of a good marriage... he should be open to this now... hopefully... I called mb, the number is on the counseling section, and then I found a local counselor who takes my insurance, and everything... and is awesome.. they referred me immediately to 3 in my area... I chose the closet and got very lucky. but you can always us e the harleys too.<p>Hugs, HONEY