There is only friend that knows about the A. The others that have now been informed are shocked at not only the separation but H's certainty regarding his decision. The friend that knows about the A says there must be something more. I told her that the WS psyche is always sure and always angry, right?<p>The other friends that don't know about the A say they are surprised at his certainty and his willingness to give it "all" up.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Terrified:
<strong>There is only friend that knows about the A. The others that have now been informed are shocked at not only the separation but H's certainty regarding his decision. The friend that knows about the A says there must be something more. I told her that the WS psyche is always sure and always angry, right?<p>The other friends that don't know about the A say they are surprised at his certainty and his willingness to give it "all" up.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>It's not unusual. My H was totally sure, and very angry in the beginning. The nicer I was the madder he got initially. He only told one friend of his that we were separating. He lied to that friend and told him there was no OW, he just didnt' want to be married. He also told the friend he was positive and he was not going ot change his mind. But he did.

My exh has his ow in another country. The problems with this distance is that the affair can go on alot longer than maost. You see, they are not together all the time... they email mail, telephone,send cards, presents and see each other maybe 6 times a year for approximately 10 days at a time. I was told that when they're not together they dream of what they could be doing to each other and talking about it. Blah,blah,blah....<p>My h was sure of himself and divorced me .... he is still with her. He didn't tell anyone in the beginning about the affair.... but now its out.<p>s

Hi FD, He only told one friend and you had to tell everyone else? Was the "telling" hard for you? Did you feel loss all over again? Nice to hear from you. Thanks.<p>Hi S, Yes, The fact that the OW is overseas does concern me. Can't bring the fantasy back to earth. Only thing that is keeping my secret faith is the fact that H isn't concerned with going legal YET and that he is still wearing the ring. However, did you apply the MB principles? Did you have any luck? Why did H decide to leave?
Nice to hear from you. Thanks.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Terrified:
<strong>Hi FD, He only told one friend and you had to tell everyone else? Was the "telling" hard for you? Did you feel loss all over again? Nice to hear from you. Thanks.<p> Thanks.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>It's kind of weird but I will explain lol. I told my parents, my in laws & some of my friends that we separated. This was within the first 2 days of him leaving so it was all a blur and a shock. Aside from that one friend of his he never told anyone. His workplace never knew we were separated. He continued to get mail & phone calls here (I just took messages). During the first false recovery I excitedly told all of these people that he was back home. Then he left again a week later. That would have been too upsettign for my parents & in laws so I didn't tell most of them (except my sister, my SIL and her H) that he left again. I didn't want to make it harder for him if he came home again, which I was very hopeful for. I did tell my friends. Keep in mind I wasn't 100% sure about the A until he came home for good and the OW started harassing me. After that came out I told afew of my friends about the A (not all of them) my sister, my SIL and her H. To this day he never asked me who knew or what anyone knew.

Terrie,
I haven't forgotten you completley. As you may have noticed I am having some struggles myself.
I don't have much advice, just mostly wanted you to know that I feel for you & continue to pray you find some peace. I like what the others have been telling you.
I need to get back into my recovery more with S-anon, as I have drifted away form focusing on me & I am back to her! YUKie feelings!!<p>It sounds like your H is in thr fog big time. Like me & my DW, it sounds like you & your H communication is not the best -- he has his ideas & knocks yours down as being unimportant.
Perhaps through no "knowing" fault of our own, our respective marriages have fallen apart, beyond true repair --?? -- You are relatively knew at this game however & I don't think the real truth has come out from your H -- either his true feelings or the extent of his infidelity -- he probabally carries some guilt that he is trying to cover up as well.
Best of Luck!
Love & Prayers,
HH [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]

Update...H met with two close friends last night. He convinced them that he thought out his decision and felt absolutely sure. They managed to have a good time after that. He gave no indication of hope, of uncertainty, etc. <p>He said he tried enough with me. Didn't want to try anymore. Too bad I never knew he was "trying". Too bad I never knew I was being "tested".<p>I'm trembling. Took Paxil.

T,<p>You know how WS psychology goes. Its just hard to accept it ourselves. Of course, he tried and its just not going to work. Thats what they all say. even the one's that come back. It's what works at the time. I wouldn't place a real high value on what your friends tell you to be the truth. They only see what your H wants them to see and that can be very convincing.

Hi Cleo, It's nice to hear from you, especially this morning. I need for someone to validate his actions. His certainty is unnerving. <p>Just keep telling me it's "normal" WS behaviour.<p>Thanks again.

Its normal! and he knows that he can push your buttons.....

<p>[ January 20, 2002: Message edited by: MMMMM ]</p>

It is killing me.

BTW, Can I sue the OW for pain and suffering?

Terrified
So sorry for your pain. My H moved out in Aug. and just moved in with the OW. She bought a houseand moved here from out of state to be with my H...yes we are still married and this is what he is showing my kids....married and living with girlfriend and he would like my two teenage boys to come visit him there. He has spent a total of 3 hrs with them in one whole monthe but now he wants to bring them to his home and be a happy family. Something that we all were ahen we were together. We had a great family.
As for him coming home....I don't know anymore....he doesn't care at all. We can still talk and laugh together....but he goes home to her and I am so alone. I kept thinking and I guess I do sometimes still think that he is in a fog....especially because he forgot he had two boy...he was a great Dad. I just don't know what to think anymore and I wonder if I will always feel this way. I also wonder if I will ever meet someone else to spend some time with....I would love to sue the OW. I think a few yrs back there was a cade were the BS sued the OW and she rec'd a million dollars. Something to think about.....the thing is....it would all turn around to you and what kind of wife you were....they would figure out a way to justify it....my H does a really good job of that.<p>Good luck and hang in there!

you know, there was a case recently where something like that happened!!! It was in the news. maybe somebody can remember the specifics.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by cleopatra:
<strong>T,<p>You know how WS psychology goes. Its just hard to accept it ourselves. Of course, he tried and its just not going to work. Thats what they all say. even the one's that come back. It's what works at the time. I wouldn't place a real high value on what your friends tell you to be the truth. They only see what your H wants them to see and that can be very convincing.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Good post. When I asked my H why he couldn't stay and try he said "I have tried, it's not going to work" I said "How have you tried? You never once told me you were unhappy. Up until the last 2 weeks with your weird behavior I had no clue anything was wrong. When I asked you all you said was that you were stressed at work. How was I supposed to know anything was wrong with us?" His answer "I didn't want you to know. That would have caused problems. The fact that I have been here for the last few months counts as trying to me." Aargh! All par for the course T. Not unusual. Extremely frustrating yes. And my H did eventually come back, happily. I think your H is in an extended anger state because his OW is far away and they are able to keep the fantasy alive longer that way. No day to day, humdrum interaction (I'm talking about seeing each other all the time). I feel for you because I remember it all too well. But just remember, My H told me we would NEVER get back together, he was 100% SURE of his decision and there was NO WAY he was changing his mind. Almost 3 years since we've been back together and going strong. It ain't over till it's over.

Thanks FD. REALLY really need the boost today. Been busy at work but have that sinking feeling in my stomach. The kind when you're on a rollercoaster ride...<p>Sometimes, I just can't believe this is happening. <p>Again, thanks for helping me to get through the difficult moments with your words of encouragement.