Hi everyone,
This is the first time I have ever posted or participated in any type of discussion/forum on line, so please forgive me if I come across as naive.<p>I really need HELP. I am having an affair thats going on 2 yrs. I have been married for 12 years, been together for 17yrs. Our marriage was one of a kind. This just kinda happened for a multitude of reasons, as i am learning.
However, things have gotten out of control and I don't know what to do , or where to turn.
My feelings for my husband are torn, i don't know if i love him, i don't know what to do.<p>He doesn't know whats going on, he thinks i am going thru a multitude of feelings. (some of which are true, the others maybe not so true.
He loves me dearly, and has sat by dealing with me through my moods and selfish behavior, yet, my love bank for him is near empty. I feel bad, but I also don't seem to care enough to treat him right. <p>Bottom line is how do you know whether to stay or go?
Do i want to stay or not?
Do i love him?
Do i love the other?<p>Can anyone offer advice?
Desperately seeking it
[img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]<p>[ January 16, 2002: Message edited by: chiton1 ]</p>

Chiton,<p>If I might offer my two cents... Read some of the strings found here and find out how others are dealing with the choices they have made. It might be very helpful to you. To stay or to go is not something anyone can tell you to do or not. It seems to me that you have to find real reasons to stay and be honest as you are being with yourself right now. What ever you do there will be some most difficult times ahead. If you are a praying person you might ask God to help you walk through what's just ahead. I hope that you would also ask for strength to be honest and real with your H. Then take it one step and one day at a time, one emotional strain and one emotional drain at a time. The really hard thing is not finding where to start it's starting. God be with you.<p>Suddenly Aware

Chiton1,
First let me welcome you. You've come to a good place.<p>I, too, had an affair that my husband doesn't know about. I would like to urge you to end this affair immediately. If you love your husband and yourself, it is the only thing to do. You can't possible give your marriage the help it needs while your affections are torn between two people. How can you ever sort out your feelings for your husband if you are pre-occupied with someone else?<p>I'm sure we all began the affairs for various reasons---revenge in some cases, spite in others, feeling unloved/unwanted---whatever the case, as long as you are married, it is wrong.
<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Bottom line is how do you know whether to stay or go? You won't know until you have given your marriage a chance. If it comes to leaving, you will know.
Do i want to stay or not? Only you can answer but how do you feel about living without him? Alone? Not with the OM.
Do i love him? More soul searching involved here...you loved him enough to marry him once---look at him now and remember why.
Do i love the other? Probably not in the way you love your husband---love is built on many things--a shared history is one of them. For me, the answer is yes...I do love the OM BUT not the way I love my husband. I think perhaps, under different circumstances, I could live with the OM. But I know that based on my love for my husband, I can't live without HIM.
Can anyone offer advice?<hr></blockquote>Tons of it...you have to determine what is gonna work for you. There is lots of great advice on this site. <p>My advice is to end the affair. Try to save your marriage. Love yourself.<p>--------------<p> franklymydear59@yahoo.com

Dear chiton1,<p>I suggest that you read the section on emotional needs at the main Marriage Builders web site. Click on Concepts at the top of the page and look for Emotional Needs. There is a questionnaire for you and your husband (or you alone if he won't) to complete. This questionnaire will help you realize what needs are the most important to you. If your H is not fulfilling these needs, that may be one reason you looked outside your M (the affair). <p>If your husband knows what you need from him and will fulfill those needs, it is possible for your close feelings to return and for your marriage to recover.<p>MB believes that the fulfillment of the most important ENs is what can repair a M. The spouses fulfill each other's needs rather than an affair partner or OP (other person).<p>If you have trouble finding the EN section, let me know, and I will create a link for you.<p>Welcome to MB,
Estes

OMG, <p>What incredible feedback already from those who responded. Thank you! I have read the fine Dr Haley's book on Surviving an Affair. Thank god I found the book!<p>I recognize that you are all right in your replies back to me. Diddallas, you waste no time, you responded back to me question by question. God thank you so much. It's not like I didn't think of those responses myself. I have, over and over again. Believe me, I have put so much thought into what i am doing, it's sickening. (as you know, i am sure).
What I need to do, is stop dancing around and wasting time trying to make a decision as to stay or go. As you said, work on it- give all you can, that is the only way I can determine my true feelings. And I agree and have told myself that a million times.<p>I am a pretty strong individual, and have told OM, and myself, that no decisions will be made unless I feel 100% ok with it. It's the delay of starting that process because of the addition to the OM, that feeds upon itself, and prevents me from wanting to start a bond again with my H.<p>And I know, I flip flop with my feelings, somedays I feel like I can live live without the OM, and some days I feel I can't. I have tried to really think about how it would be without my H. What life would be like, what I would be like, What I would be like, even if I left- I would change just by going thru a divorce. Who would I be, would I be haggard and tired, and not the same person that the OM, even fell in love with.<p>OHH, so many thoughts.
But, I just wanted to thank you.
I like the way you stated things.!<p>-Chiton1