Bump

Carol wasn't being manipulative or playing games. She was doing the 180's to make herself happy and feel more in control of her emotions. I wouldn't call that manipulative. This served her sanity. She was using the www.divorcebusting.com techniques, by Michele Weiner-Davis. The DB techniques ARE very similar to MB, but, they are not exacltly the same.<p>Carol was working on making herself happy and the added bonus was that her H wanted her back.<p>I think her motive was SURVIVAL

Thanx 4 bumping this up 4 me. <p>Ive read testimonies where the WH eventually comes back and praises his wife because she remained faithful and prayful thru it all, even after years of separation (and even WH remarrying, then divorcing again to another). He saw that she persisted to comtinue to love and fight 4 him. I accidentaly did what Carol did a couple of times and got that same response. But should I be true to him and do the fighting openly?<p>AH

Hi all, just checking back in. I don't get over here often (popped back in to copy this thread to post over on divorce busting, which is where I hung out mostly--it is kinda a combo plan a, plan b). Right now I'm busy having a wonderful life with H! Yes things are still going very well...finally the marriage of my dreams. It has been over a year since he woke up, and will be a year in June since he moved back (I made him wait several months to make sure and to cement his love for me so this would never happen again!)<p>Anyway, just wanted to give a little encouragement to those of you with hardly any hope. When my H left he had a deep hatred for me and wanted a divorce. It took 1 1/2 yrs, but he finally woke up. I spent the separation time working on myself, but to tell you the truth, I was totally miserable without my H. And funny thing is, I don't know why, because we hadn't had a good marriage for about 15 years. It had been around 7 years since we told each other we loved each other.<p>We both had faults, but I would have stuck it out married to him. He was the one who left (had found young EA).<p>Now we have a good marriage and we spend time together and I feel like we are finally a team instead of both of us pulling in opposite directions. I am doing my part in showing my love for him and making him feel appreciated. He says I am filling up his love bank, LOL (and he is sure filling up mine too!)<p>Carol

Here is more on 180: I got this off http://www.divorcebusting.com. I hope
this helps. DivorceBusting suggests doing a 180.
1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or
implore!
2. No frequent phone calls
3. Do not point out good points in marriage
4. Do not follow him around the house
5. Do not encourage talk about the future
6. Do not ask for help from family members
7. Do not ask for reassurances
8. Do not buy gifts
9. Do not schedule dates together
10. Do not spy on spouse
11. Do not say "I Love You"
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get
busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends,
etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start
the conversation) be scarce or short on words
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his
whereabouts, ASK NOTHING
17. You need to make your partner think that you have
had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you
are going to move on with your life, with or without
your spouse
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull
back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more
important, realize what he will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show
your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him
someone he would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on
hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which
may be a while)
21. Never lose your cool
22. Don't be overly enthusiiastic
23. Do not argue about how he feels (it only makes
their feelings stronger)
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really
saying to you
26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you
want to speak out
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh &
focus on all the other parts of your life that are not
in turmoil)
28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest
CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any
words you can say or write
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you
are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with
your spouse
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than
50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in
absolute negatives because he is hurting and scared
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad
you feel
34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.

CarolH, WHo is the COach? Can you give a referral?<p>Honey

BUMP

Honey, sorry I don't believe the coach is taking on new clients at this time. He is very busy writing a book.<p>I would recommend reading Divorce Busting and Divorce Remedy and implementing some of the strategies there. That is what I did for a long time (and lived at their site). I also counselled with Michele W-D, who said everything was on my H's timetable. I got tired of that and decided I wanted out of the limbo...it had been 1 1/2 yrs. I basically Planned A'd for 1 1/2 yrs, and then it was time for Plan B. But we had a really strange separation from the start. H told me later he knew what he was doing was wrong, but just wanted some happiness for himself (we had a bad marriage, and he didn't think it could be fixed and had grown to hate me and be filled with anger).<p>Carol

Please be aware that the "coach" that Carol hired had not training and was not able to save his own marriage. There have been a lot of horror stories about him over on the Divorce Busting Site. Please
read Michele Weiner-Davis's warning about him!

This one hasn't been bumped up in a long time... some of the newer folks may not have seen this...

Carol, that was really smart..how did you do it!! I mean, I thought of trying that, but I ended up breaking down before I can get it started...

Tatchina, you asked how I did it. Well I was at the end of my rope, and I was ready to go for broke. I was SOOOOO tired of the limbo.

Essentially H was now my lover/boyfriend, BUT I didn't even feel comfortable CALLING him. I wanted that interaction you have with a "genuine" boyfriend like we had when we were first going together (you know, him over every nite, calling all the time, being a couple, etc, etc). What was the sense of having a boyfriend who I slept with, spent occasional weekends with me whenever he got the urge, and not having the other perks? I was just plain tired of it after 1 1/2 yrs.

I had put in the time reinstituting our friendship and intimacy (not just the physical kind, but the sharing personal feelings, etc. kind). I didn't feel like EA was giving him the same intimacy (she wasn't as I found out later...my H really did a "tell all" about their relationship and I cannot understand how he would let himself be "taken" so long...she was in it for the money basically).

So I decided, it was sink or swim time, and if this didn't wake him up, I was forgetting him and going on alone. I had spent 1 1/2 yrs obsessing over him and his EA, etc (he didn't know this of course) and I was tired of it.

I JUST MADE MYSELF DO IT. It was NOT easy let me tell you. But I did it, and I took the advice I was given even tho it did sound a bit off (but wasn't) and it worked.

I get kinda tired of giving advice to people (I do it all the time over on the divorce busting board) and them saying, well I don't think I can do that, I can't help myself when I beg, cry, plead, chase my estranged H. I wish people would get a backbone. If you are going to succeed you have to go out on a limb and make yourself do it. You cannot be all wimpy about it. (OK now I will get off my soapbox).

BTW, H has been back over a yr now and we are doing so great. We are doing things together and he is still respectful and considerate of me. After nearly 22 yrs, I have the marriage I always dreamed about. We just bought a new popup camper with all the bells and whistles (frig, A/C, furnace, hot water heater, shower/toilet) and we are having fun going out on weekends in that and spending MORE time together! I have read that camping is great for a marriage and I have to agree! (so now I am spending time on the popup times bb, LOL).

Carol

Bump for those who need the inspiration.

Up you go!

^^^^^^

I am so glad this got bumped. It is the best ever. I really needed to read this.

Thanks

Bump this is really good

Bump for Terrified

Bump once again.

jd

^^bump for can't sleep^^