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After returning home from work yesterday, my wife continued to make her remark. I didn&#8217;t expect it at all. I guess she NEEDED to get it out of her chest. So I listened. <p>The first thing she said, &#8220;where are those papers?&#8221; I said, &#8220;what papers?&#8221; Then she said, &#8220;the ones that you were going to bring for me to sign&#8221;. At that moment my head went spinning and I said to myself what she was talking about. She then said, &#8220;so you think that I&#8217;m going to take the kids&#8217; money?&#8221; Right there I just realized that I forgot to mention to her about the kids&#8217; Certificate of Deposit (CD) that I opened on Saturday. I told her on Friday that I was going to open the new CD for the kids and I would bring the CD paper for her to sign. It turned out that just one custodian name was enough. I ensured her that I have no intention to exclude her by any mean. Since the affair my wife opened the new account with her name only and set aside some of the money to that account because she wanted to separate the money. But for me, I still keep her name to all of my (our) accounts. Maybe that&#8217;s not a good idea, huh! <p>Well, enough about the paper. No, not yet. I have not been served yet nor has she. But here is the part where I didn&#8217;t expect it would turn this way.<p>My wife continued to talk and talk and talk about how she didn&#8217;t like the way I&#8217;ve acted since weekends. Because of the job hunting conversation that I have with her, the way she responded ticked me off and upset me. So I didn&#8217;t have any smiling on my face at all and I was just in and out of the house to go places over the weekends without telling her (I told the kids where I was going though). Adding my silence on top of these, I guess it scared my wife. <p>So she mumbled, &#8220;I guess you ran out of patience&#8221; out loud for me to hear her. At the same time I also brought up the talk about us, the separate bedroom, the counseling, and on and on. She finally said that she still didn&#8217;t want to waste any money with the counselor, so she proposed that we set a schedule everyday to talk to each other and to get to know each other better and once a week or so go out of the house without the kids for hour or so to be with each other.<p>She also mentioned that she has been trying very hard to get close to me physically but her feeling has not come back yet. She knows how I feel about it and most of the time compromise with her. She knows that she always tries to get her way and it has been since childhood. That&#8217;s something she knows she HAS to work on and sees my view. She knows that I always compromised in the past and she got spoiled by it and she has been thinking about this life event ever since she ended her affair.<p>Here is the killing part. She said that if I really want to, maybe for a start, it is OK for me to come and sleep in the same bed with her on Friday and Saturday nights (starting this Friday), but she doesn&#8217;t see it as a big deal. What do you think?<p>Thank you for reading this.

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Sleeping thing could be<p>1. fake it till you make it
2. I'm not into it but maybe this will appease him for the time being.<p>JMHO,
HI

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Wow, what a shock.<p>She brought it up, she suggested some plans. Follow through<p>you now maybe entering the hardest part of recovery, actually working on your marraige with your W<p>good luck & you know what you need to do, nag, nag

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<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Here is the killing part. She said that if I really want to, maybe for a start, it is OK for me to come and sleep in the same bed with her on Friday and Saturday nights (starting this Friday), but she doesn’t see it as a big deal. What do you think?<p><hr></blockquote>
Well I think it's a big deal. If it's what you want OOOO I'm thrilled for you. <p>Uh-oh though, another one of those WS's that thinks they have to wait till the "feelings" come back. Sounds like she's beginning to see through this and is ready, as HighInfidellity said, to "fake it till she makes it". I think this is a very good sign and based on what you've said, I'll bet those feelings will come back pretty quickly. I sure hope so OOOO - but to me it sounds very promising. <p>good luck
David

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oooo,<p>"fake it until you make it" is another way of saying "forming new habits". That's what learning to meet our spouses ENs are about. At first, it feels strange, after we repeat the behavior enough it becomes second nature.
Enjoy the sleepover!

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WHOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAA!<p>I hope HI is wrong about the appeasement thing - could be a tenuous "fake it till you make it" thing though.<p>So maybe you inadvertantly scared her? Knocked her off top dead center? Upset the status quo?<p>You are a smart guy, Jack (remember that failed attempt at a nickname? [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] ). You know what to do. PTC. You are slooooooooooly getting to where you want to be, I think.<p>Dave

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Thank you all for your response.<p>Hi Infidelity,
You may be right it could be any of these two things. Yep, &#8220;fake it till you make it&#8221;, but to me even doing so is a good sign. Based on how she felt so far, I think she was being honest and sincere about her feeling. She did mention that she has been trying, but her feeling toward has not come back yet and she didn&#8217;t want to fake it this time.<p>sing,
I think I have no choice for now, but to follow through with her unless I don&#8217;t want our marriage any more. I know I have a mountain ahead of me, but the idea of leaving me or divorcing me was out of the question. I think she is now afraid that I might leave her because of her remark that she said about me running out of patience or have no more patience left. I will wait and see where we are a few months from now. I was even thinking about proposing to her to &#8220;re-marry&#8221; me on our 16th anniversary coming up in four months. This time I will kneel down as a &#8220;real&#8221; gentleman when I propose to her (something I didn&#8217;t do when I proposed to her to marry me and she resented it very much). Of course that was then and I didn&#8217;t know that it was so important to her.<p>Davidb,
Well, I really want to have a real marriage where we really love each other and are happy to be with each other and do not take each other for granted.<p>I hope that her feeling is coming back soon and for real and she knows that. We will see.<p>cleopatra,
I hope you are right that it becomes second nature. Believe it or not, I am nervous about being in the same bed with her. After 11 years, it is almost like I&#8217;m starting all over again. I hope I can sleep through the night with her. I couldn&#8217;t believe I say this, but I think I might not feel comfortable to be next to her at all. I guess I might have to &#8220;fake it until I make it&#8221;, too. I know there will not be any physical between us for many months (maybe years) to come.<p>worthatry,
I would say WWWWHOOOOOOOOAAAAAAA myself too, but I don&#8217;t want to be too excited. Somehow I think my action scared her a little. I don&#8217;t know how much of what she said she was going to do would be, but I guess I have to give it a chance for now.<p>Now, about being a smart guy, I don&#8217;t know about that. More like a stubborn, I guess. Yep, I remember about Jack (offon onoff). I still laughed about it now and then. Hey! It has been two years. Maybe I still can be Jack. Maybe I&#8217;m jack (without on and off) [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] .

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WOW!
Well, at least you don't have to have any more anxiety about reclaiming your spot in the bed, ey?! What a blessing! Hmmm... somebody Up There is looking out for you!!! I think it is awesome!<p>I'm glad you are not being taken for granted. I'm the one who thought that on your other thread because you said she kicked you out of the bed 11 years ago. [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] <p>One little bitty minor thing tho, I think you should go ahead and announce that you will be sleeping in your own bed every night from now on since she can sleep in whenever... But I know, I know, you don't want to push it... Still, I wouldn't think it was pushing after all these years of submitting to her wishes. Plus you have sort of an advantage since she was scared... Right?

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BINthereDUNthat,
I hope that someone up there is &#8220;really&#8221; looking out for me. The question is can I make it through the night. I could be freaking out when I see her face in the dark. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] I&#8217;m sorry I shouldn&#8217;t be making joke about it. My wife is beautiful, especially while she is asleep. <p>Well, I have been taken for granted all right, but I deserve to receive sometimes, I think. Yes, my wife did kick me out of the bed 11 years ago. And it has been like that ever since until today.<p>I&#8217;m not so sure about announcing or reclaiming my bed for every night yet. That might make my wife feel like I invade her space. She might be scared right now, but who knows when she gets a job.

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A short (though meaningful) husband/wife prayer before bed...
...could make all the difference in a well deserved peaceful night's sleep.<p>Jim/NSR

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I've followed your situation for a long time, as you probably know, and from what I know, I see this as yet another good sign. Yes, it is taking a long, long time for this to get better. But slowly, it seems to be working in your favor.<p>I say go for it, and accept her invitation. There have been gradual signs of hope, and your patience is amazing. Doesn't seem like now is the time to not take advantage of another sign of hope.<p>I wish you the best.

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OOOO,<p>I liked the prayer idea from NSR. You are an amazing man OOOO. It appears that it is finally occuring to your W that you may indeed by running out of patience with her. I think it is a good sign about the sleeping arrangements.<p>I would recommend in the spirit of marriage building that you tell her about your nervousness and you excitement about this new change. You realize that she is still controlling the situation, but perhaps this is her way of testing the waters and letting you join the marriage as a full fledged member.<p>I wish you the best my man.<p>God Bless,<p>JL

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I think it is a good thing, and I agree with jl comments. Just go easy, it gives you all sorts of opportunities to "connect", no need to rush to 7 days.... don't know anything about your physical issues per se, but if you want to start something there, start with the toes, one foot, one toe, find her foot and just leave it lightly touching, nothing else, no conversation, just a kind of random event and your toe kinda gets stuck there...ya know?

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NSR,
Thank you for your advice. I hope we will be doing a husband/wife prayer more than before in the near future. I still keep my prayer before I go to bed every night.<p>BTW, thank you for your update and I sorry to hear about your stepson. <p>My thoughts and prayer are with you.<p>Rick37,
Thank you very much for keeping up with my situation. I do hope so. I hope this is another good sign. I know I have been patient so far with her and hope that it continues that way. It is running thin though, but I will try my best to hang in there. <p>Just Learning,
Thank you for your advice. Yes, I hope my wife would want to keep the prayer with me before we go to bed. I know she keeps a short prayer before she goes to bed at night. <p>&#8220;Amazing man&#8221; that amazed me as well. Thank you for the compliment. I just try to do my best under the circumstances. I know I have lots of options to look the other way, but somehow I still keep trying and fighting to save my marriage. <p>I did tell my wife about how nervous I am about this new change during our conversation. I know that she is still in control and has tried her best to keep it that way. She admitted that it was not a good thing to do and wanted to change and meet me halfway. She said it might take her a long time to change, but so far she saw progress within her. The good sign that I have seen so far was after our conversation, we both felt much better about it. Our conversation seemed to be somewhat pleasant even though we still have more to resolve or work on it. <p>She knows our ideas are not the same and I know her ideas are somewhat different than the norm, but more and more she seems to understand me better than before. We will see where we go from here. It is the beginning of the long journey ahead of us, especially me. This break through of sleeping arrangements was a milestone for me. That&#8217;s amazing, don&#8217;t you think? I know lots of people might not feel that way, because sleeping in the same bed as husband and wife is a given, in my opinion.<p>sad_n_lonely,
Thank you for your insight. Sad and Lonely could have been my name also. At one time I did change my screen name to Lonely At Night, but it was so sad to read that name.<p>I agree with you that I should go easy with it for now. My wife did mention to me that the way I was going was too fast for her and she was not ready for that yet (too fast?). <p>SNL, that&#8217;s a good idea about starting with a toe, but that might not happen anytime soon. Maybe in a month or so, I might try THAT.

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Jack - one more thought: be sure to take a shower and brush your teeth. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Dave

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Hey it is FRIDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Funny WAT! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p> [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] I don't know... Maybe I'm missing something here, but... Frankly, I find it appalling that you have to get your wife's permission to sleep in bed together again...<p>Call me clueless cuz I'll never get it, not in a million years...I don't care how you explain it. [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Oh well, at least her gracious invitation has saved you the discomfort of nudging your own way back in there. HOW RUDE would that be? *sigh*

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Dave, I know my wife very well about being &#8220;clean&#8221;. It will definitely be in her mind. Fortunately, I do take shower twice daily (more during summer time if I work on my yard) and brush my teeth at least three times a day (morning, after lunch, and before I go to bed). Am I &#8220;clean freak&#8221; myself or what?<p>Well, tonight is the night that I will be sleeping next to my wife all night for the first time in 11 years. I hope I do wake up in the same spot that I go in.

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Remember the camping trip?
Maybe you could pop a tent in the bedroom for the rest of the week and sleep in there with her.
[img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]


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