I posted this in recovery but thought I would share it here too since there are so many people that I want to make sure my thanks get to. There is also a long discussion there prompted by questions by another poster about things learned along the way if any of you want to check it out.
posted January 16, 2002
two years ago today my H held me in his arms and dropped the bombshell that obliterated life as I knew it. That may seem like an overstatement, but it's not. There were no pieces to pick up,
there was nothing. I was sent sailing into a darkness that I had never known was possible to experience, I fell into a void that seemed to have no end, no escape. And when I hit bottom I lay there battered and broken not knowing exactly what to do next. I could not eat, I could not sleep, I could not function. But somewhere along the way a
little voice spoke to me and told me that I had to get a grip, there were people depending on me and I had to survive if only for them.<p>So I saw my doctor and got treated for depression. I told a few close friends what was happening so I would have some support. I found us a counselor. I began taking an active part in our church. With the knowledge that my marriage could be over I began taking care of me. I read everything and anything I could get my hands on about affairs
and relationships. One of the best being Relationship Rescue. Also a sight on the internet by Bill Fergusen - whose best lesson was that no matter what happens you have to trust yourself and know that you CAN survive it. And I learned and grew because of it. <p>The lessons I faced were not easy ones...admitting where you have been wrong is not an easy thing to do. Learning about fear and selfishness and manipulation did not bring a smile to my face. But it did bring the knowledge of past behaviors and how to escape the patterns that had ruled my life for so long. And I shared all of this with my H, not knowing if it would make a difference or if he was even listening.<p>He was. He ended the A and moved to a different office. I realized later that the actions he had taken were ones that I had shared with him from things that I had read. Not anything specific, just bits and pieces of information. I knew that any action on his part had to be just that. I could not force him to make decisions. They were things that he had to experience and decide for himself. <p>So two years later where are we? Things are not the same. They can't be. I have changed and so has he. I have grown and branched out and he has chosen to retreat into his own safe little world of no expectations, no communication...detachment from anything of an emotional nature. And still chooses to blame me for anything and everything that happened in our relationship over the last 20 years. He gave his all and I gave him nothing in return. I guess he is intitled to his opinion. and in some cases he is correct. He just chooses to forget the rest.<p>If nothing else, the A opened my eyes to who he really is. And I am wrestling with that,and if I want to spend the best years of my life (and I really think that they will be)with someone who prefers his own company to mine and who has no emotional attachment other than 'caring' for me.<p>Don't get me wrong, there have been good things too. We spend a lot of time together,share in the decision making, parenting and household stuff. We have been on some really great trips and have had wonderful holidays with the extended family. And I have found a peace within myself that I never had before that has come from getting to know myself and not being afraid to let ME out. <p>I know that our relationship is still evolving and will probably continue to change over time. And I am not throwing in the towel just yet. I know that it can take a long time to really get back that intimate connection. But it takes giving from two people, not just one to make it work.<p>Yes our future is uncertain, but in reality it is anyway. Knowing that, I intend to live each day to its fullest and continue to love and share with my H until I feel I can no longer do it. That is the only thing I am able to do at this point. <p>Well probaly not what you want to hear after two years, but sometimes you have to be realistic. I can't say that our marriage is wonderful and we have reconnected etc. Being the type of people we are I think it took us a little longer than most to get over it and move on. So we are moving by inches instead of feet...but we are moving; I am just not sure what direction sometimes. <p>But one thing I do have is hope and a whole lot of prayer. So I know that I am not entirely alone on this jouney.<p>Well that is my update...if there is anything more specific anyone would like to know don't hesitate to ask. I know that there is a lot more detail that I could add; but just wanted to give you all the brief version for now, and thank everyone who has given me such wonderful support and words of wisdom over the last couple of years.<p> THANK YOU ALL! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]
