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Last night was my 'turn' to have the kids. The RO says I can have them every Wednesday for 4 hours and every other weekend. W sure is nice to 'allow' me so much time with my own kids (sarcasm intended).<p>I was fine until I got to the house and realized I had to ring the doorbell and announce that I was there. That hurt big time, I have to ring my own doorbell and wait on my own porch just to be 'allowed' into my own home. Yes, the place which I have worked so hard for to make a home for W and the kids, and I am not even allowed to walk in the front door, heck, I'm not even supposed to be in the place without violating the RO.<p>W was there, we talked briefly about where I was going with the kids, but I found that I could not even look at W, I could not make eye contact with her becaue I was hurting so bad. She is my W and it hurts to even look at her? What is wrong with me? I'm not sure what hurts more, DDay #1, DDay #2, or the #@$% RO! I've asked her quite a few times to give me the SAA and Love Must Be Tough books so I can finish them, to give me something to do, but she keeps 'forgetting'. It feels like she just keeps kicking me in the cajoles and just doesn't care.<p>I'm OK this morning, I'll get through this and be fine, I ain't letting this get the best of me. Still, I'm feeling really down about all of this. W has basically taken away from me everything that I held sacred and all she can say is 'sorry' The only sorry thing about this is W's behavior. 'Sorry', that was just a vent there.<p>Thanx for listening.
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Joined: Jun 2001
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{{{loveherstill}}} I'm so sorry. I cannot imagine not being able to see my own kids. I'm so very sorry for all the losses this mess has created for you. I am also the BS, but my H would never want to care for our children full-time. Anyway, I don't have any advice, just wanted you to know how very sorry I am. I'll pray that your W will see what she's doing to you and ask God to open her heart where your children are concerned. Take care,<p>MOM
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Joined: Jul 2001
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Any progress on invalidating this ridiculous RO?<p>I feel so bad for you. This is just so wrong and so unfair. I wish your WS would see it.
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lhs,<p>Hey buddy, I feel for you. <p>who
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loveherstill --<p>Your words are sad and I can identify with them so strongly. They're steeped in misery and hurt as are you, and I'm very sorry that we both are in this very similar situation.<p>I had responded to your post back on 2 Jan ("Should the BS ever move out") but then somehow lost your thread and wasn't able to keep up on what was going on for you. I have to assume freom reading today's post that you did in fact move out. You may recall that I too followed that path and I've been away from my home for two months now. The hardest parts of my returns home are exactly what you're related: ringing the doorbell to be admitted to my own home (on which I continue to pay the mortgage!) and so forth. There isn't any RO in my case, but I feel that it's important to observe certain unstated rules since I don't live there anymore. <p>The hardest part is missing the daily contact in my daughters' lives--watching them grow up and being an active participant in their activities. Now everything is stilted and artificial and abnormal and terribly wrong. <p>You're allowed to "feel down about all of this" and it's important for you to let yourself grieve through this mess and go with it. Grieving is a vital step in your healing and needs to be gone through--it's a process with its own schedule. Give yourself some room here to be exactly where you are with it right now. You can't rush it or force it.<p>I like your statement: "I'll get through this and be fine, I ain't letting this get the best of me." It shows strength and determination and excellent perspective. It's also the healthy and smart way to think about things. Lots of pain is a given here, but with words like those, you're gonna be just fine.<p>I'm thinking about you and wish you the very best and quickest recovery and healing possible. Post again and keep us informed. My thoughts and prayers to you...<p>Ammon
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Joined: Nov 2001
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lhs,<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>I can have them every Wednesday for 4 hours and every other weekend. W sure is nice to 'allow' me so much time with my own kids <hr></blockquote> This is actually a pretty standard visitation schedule---somebody thinks it's the best solution to a bad situation for the kiddies.<p>I know it's gotta be hard on you but I must say I'm proud of you. My x never sees our daughter more than his every other weekend and then he usually finds somewhere to dump her so he can go chase his married girlfriend. When he takes vacation, he never calls d to see if she wants to see him. But then he calls to whine that he never gets to see her. Go figure.<p>Hang in there. Our sloppy, soggy shoulders are all yours. {{{hugs}}}
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Lex- Yes, I have a court hearing a week from Monday. Can you believe that? I have to go to court so I can see my own kids without having to worry about the legal issues involved with it. I just don't know anymore, somedays I really have to wonder about all of this and what the best path to take is.<p>Yes, I admit the M has had some serious problems and I know I have made some really bad mistakes in the past. But, we made it through 13 years and four kids, so that has to account for something, doesn't it? Even after DDay #1, I told W flat out that I didn't want the M to end and was willing to work as hard as I had to to restore the M and make it better than before. I was not going to let the M fall apart without a fight. We sure could have restored the M a lot easier if all the other crap hadn't happened.<p>For three months I tried my hardest to Plan A and make myself a comfortable person for W to be with. It was hard, especially with W going out to bars and partying all the time with BF (I'm sure with OM as well). But, I put up with it and tried not to make any big LB's even though W was out of control and acting like a complete idiot. I just let her go knowing that I couldn't do anything about it.<p>But then DDay #2 hit, it felt like my heart had been ripped out and thrown on the floor. But, I still wasn't ready to give up, just really disappointed that W was still seeing OM and wasn't giving our M the respect it deserves. Then she hits me with the RO and the unbelievable charges, that was almost more than I could handle. I guess the one thing that keeps me from giving up completely is knowing that W is not the same person who I fell in love with, married and committed myself to for all these years. Hopefully that person will return someday.<p>Everything is turned upside down now. Right now I really don't think too much about my relationship with W, that's been put on hold until she can figure out whatever it is she is trying to figure out. I am just so worried about the kids, my daily contact with them is gone. I no longer see them everyday after work, eat dinner with them, help them with homework, watch tv with them, play with them, or even yell at them to go to sleep because it's a school night. All the little things that meant so much are gone. S keeps asking me when am I going to come home and play with him, how do you answer that? How can I have a real relationship with them anymore? I went from being a father to some visitor who they see at the most once a week. I know kids are tough and can survive these kinds of things, but why should they have to be put in this situation at all?<p>It amazes me how much pain W can inflict on so many people. Me, her, the kids, OM and his family (yes, I know he has something to do with that), both sides of our families. One person, one selfish act and so many people who have to pay the price. I really hope it was worth it, that the 'soulmate' and happiness she found in this clown is worth all the suffering that the rest of us have to endure.<p>Guess I went on a little longer than I had planned, thanks for letting me get this out here.
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Joined: Nov 2001
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Loverherstill - I know exactly what you are feeling. I am at the point now where the WW has found an apt and will be moving out soon. We have 3 kids (9,7,4). We have not yet discussed how we will share them. I intend to eat dinner with them, help with homework, etc. WW is not going to take them away like that.<p>I haven't seen your whole story. Why did you move out?<p>I feel the same way as your last paragraph. WS decides she isn't happy and screws up everyone else's life. <p>Please know you are not alone. Unfortunately, there are many of us here with the same story. I never would have believed it if I didn't find this site. It just blows my mind how you can marry someone, say your vows in front of God, friends and family and then decide you're not happy - don't talk about it with the one person who loves you and then cheat on them, etc.<p>Just be there for your kids and your own sanity. That's what I am trying to do.<p>DD
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Joined: Jan 2002
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lhs and DD<p>Ditto, we are all in the same boat, you'll find yourself getting lonely when she's out. I miss the affection, hugging cuddling, holding hands more than the sex. Stay busy with the kids we have a parenting plan that I could share with you. If there was a way to do an attachment. It's been working for us with each of us having the boys 1 week on 1 wk off with a visit w/ o parent each week. Dazzle her with your attention and care for the kids. My wife actually told me that I'm an awesome dad but suck as a husband. I don't know the 2 could be so mutually exclusive. hang in there, find some good friends to lean on and keep busy! Hell, I wish it was still hunting season!
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lhs,<p>My thoughts and Prayers are with you.<p>God bless.
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