I have had a good week or so. I'm letting go, finally. I know this is a Marriage Builders site, but when it's over; it's over. I have been gearing up to move out on February 2. I've been spending a lot of time with friends. I've been doing Plan A; finally for me. It's making this whole new life seem not so scary. Am I nervous? You bet. But, I have excitement as well. The last 2 months have been really hard with my H "in love" with OW and me knowing it's almost over for us. He's not liking some of the detaching I'm doing; for example, last night, he was complaining about having to pick kids up. I said "well, in a couple of weeks, you won't have to do that anymore." He said "I'll still be around to help with that." I said "yes, but I won't be calling you for help because who knows where you'll be in the evenings." He said "do you think I'm going to be out every night?" I said (very calmly) "I don't know, and I don't care." He said "you really don't care?" I said "no; I'm detaching; I'm trying to disconnect from you emotionally; it's what you've wanted me to do for a very long time." He seemed really bummed the rest of the night.<p>Now, I am not intentionally trying to hurt him. It is, however, very uplifting to say what's on my mind (without LB'ing). I don't think my H really realizes yet what a D and moving to separate residences really means. I mean I think he's wants his independence, yet wants me there, waiting for him forever. I'm just not in that place anymore.....<p>I can be alone. But I don't HAVE to be if I don't CHOOSE to be.....<p>Growing, learning, walking closer with God. That's what's making it all seem better.<p>Thanks for listening to my little ramble. [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>PEACE,<p>MOM

[img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] very good MoM. I think you are right, and thanks for sharing. I know how you feel. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] I'm in a very similar place right now, and it feels good to feel strong, independent and ready to move on.<p>{{{{{MOM}}}}}}

YIKES...I guess you are not hoping to save your marriage at all, huh?<p>I think it is great that you are feeling better...but, it's not a surprise to me that he was bummed out. Are you trying to tell him that you do NOT love him anymore? Will you really NOT care? I think that it will take a while before you break the pattern of wondering what he is doing. And, if you do still love him, it will be natural to wonder if he runs to OW every night.<p>I wonder if you could have said "I don't know, but I DO know that I won't be able to control anything you do, you will have the feedom from responsibilities to do as you wish, so there is no need in my worrying about it." <p>Have you given up the Plan A and hoping that you have some last minute revelation by him? Are you 100% positive on the divorce now?

Faith1 - Glad things are getting better for you now.<p>Susan,<p>I guess I'm 99.9% sure about getting the D now. Of course, there's always that very slight, remote possibility that somewhere down the road things might work out. I've talked to him previously the way you suggested. I think I'm closing down for my own protection. It's been almost 1 year since my H gave me the "I love you, but I'm not IN love with you" speech. He's been brutally honest about what's happened in the last year. Truthfully, I think he really wished I would have divorced him in May at the time of the first D-day. He's been emotionally "divorced" from me for over a year now. He's been the one to always go back to OW. He never made it more than a week without going back to her. He's convinced himself at this time that she's the one. He's even told our children that he's deeply in love with her; that he and I will never work; and that he wants to move on and explore a "true" relationship with her. I'm moving on for me and the kids. I'm disconnecting while we're still together, because I need to right now.

MOM,<p>I understand how you feel. I moved out about 3 months ago and have VERY SLOWLY come to the same place. It's feels pretty peacefull huh? Anyways, just wanted to give you a little support. I almost feel guilty because I've been pretty happy the past couple weeks. Is that sick or what?<p>This is something that I received from a friend that kinda describes this feeling. Maybe you can relate:<p>
Warning - long but worth it.<p>
"A time comes in your life when you finally get it... when, in the midst of all your fears and insanity, you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out - ENOUGH! Enough fighting and crying or struggling to hold on. And, like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum, your sobs begin to subside, you shudder once or twice, you blink back your tears and begin to look at the world through new eyes. This is your awakening . <p>You realize it's time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change... or for happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon. You come to terms with the fact that neither of you is Prince Charming or Cinderella and that in the real world there aren't always fairy tale endings (or beginnings for that matter) and that any guarantee of "happily ever after" must begin with you... and in the process a sense of serenity is born of acceptance. <p>You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are ... and that's OK. They are entitled to their own views and opinions. And you learn the importance of loving and championing yourself... and in the process a sense of new found confidence is born of self-approval. <p>You stop complaining and blaming other people for the things they did to you (or didn't do for you) and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is impermanence and unexpected . You learn that people don't always say what they mean or mean what they say and that not everyone will always be there for you and that it's not always about you. So, you learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself... and in the process a sense of safety and security is born of self- reliance. <p>You stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin to accept people as they are and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties.... and in the process a sense of peace and contentment is born of FORGIVENESS. <p>You realize that much of the way you view yourself, and the world around you, is as a result of all the messages and opinions that have been ingrained into your psyche. And you begin to sift through all the junk you've been fed about how you should behave, how you should look, how much you should weigh, what you should wear, what you should do for a living, how much money you should make, what you should drive, how and where you should live, who you should marry, the importance of having and raising children, and what you owe your parents, family, and friends.
You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. And you begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you really stand for. You learn the difference between wanting and needing and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you've outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with and in the process you learn to go with your instincts. <p>You learn that it is truly in giving that we receive. And that there is power and glory in creating and contributing and you stop maneuvering through life merely as a "consumer" looking for your next fix. You learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a bygone era but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life. <p>You learn that you don't know everything, it's not your job to save the world and that you can't teach a pig to sing. You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO. You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that martyrs get burned at the stake. Then you learn about love. How to love, how much to give in love, when to stop giving and when to walk away.<p>You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be. You stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes. And you learn that alone does not mean lonely. You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over and ignoring your needs. You learn that feelings of entitlement are perfectly OK.... and that it is your right to want things and to ask for the things you want... and that sometimes it is necessary to make demands. <p>You come to the realization that you deserve to be treated with love, kindness, sensitivity and respect and you won't settle for less. And you learn that your body really is your temple. And you begin to care for it and treat it with respect. You begin to eat a balanced diet, drink more water, and take more time to exercise. You learn that being tired fuels doubt, fear, and uncertainty and so you take more time to rest. And, just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul. So you take more time to laugh and to play. <p>You learn that, for the most part, you get in life what you believe you deserve... and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy. You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for and that wishing for something to happen is different from working toward making it happen. <p>More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success you need direction, discipline and perseverance. You also learn that no one can do it all alone...and that it's OK to risk asking for help. You learn the only thing you must truly fear is the greatest robber baron of all: FEAR itself. You learn to step right into and through your fears because you know that whatever happens you can handle it and to give in to fear is to give away the right to live life on your own terms. And you learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom. <p>You learn that life isn't always fair, you don't always get what you think you deserve and that sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people. On these occasions you learn not to personalize things. You learn that God isn't punishing you or failing to answer your prayers. It's just life happening. And you learn to deal with evil in its most primal state-the ego.
You learn that negative feelings such as anger, envy and resentment must be understood and redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you. You learn to admit when you are wrong and to build bridges instead of walls. You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about: a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower. Slowly, you begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself , and you make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never, ever settle for less than your heart's desire .<p>And you hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind. And you make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting, and to stay open to every wonderful possibility.
Finally, with courage in your heart and God by your side you take a stand, you take a deep breath, and you begin to design the life you want to live as best you can..."<p>
Best wishes,<p>
who

MOM, this is excellent news. You sound so much stronger!! I still stand by my advice in the past. You are getting there, finally. I am so proud of you!!!<p>You will heal, you will survive, and (as always) I pray he realizes his mistakes before it is too late.<p>You are in a good place - stay there, keep up the plan A for yourself!!!<p>MOM, were you going to plan B once you seperate? I think you need that. But, for right now, while you are still in the same house, I think you are doing a kick-[censored] job making the best of it! <p>HbH<p>[ January 17, 2002: Message edited by: hurtbyhubby ]</p>

wowwwww. thanks who!! That's great! I printed that one. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

dear who,
Thank you so much. It was long, but WELL worth the read.<p>HBH,
Thanks also for your support. I wanted to tell you that Susan knows me and my situation VERY well. Her and I have been corresponding for quite some time. She's been very, VERY helpful to me. She knows that I should have gone to a REAL Plan B a long time ago. I never truly did that. I tried, but my H came home 2 days later. Hindsight is 20/20. My H has never had to face consequences for his actions. I believe he's pushing for the D now, because OW is just as afraid he'll come back to me as I've been afraid that he'll go back to OW. In reality, since his A started, he never left OW. I just don't want to share him anymore. If I look honestly at my M over the last several years; we've really been limping along. I've made all the changes in me (and I'm very GLAD I have) that I needed to address. My H is perfectly content to stay the way he is; and that's o.k. Unfortunately for him, he will continue to repeat the patterns he's repeated in relationships for the past 20 or so years. I, on the other hand, will not. I have a better sense (and continue to grow in this each day) of who I am, what I need, how lovable I am, and a host of other things that I never knew about me.<p>Anyway, I would never have gotten to this place without special people like HBH, Cali, Orchid, Lotsva, KrystalH, OneDay, Kevco, many others, SUSAN, you have been the best!<p>Thanks,<p>MOM

I am so glad that you have gotten to this point of acceptance. I have seen your strength increase over the months. I have seen you grow and you have learned so much. I know it will continue.<p>I pray for you to experience LIFE and LOVE again in fresh ways as you have this new change taking place in your life. Just take it slow and easy and trust your heart. Put to the test all you have learned and know to be true. And, then, all of this is never wasted time, because without all of these experiences we would just stay stuck in the same ole place....the rut that gets so deep it becomes the grave.<p>Love you and wish you the best!!! (and how about the house situation?)

Just wanted to update and tell everyone that our house finally sold yesterday!! We've had it on the market for 2 months, and since I'm moving out February 2, I really wanted it to be sold before I left. Anyway, a really big weight lifted off my shoulders!! [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]

Great news and great posts MOM,<p>I am in about the same place. I am getting the house ready to sell...and I am ready to get out of this mess.<p>My H is still with OW and is still acting the same. He also is behaving the same way he has for 20 years. Oh well, it will be his loss. Emotionally, I feel much calmer. I am glad I don't have to deal with it on a daily basis anymore.<p>I wish you the best on your move and your independence. I really want to look back on my life and know that the second half was better than the first. <p>Best wishes MOM.. Pat

Glad about your house. Sounds like you are on the right track. <p>good luck in the move & the coming weeks.

Glad to hear how strong you have become! Congrats on the sale of your house. What a relief that must be for you. That is something I am dreaming about every second of every day (my H is living next door with OW). Even if by some miracle we can reconcile, I can't live next door to her. Anyway...sorry about rambling....Good luck with your NEW YOU!! God bless!
BH

MoM,<p>I'm glad to hear about the house. That's one more load of stress that you didn't need to deal with. Please take care!<p>Kev