Hello everyone!!! It has been a few weeks since my last post. Nothing has really changed. Today I seem to be having another feel sorry for myself day. Because you know I am the queen of depresion. Sometimes there really is no one I can talk to. You see I have been going through this for two years so all of my friends are pretty much tired of hearing about it. There are thoughts in my head sometimes even I cant put into words. I am tired of being lonely and crying. I have read all the books I could possible get my hands on, been through counseling, and still here I sit. I am unemployed so I cant afford Jennifer or Steves counseling right now. I have become alot stronger over the last 2 years, but I still backslide. I talk to H everyday (except for weekends when OW is at his house) and things are still really friendly. I find myself wanting to push him. This has been the worst two years I have lived through. My mom passed away from cancer 1 year ago and I am still having trouble finding peace there too. It was when I needed H most, but he couldn't bother himself with such unpleasant things at that time. He did not even go to the funeral. Most of my friends and family dont know why I still care. I wonder sometimes if there are any success stories out there?? I know of one that caught my attention. Her name in LostVA. If you ever get a chance, go back and research her story. She is a wonderful person and went through h###, but she and H got back together. She has some great advice. I guess what I am really wondering is if I am going insane. I have done some very terrible things in my life. I have had an affair, dated numerous men, drank alot, lost alot of weight, and in the mean time I have tried to raise two beautiful little girls. There is so much on my plate I dont think I could fit anymore. I cant stand to sit here with tears running down my face anymore. I feel soo desperate. There is no one to turn to. There is a guy that wants to go out this weekend and I am trying very hard not to go, but then I am so lonely. I get mad at H and tell myself how long are you gonna put yourself through this??? None of this probably makes sense to you guys so thats all for now. Just needed to cry and vent a little. My stories are long they are beginning to bore me too. I hope all you are well.

Hi, <p>Vent away. It is a need we all have. Your story is just as important as all the others. Never belittle your situation. It is just as serious and important as the next poster. <p>You are at decisive point here with getting attention elsewhere. Where are you in this situation? Plan A, B ?????<p>L.

Lilli, <p>what you are saying makes sense to all of us. We are all going thru it with you. By no means is your story, your sadness, your fears boring. Take faith in what LOSTVA and other have accomplished. Yes, it is a wonderful story. Why do you not want to go out with this man this weekend? Set boundaries before you say yes and see what happens. Take care of yourself! He may turn into a wonderful friend who maybe just be what you need right now. Here's a hug for you right now!! No make that two, beacuse we are thinking of you!! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Lilli<p>I went back and read your post from New Years. remember Ammon's positives:<p>Positives: He still cares, Doesn't want you to file for divorce, Christmas shopping with him, phone conversations, "spent time talking like old friends" = good signs. I believe the "friends" part is significant; solid and healthy relationships are built on friendship, certainly marriages, so it's a very good place from which to move forward.<p>You also have a beautiful daughter who you can devote yourself full time to! There are many women who would be envious! You are in my thoughts and prayers and I'd like to see your smile, while thinking about your daughter, lighten up the room!
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Lilli, please know that you are not alone in this stuggle. You truly need to seek professional help for your depression. I've been on Zoloft for ages (it seems) and cannot foresee my life without it. If one antidepressant does not work for you, there are dozens of others that are available which can be better suited for you. Do not dwell on your hubby's choices.....think about you and your girls. You truly need to find self-love in order to love another without barriers. Put yourself within your own focus so that you can work on you and your self-esteem. Not only will you start to feel better but I'm positive that your husband will also notice the difference. The positive results will be gratifying to you. Get out of that deep ditch in which you hover and think about your happiness and that of your children. Plan A.....it's about you. But, first you need to see a doctor who can prescribe the correct medication for you, if needed.<p>Good luck on your journey. You are not alone...ever!!!