Hi All,
I can not think straight this days and need your help.<p>I just LB'ed. I am enabling my WW since we "pretend" that she control the money for groceries and other household accidentals. I transfer directly from my paycheck to her account. Just now, I check our join account, she wrote a check for the groceries & some other stuff. I asked her why ?, she told me that she bought this and that for 2 D so she is "running short". I am LB'ed since she never care about the financial stuff and blame me for not enough money. For the past 4 years since we purchase this property money had been tight and she is not helping at all. She spends money but refuse to log it so that I could be ready. I have to balance my book by getting online statement [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] . We have agree that she will use the amount that I transfer and let me handle the "fix" expenses. Today, it really blew me up. She wants this property, she quit her job (4 years already) and I told her excatly what is going to happen and I just need her to be considerate, she never does and have A instead. I guess, even a logical request is looked as LB'ed by WW.<p>She told me she is going to transfer the amount back and she is angry and told me to cancel the monthly transfer all together.<p>I have few choices, let her go or cancel the direct transfer all together or negotiate the amount. She is never home anyway and if she wayward out let OM pay her bill not the other way around. My 2 D could eat at the better restaurant and better clothing and also reduce our debt. I am LB'ed anyway no matter what.<p>Thanks for any input.

Redhat, <p>I feel your pain, and I pray for you.<p>I don't know what to say.<p>God bless.

Redhat-<p>Know all to well where you are coming from. I have to spend an extra $700/month just to have a place to live and eat now that W has tossed me out of the house (coulda used that money to take the family on a real nice vacation). We were always scraping by as it was and now the company I am working for is cutting back hours and laying off people. I asked W how we are supposed to make ends meet now, she just tells me to figure it out, just make sure she gets $X amount each month.<p>I told her once that she should get a job as well since she is partly responsible for this separation- huge LB on my part. So now I am looking at getting a second job just to keep my kids from being put in the poor house. Yes, this stinks. Not much I can do about it right now, just got to suck it up and drive on. At least I know I am doing the right thing. <p>Hang in there Redhat, your day is coming.

Redhat...<p>I don't have a specific 'fix' except that somehow you have to get yourself out of the loop of 'being in control' of this.<p>I used to be 'in control' of both accounts. Everytime H took money out of his account, I asked him why... what for... Now mind you, no one was asking me when I used money why and what for...<p>Since May... when I cut up the ATM card I had for his account and threw it at him... I have NOTHING to do with his money. He pays x, y and z. and I pay a, b and c. We put a certain agreed amount in savings. What happens after that is his problem. When he overdraws account he has to fix it... just like if it happened to mine, I have to fix it. and, I don't offer to help...<p>Finally... one of the books I read specifically talks about financial issues within a relationship... DivorceBusting, I think... you might check it out...<p>Cali

I don't have a specific answer, but I keep thinking " what solution will let her own the problem?"<p>The current plan requires you "pay the penalty" for her poor performance.To me, that's what led to all this resentment. <p>Maybe you could remove yourself from the joint account and still let the transfers continue. That way checks written don't impact funds available to you, annd you aren't requiring her cooperation as part of the solution.<p>Just defining your borders..<p>My stbx and I use a joint acct for direct deposits, then transer her funds out. In our case, though, she's much better w money than me...<p>Dan

Torizo,
I know I could count on your support, I will post to you later. It seems that your situation is lighten up a bit.<p>loveherstill,
Hope that day will never come. I am selling also this property, sicks of being handyman. We build together our networth from $1000.00 to more than 3/4M in 13 years. All she could do is having A and blame me for every unhappiness in her life. I always discuss w/ her all the decision making, I even warn her about it when we venture here, she wants it and she bails out on me. To my WW, the check balance is the balance from the ATM ... <p>Cali,
She has her own account and I stop asking her many years ago. I am going from asking her to letting her to give me the receipts to begging her to enter the info her self (no question ask) to having her own account. She still dubble dipped to this join account for the property. Reasonable is not in her vocab. She overdraws her own account many times and I guess she has to double dipped since she is low on fund. When we sit down to negotiate, she asked only about half of the amount that I transfered now. I told her to take it since I know the numbers, go figure.
I will get that book and also D Remedy. Thanks, Cali.<p>Dan,
Thanks, thats what I am going to do. I am going to let this joint account low on fund and I am still deciding on the transfer. I have my own account when I set up hers, so no way she get the basic fund. I resent that my hard earn $ going to her apt w/ OM and support her A. I could pay down some of our credit cards.<p>All, thank for the input. I am holding the doormat of the year. I want it to be sure that I will not misstep. Every boundry that we set, she crosses it. It is all depend on if she tranfers back that ammount that she has taken. Then I decide on the transfer. Otherwise I am thinking to let her have it. I am hang in here b/c I made a promise to my MIL to take care of her. MIL passed away and FIL & BIL(s) all understand if I have to move on.

Redhat,<p>Can't you have her name removed from the joint account?

Nina too,
She has to sign it. I just let it run low and moves all the deposit to my account. I could do that for credit card but not checking even I am the primary account holder.

So what I did was remove his name from my primary account. I am still on his bank account. Now he can make deposits to mine anytime.... (anyone can - wow what a privilege of having an A). My direct deposit goes there and that is where all the bills are paid from. He has a business account that he manages and he is responsible for that one. Yes, I have helped out a bit and he is being more responsible to our family account. But this was after years of letting him practically live scott free!!! Then the OW had the nerve to say that I was using H as a 'money machine'... ka chink!!! That money machine was empty!!! hello!!! <p>Ok, so the lack of funds made it real clear who was the one always running short. Funny how the calculator in their brains always blames us. Very similar to the engineer and the manager story on Wat's thread. <p>So RH, shore up your finances to protect your family. She can setup her own account. You may have to eventually pay alimony anyway. Protect your stuff!!! It is for you and your children. When she has her family's interest in the right place then she can have access to what belongs to the family. Fair?!?!? I think so. <p>L.

redhat,<p>At this point the future of your M is in more danger from your loss of love than any effect of financial LB on her.<p>As Cali said, you can reduce financial LBs by getting out of the loop, which you have done. But, you are not totally out of the loop because she still has access to your joint accounts. You should either cancel, or empty, all your joint accounts. Then she has exactly what she wants, her own money that she controls and nothing else - that is what you both agreed to.<p>Plan A quits working when the WS becomes comfortable and uses Plan A to their advantage (cake-person). Especially when this causes huge withdrawals from the BS lovebank. You need to eliminate this particular huge withdrawal or else you won't be able to continue Plan A. <p>It may be a LB to implement (not clear since it is what she wants). But it will not be a continual LB because you won't have to keep confronting her about money. Will she quit spending time at home if she doesn't get paid???? <p>Notice that I have not said, do this to cause a reaction in your WS. This is all about handling LBs and huge withdrawals in your love bank! I guess one of the few boundaries you must have.<p>Jeffers

Orchid,
Thanks, yes I did set her one up but she is short on fund and dubble dipping to the join one. I will start letting that run one low. My mistake trying to be organized. Since we scrape out butt off to build financial future, I am very low on cash/liquid asset, huge equity on property and the rest is on my 401K, IRA and her 403B. Not much manuvering one could do.<p>jeffers,
Thanks, you 've nailed it. I make a mistake by not draining the account, she saw it and she use it. I try to separate the account for the property (join) and the family fund (under my own account). I guess now I have to drain that join account too.<p>I am staying in plan A, I am at home and she is out there and it starts wearing her down. Read my reply to sad dad, I have the same exact issues as him on selling the property.