Hi mylife ~<p>That's a good question. The Marriage Builders answer to my situation was to file for divorce and go to Plan B.<p>I chose to differ from Steve Harley's plan - mainly because I completely gave up trying to restore my marriage. I had 3 children, one an infant, that needed their dad.<p>So instead I choose to do a modified Plan A, with some detachment and some tough love.<p>Frankly, looking back in hindsight, had I immediately gone to Plan B, it might have had quicker results - so Steve Harley WAS right, I just chose to do it differently. This is why sometimes I feel a little frustrated with Plan Aers here, who are terrified of doing the smallest thing wrong. I think that if a spouse is open to coming back, then they will. If a spouse is not open to coming back, then they won't. And there is no way to determine that ahead of time - you just have to forge ahead with the focus on yourself, so that no matter the outcome...you survive.<p>I filed for divorce. I hired an attorney and I did all the work. My H was the one that said he wanted the divorce...but he never lifted even the slightest finger towards doing it. I decided that I didn't want to be married to HIM and so I went forward. Then I worked at detachment...I *KNEW* he immediately went back to his OW when I filed for divrce the second time. The first time around, I could complain about betrayal. The second time...well I had filed....what did I expect? So I drew some very firm boundaries with my H, including refusing to let the children out of my sight until he had signed a letter stating that our children would not ever be in the presence of his OW until after our annulment. We also agreed in that letter to no SO's staying overnight...no babysitters without agreement on both sides...right of first refusal..yadda yadda.<p>Once he signed that letter, then I said, great, the kids are yours every other weekend. And then I got on with my life. I was pleasant and friendly (not his friend). I did not bring up our marriage or our divorce. I did not bring up the OW. I simply got on with life as it was - and did discuss my future plans as it affected him...we talked about his following us to VA (where I told him I was moving). I was careful though to make sure that I did not judge him, correct him, or critize him. I admired him when he talked about his job. I thanked him for his financial support. So basically I avoided lovebusters and met ENS within reason - with clear boundaries drawn to protect myself.<p>As the weeks went on, he got served...he never responded. He also didn't hire a lawyer. After the first weekend with the kids at his place...he kept finding reasons to spend "his" weekend in our home. Which I had said he could do...I left it up to him. And when I went about my own business on his weekends...he started asking me to come along...<p>I'd be out doing errands or shopping and he'd call me and ask me to meet him and the kids for dinner...<p>I later found out that he lied to his OW constantly about where he was and what he was doing on his weekends with the kids. She didn't know (because she would have thrown a fit) that he'd agreed that she couldnt be around the kids.<p>She thought he was cheating on her with other women...she never imagined he was cheating with his own wife and children!! :roll:<p>So then when the night before our first court date rolled around (which was for a default judgement because he didn't respond) he basically hopped off the fence.<p>I hope this helps [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]
