Sorry, this is long, but I could use some help. PA 8 months, haven't seen her in 2 months - email and phone contact still, we've been saying "goodbye" since the start - we know it can't be, but we want it to work out somehow. Both spouses know everything except for the contact over last 2 months (since we stopped seeing each other) - she told me today she is moving away w/ spouse and kids in one month - 1500 miles away - I need to get over her and move on with my life - this is my first attempt. thanks...<p>ps- posted this in "recovery" too - hoped for some more responses here - thanks <p>REMEMBER: I admit I am LOST and CONFUSED - so cut me some slack - I'm just starting to try here<p>Dear (OW)<p>I am writing to ask you to never contact me again. I have decided to put all of my efforts into what is left of my marriage and I cannot continue to allow myself to cling to some hope of a future with you. You have made your decision that we cannot be together, so I need to accept that and get on with my life. That being the case, I just can&#8217;t handle seeing or hearing from you &#8211; it is too painful for me to have any contact with you. As long as we are in contact, I will always be trying to have some kind of a relationship with you but the kind of relationship I want to have with you can&#8217;t be, and I don&#8217;t want anything else. I deserve to love and be loved completely and since you aren&#8217;t willing to be there for me that way, I must stop fighting to make it happen. You must accept that you have chosen to walk away from an incredible person (me), one that loves you more than anyone on this earth possibly can. You have thrown away something you may never get back.<p>I don&#8217;t know whether (wife) and I will make it, and you know that I truly believe that I have already tried my best to no avail. (Wife) knows that this is our only shot and I need to give it all I have, one last time. If we don&#8217;t make it, I will do right by her and separate on agreeable terms &#8211; I won&#8217;t seek out another relationship with anyone, not even with you, until I am in a place where I am able to commit fully to someone, and they are ready to commit to me&#8230; they deserve that, (wife) deserves that, and so do I. By falling in love with you, I was only setting myself up for pain and disappointment, since we could never truly be together in our current circumstances.<p>You need to know that I was truly ready to leave (wife) and begin a new life with you and I believed you were willing to do so as well&#8230; I thought that we were headed in that direction, but it is clear that you never intended to go there. Consequently, I feel used and discarded by you since it seems, in retrospect, that you only wanted me to fulfill your unmet needs. But when it became apparent to you that you couldn&#8217;t have your cake and eat it too, so something had to go and it was me. You never intended me to be anything other than temporary, something that would someday be only a memory &#8211; that was not what I wanted&#8230; I told you that many times, that I wanted to always have you in my life and not lose you completely, but I have lost you. You didn&#8217;t listen to me when I told you what we needed to do to avoid losing each other &#8211; since you didn&#8217;t listen, it must not have been that important to you &#8211; it didn&#8217;t matter to you if our relationship would be brief and would end painfully (for me), what I wanted (to not lose you) didn&#8217;t matter to you . Yes, you say you really love(d) me and that you meant what you said, but if it were true, you wouldn&#8217;t have hurt me in this way. Your actions don&#8217;t match your words.<p>I really don&#8217;t understand why, even now, you still want to have any contact with me &#8211; what is the point? You are violating your trust with (your husband) by emailing me and leaving me voice messages. Why are you taking such a risk? Are you not sure of your decision to be with him? Are you trying to have your cake (your family) and eat it too (have someone-me-longing for you somewhere off in the distance)? If he knew, he may not be so ready to take you with him and start a new life with you knowing your heart is still tied to me in some way. Part of me wants to tell him we are still communicating and also tell him those details you&#8217;ve left out about us, so he can make a fair decision about staying with you. If he knew those details and that you and I are still communicating, what would he do? The selfish part of me wants to tell him so he will let you go, and we can be together &#8211; the only thing keeping me from doing that is that it would severely hurt you and since I truly do love you, I won&#8217;t do that, even though it might get me what I want. That is one difference between you and I: You will always do whatever you need to in order to get what you want regardless of whether it hurts people you say you love &#8211; I don&#8217;t always do that. You say you weigh the consequences of your actions and then decide whether or not you will accept them &#8211; well, you must have known all along that we would end up here and that must have been acceptable to you &#8211; for me to be crushed and for us to not be together &#8211; those consequences were acceptable to you just so you could have your needs met &#8211; even for such a brief time. That hurts me very badly &#8211; but you knew it would and did it anyway.<p>I hope you find happiness in your life and I hope you will always cherish the time we did have together, I will. My life will always have a huge hole in it since you are the only one I want to fill it, but you never will. That will always make me sad.<p>Goodbye.

It's called a no-contact letter not a love letter!<p>Maybe someone will bring up an example. It should be short and sweet: never contact me again I love my wife and we are going to recover our marriage. And your wife should see it before you send it.<p>Are you in counseling of any kind? <p>[ January 17, 2002: Message edited by: KalGrl ]<p>[ January 17, 2002: Message edited by: KalGrl ]</p>

Been in csling since I told W about A in July - not helping much

Hi,<p>Here's how I would cut down your letter and say what needs to be said:<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr><p>Dear (OW)<p>I am writing to ask you to never contact me again. I have decided to put all of my efforts into [my marriage].<p><hr></blockquote><p>There is a copy of the NO CONTACT letter in SAA... please click on the link in my sig line to begin using MB principles to SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE.<p>Best wishes...<p>[ January 17, 2002: Message edited by: new_beginning ]</p>

>>> Been in csling since I told W about A in July - not helping much <<<<p>Well, it's probably not helping much because you haven't stopped contact, haven't gone through withdrawal, haven't committed to recovery yet.... lot's of haven'ts add up to "not helping much".<p>Please, please, please... don't put the cart before the horse - you can feel different, but you need to make an honest effort and have the right expectations.<p>And yes, that letter is far too much of a love letter. Even if you still do have feelings for her, go with something short and to the point - the sincerity of the words will follow.

Dear TrulyLostAndConfused,<p>Everyone has given you the appropriate response here. I am a BS whose H had to write a no contact letter. <p>I have a different take on this that the others, the letter that you have written will hurt your OW.<p>You two had your A, she had a choice to make and she has made it. She is also going to suffer from withdrawal. She wants to continue on in her marriage. She has made that clear. That does not mean that she is not going to continue on having feelings for you which is why she is still contacting you.<p>The kindest thing that you can do for HER is to send the short Harley version of the no contact letter and stick with it. It will shorten the withdrawal for her and for you as well. If you do love her you will want to end her suffering. She wants to fix her marriage and you are going to have to respect her wishes and understand that it is difficult for her to end the contact once and for all but that is what BOTH of you are going to have to do if she is to succeed in what she has chosen. This may not be what YOU want but it is what SHE wants.<p>I have not mentioned your W yet, you (like my own H when he had to write his no contact letter) are simply unable to take into consideration the pain of the A and the continued contact on your spouse. All of your emotions are focused on the OW.<p>If you take time to think this through before you send the letter you will understand why your version is only going to prolong the pain for everyone. Obviously your W would be very hurt to read what you have written and the way you have written it leaves the door open for your OW to possibly pop back into the picture at some later date. It is going to hurt your OW because she will be left with the feeling that you are still an option. That is going to prevent her from fully recommitting to her own marriage, something that she has chosen freely to do. It is going to hurt you because you have constructed your letter in such a manner that you will be forevermore hopeful that your OW may one day come back to you. You will be living in limbo. Maybe she will come back and maybe she will not come back. You will be left forever wondering. <p>The best thing you can do for ALL concerned is to make the letter short and to the point.

Thank you to everyone for your help and advice...<p>Met w/ my cslr (individual not marriage, I do have one of those too) this morning and he recommended a similar approach - thank you all for your wisdom and insight - it's like you have in a way fallen on a grenade so I don't have to get hurt, but I know you have had limbs blown away in the process from which I am benefitting - you are all truly honorable - thank you, thank you, thank you -I don't deserve the compassion you have offered and I aprreciate it.<p>I will revise my letter and will send it - MAYBE... I may not even do that. OW said she will call this weekend - she wants to see me one last time before she moves, but not to say goodbye - says we have said goodbye too many times already and doesn't want it to be another one, she thinks we can still "stay in touch over the years" - as she puts it. I think if she does call, I will tell her I don't want to see her or hear from her again and that she needs to honor that (if she emails me, I will send a note back similar to your suggestions) - I have not been the one to say no contact, til now - but she has - then she breaks it when she "misses me too much"--guess what'll happen after she moves 1500 miles away? duh! - my cslr said that even though I will say no contact now - she will violate it, so I should be prepared....

Please, please under no circumstances see her. Your last post sounds like you are getting it!

Dear TrulyLostAndConfused,<p>You need to think of this like pulling off a bandaid. You can rip it off and it hurts like the dickens but then it`s over and done with.<p>You pull it off slowly though and you prolong the agony for EVERYONE. Send the Harley version of the letter and DO NOT see her.<p>[ January 18, 2002: Message edited by: Daisy37 ]</p>

Actually, I like to let the bandaid soak in a warm bath, then let if just fall off... - so guess what? I have been hesitant to let go of her as long as she wants me in her life.... how pathetic - but what about those stupid "in love" feelings I still have?<p>Damn, I really hate being here.

not here, as in on the MB site - you guys have been great... I mean here as in where I am in life....<p>really sucks

She wants you in her life cause she wants to have her cake and eat it too. Would you really be happy sharing her with her H? For how long do you think? If you really love her then I am betting it wouldn`t be very long. She wants to stay married. <p>It took my H about three months to get over his EA woman. He drug aroung the house for a week or two and then I guess he came to the realisation that the choices were made and it was truly in the best interest for all concerned. Once he finally got that then he no longer had too much trouble letting go of his feelings for her.<p>Time will put alot of things into perspective. You have to be the strong one here and end the hurt for all concerned. You will get over this.

My husband actually sent a letter simular to the one you wrote--a goodbye letter. Not a "no contact letter." Out of the entire affair, this is the one thing, this letter, that hurts me the very most. And when I am really mad, it's the first thing I think about.<p>It went something like this: "I can understand if you hate me, and if you curse me, I would feel better about what I have to tell you. . .boy, I have really lost out as I let you go. . .I loved every minute I spent with you. . .I will miss your sweet and loving warmth. . .and I know that I will never again have the companionship that we have had. . .I will try to make do with the mediocre life that I face, as I must honor the obligations I have, meaning my son. Goodbye, my love." Yada yada.<p>Oh yeah, I almost forgot about the best part of the letter: "If there is one woman that I would want to spend the rest of my life with, it would be you, (Miss Kitty.)"<p>Needless to say, my husband did not intend for me to see this letter. Big mistake--secrecy, dishonesty. If you really intend to reunite with your wife, you should be able to share everything you do with her--no secrets.<p>Now, looking back at this and seeing today the success that my husband and I have made in recovering our marriage, it's an outrage. What message do you think that Miss Kitty got as she read this heartbreaking missive? That my husband really wanted to work on his marriage--do you think that it was an incentive to let him alone to do so? No way! Quite the opposite.<p>In fact, the only reason that my husband did not get her fifty thousand boo-hoo e-mails after this was because he was out on ship after d-day.<p>And guess what? Now that the fog has cleared out of his life, he vehemently claims that he did not mean a word of this letter. Amazing, huh?<p>If you want to reclaim your marriage, do not make it a wishy-washy half-hearted attempt. That will only prolong the agony. Do you like living in limbo? Well, I am sure that your wife and the OW doesn't, either.<p>Just go for it--you know that it is the right thing to do. When you do the right thing, you will feel the effects in time.<p>[ January 18, 2002: Message edited by: Bernzini ]<p>[ January 18, 2002: Message edited by: Bernzini ]</p>

If there is even a tiny speck of your being that may want to recover whatever it was that you once had with your wife that inspired you to marry her, I urge you to come clean with her IMMEDIATELY about the last two months that you have continued to disrespect her, lie to her, and manipulate her.<p>If you do not heed my plea, you may find that you've slammed the door on your M forever. If you DO heed my plea, it will have no effect on any future you may imagine yourself having someday with the OW, and it will enhance your chances of recovery with your W. You have NOTHING TO LOSE by being honest, but you may lose everything if you continue to do what you've been doing.<p>If you want to hang on to your fantasy of life with the OW, fine--just be sure to be honest about it with your W. I don't know your W, but I've known lots and lots of people in my life, and I haven't met one yet that deserves this kind of treatment from someone who promised to love, honor, and cherish them.<p>If empathy for your W is not possible right now, can you at least allow her to make an informed decision about her future? Please think about it.<p>[ January 18, 2002: Message edited by: Conqueror ]</p>