I feel my situation is a little different. Here is my story: I've been married for 5 1/2 yrs.(Together 9 yrs.) My husband is an alcoholic. He got his 1st DUI in 94, before we were even married. He spent 6 months in jail. 2nd & 3rd DUIs in 96 & 97, he spent 11 monthe in jail for those 2. In between his trips to jail, things were, ok. He had a lot of trouble keeping a job, but he would always go out & get another one right away. We would fight, a lot, about his drinking. Most nights he would be passed out on the couch, we rarely went to bed together, not to say we didn't have a sex life, we did, when he was sober. In late 98 we had our 1st child. Things were good for a while, untill he got another DUI, then another. We were told he was probably looking at state prison. He was home, on bail, for almost a year. Thats when things really seemed to go down hill. He stopped working, would sleep till noon, get up sit on the couch for 2 hours untill he started drinking again. He was drunk EVERY night. He spent almost no time with our son. He missed dinner just about every night. Things were really, really bad. I had no hope left for us. I have never been in a darker place in my life. I hated the person he had turned into. He seemed to think everyone owed him something. We were on welfare. He knew he was going away to jail & yet he did nothing to try to prepare for that. He was leaving me a single mother, with nothing to start with, no money, no food, nothing. (I was working P/T, babysitting, so I could be home with our son). I just wasn't able to really love him anymore. He changed too much. He was not the man I married, not even close. He finally went to court & was sentenced to 2-4 yrs, in state prison. I was done with our marriage. I had no hope that things would change this time. I'd heard all the promises, about quitting drinking, before. Nothing ever changed, it just got worse. I didn't want to be married to him anymore. Well my husband told me time & time again, if I wasn't going to be here for him, when he got out, he wasn't going to try to get better (the jail he is in is a rehab). I know thats a sorry excuse he gave me, but I still wanted him to get the help he needed, so I didn't tell him it was over in my mind. I was hoping, he would change his way of thinking, & want to change for himself & our son. I wasn't expecting it, but I was hoping. Well a few months after he went away, I started dating a guy. It felt so good to be in a "normal" relationship again. It only lasted a few months (it was a sexual relationship). I ended it, because I started to see those changes in my husband that I was hoping for. I started to see the man I married again, the man I loved. I couldn't believe that he was actually getting better. He was taking his recovery seriously. After a lot of thinking, I decided that I really did want ot make our marriage work, if he was going to get & stay sober. So I told him about the other guy. I never really considered it cheating, because in my mind, we were over. Need- less to say my husband didn't think about it that way. He was very upset, he still is. It was only 2 weeks ago that this all came out. The "affair" has been over for 4 months. I guess I just feel that what I did wasn't that bad, but it did hurt my husband very, very badly. I'm confused about my feelings & his. We have decided to try & work it out, & I think we will be able to do that. <p>I have searched & searched for stories about cheating & alcoholism. With no luck. I feel no one really understands my side. I know what I did was wrong, but I put up with so much over many years, I really feel like I just finally couldn't take anymore, & I lost it. I'm not trying to push the blame off of myself, I would just really like to talk to some one else who has experienced something similar. Anyone out there?

My husband has a drinking problem and I had the affair. I thought my marriage was over also except that neither on of us had left the house yet so it was really just an excuse and not a very good one. <p>Back in Sept. of 2000 we both decided to recommit to the marriage. I stopped the EMR, he was to stop the drinking. He only stopped for about 3 weeks and then picked it back up. He's never gotten help for it. <p>So anyway I'm here if you want to talk about it, so are a lot of other people who are much smarter than I am.

Thank you!!!!!!!!!!! Most people seem to think the WS is the bad guy. Like its all our fault. I was a very good wife, for 5 years. I just got to the end of my rope. How much can a person take? I'm sure you know what I mean. It's nice to know there IS someone else out there in the same situation. How did your H react when you told him? My H, of course, didn't take it well. The wierd thing is, whole time it was going on, friends of mine, who knew, never seemed to think I was in the wrong. I guess I didn't think that either. It has all just hit me now too, now that H knows & I see the pain I've caused him. I didn't think it would turn out this way. I'm glad my H is getting better & we're staying together, but I hate that I put this horrible mark on our marriage, that can never be erased. I thought my M was over. This is all very hard to deal with now that it's not over. Thanks for listening.

CHELLE96,<p>
Saw your thread and thought I might be able to help you in some way. I am the BS and an alchoholic. I was in denial about being an alcoholic for a long time because my drinking never caused the problems you have been through. I struggle with just saying I'm an alcoholic because I choose to get off the elevator before it hit bottom. Still, I understand that I am because I use alcohol as my relief valve. I'm currently in AA and am learning how to manage and live MY life which was always the real underlying problem. When I decided to go it had to be for me and only me. I hope your H is cleaning up because that is what he wants. Sure it's good to be motivated to put your family back together but unless he really wants it for himself and not just to keep from loosing what he has he is probably setting himself along with you for disappointment. You really should drill that into your head and expect setbacks until you see that he wants it for himself. Anyways, I'm just a beginer in the program but I've had a taste of serenity and am figuring out what it takes to make it. Feel free to ask any questions you may have. <p>One more thought. The alcoholic mind searches for reasons to drink. Being a BS is going to really test that. I think many of us share an illusion of control. Until we learn that we really have no control over anything other than what we say and what we do we continue to use alcohol as a release valve. It's a place to get rid of our problems. That were the illusion comes in, all we've really done is add to them. We never erased or changed anything we just piled on top of them.
I hope you stick around - you can learn a TON from everyone here if you just open your mind and your heart.<p>
Best wishes,<p>
who

Thanks, Who. I do believe my H is doing this for himself. He is the guy I fell in love with again, not the drunk he turned into. He has told me, since this all came out that he CAN & WILL do this with or without me. He says he would rather have me by his side, which is fine, that's where I want to be. But still, just hearing him say that feels good. He also told me, if he were home when I told him this, he would have relapsed over it. Which is something I considered, when deciding when to tell him. I knew it would be hard & I didn't want him to turn to alcohol. So I think we are on the right track here. He is a very strong person. He has really tried to understand why I did what I did & the way I went about it. He has been great. I should probably feel much worse than I do, but I feel closer to him than I have in years. We have talked about this, at great length, and tried to understand each others feelings. I know I fell out of love with him before, I couldn't have cheated if I was in love with him. But I can say now, I have fallen back in love with him. He is truely my soulmate. I am SO PROUD of him for getting sober. I know it is hard, and in the midts of everything I've laid on him too. I can't wait till he is home so we can really get started on fixing our M. Not to sound like I think it will all be peaches 'n cream, I know it will be hard, but I also know we WILL make it. We always (until the last year or so) had a very strong relationship, a very strong love for each other. In the long run, this time apart, is probably best right now anyway. I just wish he didn't have to deal with all this in jail. Thanks for your imput!!

When my H found out he didn't want to know the details, he just wanted my recommitment to him. He doesn't talk about just as I don't talk about his drinking. That's the way he wants it. <p>As for the drinking, he never gets drunk, he's a functioning alcolic, never gets drunk just drinks everyday. <p>Personally I don't like to use his drinking as an excuse for why I was a terrible wife and for why I put him through the grief that I did. It was selfish and wrong. If I was looking to this OM to rescue me from a bad situation I should have had the stregnth and courage to rescue myself. What I did was cowardly and wrong and was even more detrimental to me that his drinking was to him.

CHELLE96,<p>I hope you don't mind a couple more comments. Just that I've noticed a few things throughout your posts. I'm really not trying to make things sound bad or help you put up walls. I just don't want to see you or your H get blindsided. <p>CHELLE96,
"I feel my situation is a little different."<p>I mean this in the most respectful way. Every WS seems to think their situation is different. It might be drugs, alcohol, sexuall addictions, ignoring needs, abuse, the list goes on and on. Most WS have left the marriage emotionally because of some reason or another and that's what makes their situation different. No judgement from me here - it's just what happens. In the end it doesn't really matter. It happened and in your case it's over. You know that but your H needs time to work through it. Please be patient with him. The best way you can help your H (with the A) is to answer his questions, be empathetic, understanding, patient, and reassuring. You don't have to accept abuse (either verbal or pysical). That is not what the BS is asking for and it really doesn't do any good. <p>
CHELLE96,
"Thank you!!!!!!!!!!! Most people seem to think the WS is the bad guy."<p>I'm sure it feels that way much of the time. You are very brave to post here and I can see your caution. I just want you to know that I don't think your a bad person. You might have made a mistake (then again, maybe you didn't, it's really for you to decide and live with) but that doesn't ruin everything good about you.<p>
CHELLE96,
"He has told me, since this all came out that he CAN & WILL do this with or without me."<p>"He is a very strong person."<p>Most alcoholics are strong people. To many in the outside world they look weak. But most people don't see that until the alcoholic has hit bottom and seems helpless. I know in my own case I can pretty much quit anytime I want but it usually does return at some point a month or so later. I've always been blinded by my own "willpower". Just a heads up.<p>
CHELLE96,
"He also told me, if he were home when I told him this, he would have relapsed over it."<p>This is the one that scares me the most. He's basically saying that he will return to drinking at the first major problem. Chelle, you can't be perfect. It's impossible. And even if you are you can't control the other things that are going to come along. Deaths of family and friends, accidents, jobs, kids, etc. If/when he slips I hope it doesn't destroy all your hopes and beliefs that he's beat this. The simple truth is that he has to beat it every single day for the rest of his life even those days when the devastating things happen. He needs some tools and not just willpower for that. <p>Chelle,
I'm not trying to rain on your parade. You two have been given another opportunity and both of you want it. I can't tell you how many here would love that. Most of us are dealing with a spouse that can't or isn't willing to work on the M. You both are very lucky. I also think that your H is in a really good place (go figure). He's been through a lot in his life and it seems that he's waking up. I can tell you that in my life I've had these moments but never knew how to keep them going. That's were AA comes in. AA is really about learning how to live. I'm not trying to be pushy but with where he's at it probably wouldn't hurt for him to go to a meeting. One hour out of his life wouldn't be to much. It might be worth suggesting. If you do suggest AA leave it at that. He will continue if it's helping. If he's not ready he will return later in his life when he is ready. That's when it will do him the most good.<p>Anyways, I hope that wasn't to preachy. I was just about to bear my testimony (just joking). I'm glad you're here. You have good intentions and a desire to make your M better. <p>
Best wishes,<p>
who

Thanks, again Who. I do realize that this isn't something H is going to get over overnight (the A or his drinking). I know we have a hard road ahead of us. I am being as supportive as possible. I told him I would answer any questions he has, and I do. I also know that, no matter what my reasons were, I was wrong for what I did. The more time that goes by, the more I realize that, because I'm seeing just how badly I hurt him. My main concern right now, is to do whatever he needs me to do to help him get past the A (I have told him this too)no matter how long that takes. I want him to know that I do love him & I am totaly done with this A. It should have never happened & I regret that more than anything else I've ever done. As far ah his recovery goes, he is (& has been) attending AA meetings. Like I said, he is in a rehad setting. He attends 3-5 different meetings/groups each day. He is committed to his rehabilition now. I know that doesn't mean he'll never screw up & drink again. That is something we will have to deal with if/when it happens. As far as him saying he would have relapsed if he were home when I told him. He said he is not strong enough now, not far enough along in his recovery program, to handle it on his own. I actually took that as a good sign, that he admitted that. He was never serious about "getting better" before. So just the fact that is is really doing it this time makes a huge difference to me. I know if we both work hard, him at is recovery & me at supporting that, we will make it. I thank you for your advise. Sometimes I am blind to what is right in front of me. I have a lot of hope that this will all work out. I feel closer to H than I have in a long time. The lines of communication are open & just the fact that we both know what the other is thinking & feeling helps. I'll be sticking around so I will keep you posted as to whats going on. Thanks!

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by CHELLE96:
<strong>As far ah his recovery goes, he is (& has been) attending AA meetings. Like I said, he is in a rehad setting. He attends 3-5 different meetings/groups each day. He is committed to his rehabilition now. I know that doesn't mean he'll never screw up & drink again. That is something we will have to deal with if/when it happens. As far as him saying he would have relapsed if he were home when I told him. He said he is not strong enough now, not far enough along in his recovery program, to handle it on his own. Thanks!</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Chelle96,<p>I was probably out of line with my concerns. He has admitted that he is powerless to it which is the first step. My bad, I was the one looking down the road. He has a real good chance and you should be proud of yourself for looking at yourself and your willingness to do your part in the M.<p>
Endevor,<p>You might be beating yourself up a little to much. It's good that you've made these realizations about yourself but don't take them to far. I'm sure you have many great qualities - everybody does. Think about and celebrate them once in awhile.<p>
[img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>
who

Who,
You weren't out of line. I appreciate any help & advice you want to give me. This is a new situation for me, one I NEVER thought I'd be in. I just always try to think positively. I have a lot of faith in me & H. I really feel like he is "the one", we belong together.<p>Endevor,
I agree, we shouldn't use our H's drinking as an excuse for what either of us did. I did use that excuse the whole time the A was going on. Now I do realize I was wrong. But I wasn't the only one who did the wrong thing(s) in my M. Me & H both made some really big mistakes. I hurt him & he has also hurt me. We have talked & decided not to argue & fight about this, or to place blame. That is not going to solve anything. I think you should not blame yourself so much. Yea, you did wrong,(I don't know your story) but I'm sure your H did his share of hurtful things too. The way I look at it is, you have to work on fixing your relationship, look to the future, not in the past! Your not a bad person, you just did a bad thing. Everybody does bad things in life.

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OPPS, Sorry about that!