It has been a month and a half since D-day. I am waiting for my situatin to deviate from the norm. So far it has not. My WS has not agreed to break contact with OM, and now I am catching her in lies to cover up things. "Lies and deceit always accompany an affair" , right out of the book. I confronted her on the lies. I told her it would be better for her to tell me the truth. That there was no reason to protect me from the truth. That it hurt more knowing she lied. That getting in the habit of lying will only hurt the foundation for however we end up in the future. "We still have 3 kids together, like it or not we will be part of each others lives" I said. She then asked me "Do you want to know when I am going to see him?" I swallowed hard and reluctantly said "yes, but dont expect me to carry the load of our family responsibilities so you can do that! I am not going to lay out the red carpet for you to do that, I wont make it easy to do that, just because you told me the truth." Now she is getting contradiction, I want her to tell me the truth but by doing that she will not get what she wants. Now she is thinking "Damn, I got to be more careful next time" You know I am trying to pick my battles with her, I know I can not help her in this decision she has to make to fight for our marriage, or give it up. I have not shown anger towards her, but I have to start drawing some lines. Plan A is all well and good, and I honestly believe if it werent for plan A to give me some focus during the first month I would have been in big trouble, but I am finding it harder to sit idley by ( is that a word, idley). Can one person use the principles of conflict resolution when the other doesn't know anything about them. I dont want to rant and rave, I am smart enough to know that will get me no where, but what do I do? It is obvious I need a coach, but its getting expensive talking to Jennifer.<p>OK next topic. The lie that I caught my wife in had to do with a telephone call. She called OM and denied it. I hit the redial button and guess who answered. So she fessed up. So now I have the phone No.# of OM and OM wifes house. Turns out OM just told his wife about A two weeks ago. It was too much of a temptation to call her and find out how she was doing. I am trying to figure out why I had the need to do that. I am convinced it is because I know how much it hurts to be two weeks in and I was concerned for her. My WS told me that she had no idea that their marriage was in trouble, just like my situation. It was a complete shock. This makes it worse. I asked Jennifer H. if I should talk to her and she said "No Way, you got to concentrate on your own marriage." So I couldn't even follow her advice. It was short, she had questions, I had questions, I told her that HisNeeds/HerNeeds, and Surviving an Affair along with the MB website atleast gave me a plan, and with a plan you have focus, and you have hope. Right now she is trying to do too much for him, same thing I did in the beginning. Your instinct is to fix it, you dont know what is broken so you do everything hoping you hit on the one thing that will make it all right. She is smothering him, that along with the feeling of being beaten down. I remember my instinct initially was to go for sympathy, or pity, "I hurt inside and you caused it, come make me better please, please, please." I am going to play on whatever feelings you have left for me. That does not work, in fact it had the opposite effect. That is why plan A helped me so much, working on me took the focus off of doing things just for her. My relationship with my kids definitely benefited. So I want to tell her all this. That I have some inside information that the way you are handling this is actually pushing your husband farther away which is pushing him closer to my W. I need my coach again, how should I handle this, I told her if she is way down she can contact me, but it has to be minimal as possible. I want to share with her what I have learned through my experience, but I know that is walking a very fine line. Long talks about personal problems is how I ended up in this mess in the first place.

I didn't want your post to go without a reply so I am bumping it up. About the only thing I can offer is the fact that OM just told his W about the A. Now the whole dynamics have changed, before it was only you who knew so in a way it was easy for the two of them to keep it going, OM really didn't have to make a choice. But now, gotta wait and see…..<p>Also, really think about contacting OM's W. Once again, your intentions are good, but the results may not be so good. It also can be seen as a LB by W, a way of controlling her, OM and the A. I too have contacted OM's W in the past (we are neighbors) but was careful to not turn it into anything serious. I have thought about contacting her again since DDay #2, but don't think it will accomplish anything to reconcile my M.

You have no control over your W's involvement with OM. It just has to work it's course. One thing I learned thru my saga is that you cannot CONTROL your WS. It has to come from them or it is no good.<p>Meanwhile you have to work on yourself and become the best you can be. Stop letting your world revolve around your W. Let her see that you have a life, and it may not include her. Be mysterious. Have good PMA. This may push her into getting territorial (worked for me).<p>I read about every book known to man when my H left. I found Divorce Busting very helpful; also Hope for the Separated by Chapman, and a bunch of others. HNHN was really good, but hard to implement when WS is gone and pursuing someone else. I asked my H what EN's I could fulfill for him, and he said he really didn't know if he WANTED any of them filled (at least by ME).<p>It's good that the affair is out in the open now. It may lose some of its glamour. My H admitted to me later (when he was trying to get me back) that when he left he was pretty sure something would work out with the young EA...but he soon learned it wouldn't. Meanwhile she sure went thru a lot of his money, LOL. When I asked him why he didn't dump her, he said he had nothing better to go to...whereupon I replied, well you had ME (we were even sleeping together at the time; getting along great; having fun couple times a wk)....He said, "But I didn't WANT you."<p>Oh my how his tune changed after 16 months separation and he thought he was LOSING me. (I wrote abt this in this thread which might be helpful to you):<p>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=37&t=014880<p>Good luck!
Carol

Ineedabreak --<p>I'm so sorry that you're with us at MB. You are welcome here--it's a good place to come for support and advice and suggestions and understanding. We're here for you and we know what you're going through and we hurt right along with you.<p>A Dec 12 d-day is very recent and you're still very raw and hurting incessantly. While it's normal to be where you are (and important to go through), the pain is intense and constant and unfathomable at this point. But, you seem to have a very together and head-on-straight take on things and that stability will help you and the relationship immensely.<p>As long as the OM is in the picture, your W will not be able to respond to you or your marriage in any sane way. The Fog is in and it covers all. Sanity and decency and truth go out the window. Don't expect anything--anything!--to be normal or predictable. Expect the unexpected! This is probably the hardest thing you'll ever have to go through--but you WILL get through it!<p>Jennifer is a professional and an immense help, but expensive. We certainly can't substitute for that level of advice but we can add our nonprofessional opinions and suggestions and we can empathize and understand your pain.<p>I'm a bit gun-shy about confiding in the OM's W, even though you two obviously share a bond not of your own choosing or making. You need to establish some definite boundaries with her and with your topics; I could see that backfiring big-time. You're both scared and unsure but I don't see her as your ally or friend. Be careful with that, please.<p>You've already gotten some great advice from carol and loveherstill: two people who have "been there" so they know whereof they speak. I think you're going in the right direction in your thinking. You just need to give yourself and your relationship time and patience. You can't control another person (and shouldn't try); you can only control yourself--that's the one factor in this that you have definite influence over. Worry about you--take care of you (Plan "A") to give this mess your best shot. We're thinking about you. Please update us often. Hang in...<p>Ammon

OK iI get the picture, OM's wife is a loaded gun. I think I can handle it, My focus is on my marriage not hers. OK I read that thread carolkh, If this can be construed (sp)as some sort of sick game then you are the master, and I am going to learn from you. Like I said I need a coach and the people who respond to me on these posts are it. The advice is consistant and that is what I need. Thanks for everything, like was mentioned I am a newbie, but things are happening so fast I dont want to make a mistake. I will let you know when I actually "Get that Break" that I need.