Well, here I go from sobbing to- well- just down right pissed. Its weird, but I knew that I would come to this point of emotional state. Guess I am learning about myself.<p>W called me last night, basically wanted to know what I was planning on saying during the restraining order hearing and what my intentions are concerning the separation agreement. She wasn't concerned about the kids or anything like that, just wanted to make sure that I was going to support her financially. She went on and on about how hard this is on her, she is a single mom now, she has to get government aid, give up the cable, cell phone, I'm not sure what else, I quit listening. I'm just thinking to myself why she is so miserable, after all, she found true happiness with 'the clown', this should be all worth it.<p>It was hard not to LB, but I kept my cool. When W asked me why I was even considering modifying the separation agreement, I told her that the RO changed the dynamics of the separation and now I have to make sure that my interests are properly protected. Then she says "If you ever miss a support payment, there will be hell to pay" (Keep pushing my buttons, W, you'll never find the one that you are looking for) I just asked her why she would even consider that I would do something like that, have I ever given her a reason to question my commitment to my family? No response from her, she just quickly changed the subject.<p>The other thing that burned me was W telling me how she can't get a job right now, that she doesn't have the skills necessary to get a good paying job. I asked her what her solution to this was, her reply was to go back to school this fall, get her graduate degree and then find the perfect job with great pay. Hello? I'm looking at this as just another excuse for W to avoid her responsibility for her part of the separation. I told her that I am proud of her going back to school and wish her the best. But geeze, I don't see how another degree is going to help if you don't have any experience to back it up. Guess W will have to figure this one out as well.<p>But here is the thing that really set me off. I was thinking about the last year and everything that W has done. W went to some rather expensive motivation/self-improvement seminars, has gotten braces, a nose job and her breasts enlarged, she has also gone out and lived the single life to the hilt (partied hard and has found that other men desire her and want her as well). And now she has gotten rid of the only thing (the M) that would keep her from continuing on the path she is on. I am beginning to wonder if all of this was planned ahead of time and maybe the A was just a method of ending the M (I'm not convinved of it, but it sure is crossing my mind right now) Hi-Fi said that once I am out of the house, there will be no real reason for W to even consider working on the M, and now I am really starting to wonder about that.<p>After all this venting, now for my original question, should I continue with Plan A, or switch to Plan B? I'm still in Plan A, although I don't see how it is going to affect W's attitude since I am out of sight, out of mind. I'm starting to wonder if I shouldn't switch to Plan B right after the separation papers are signed just to preserve what love I have left for W. But, I'm having a hard time even considering a Plan B when the kids are involved. Any advice?<p>BTW- I've started growing a moustache again, had one when we were first married then shaved it off when I joined the service. I'm kinda using it as my 'starting over' symbol. I'm even thinking of learning how to play the guitar, something I have always wanted to do. Its time for me to get selfish for a change!

loveherstill,<p>I hear ya, I empathize. Sounds like your patience is wearing thin. I understand that - mine took a major beating this week, but all I've done is shift my focus more: more onto myself, away from WW. She's noticed it, too, and I think is starting to wonder "what's going on here?" [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>If you can swing it, you might want to talk to Steve or Jennifer. I talked to SH yesterday, and he was rather insightful in his questions - kind of probing me on my "mental state" - how much more "I can take" so to speak. It felt like he was ready and willing to guide me through the whole transition to Plan B, when the time is right. Which, incidentally for me, is not in the immediate future.

lhs - Plan B with kids is a HUGE challenge, but it has to be done when you get to that point.<p>Where IS that point, you ask?<p>Well, IMHO - and I hope you get additional responses - that point comes when either of the following is true (this does not necessarily jive with strict MB concepts):<p>1. You're separated and you can't avoid LBs due to your loss of patience/strength (your lovebank is nearly empty), or<p>2. You're separated and you've already adequately demonstrated your self-improvements during Plan A.<p>The first reason is pretty much the classic MB reason. The second criteria is based on the notion that there's a certain point in Plan A where you reach diminishing returns between the competing goals of further demonstrating your improvements against the likelihood of LB'ing. I think too often we emphasize the improvements over not LB'ing. One "aw sh**" can erase a thousand "at-a-boys."<p>Whatever you do, I recommend you get the separation agreement nailed down first. While you do this, finish off with a pristine Plan A. Then go to Plan B.<p>Remember, Plan B is like Plan A in that it's all about YOU. Any notion that you're acting in some strategy to manipulate the WS can be detected and cause it to be a bigger LB than it otherwise would.<p>WAT

lhs,<p>
WAT hit it on the head. In my case I've never been able to go to plan B because it's seems manipulative and therefore probably would be. I probably just don't fully understand the plan B concept well enough but WAT's outline seems right on the money.<p>
who

Yes, once again WAT has nailed it, thank God you are here to help people like myself out. I guess I kinda knew the answer to my question already. Plan B would be done only if the Love Bank is amost broke, definetly not as a way of manipulating WS to make some change. Maybe in a away I am in Plan B, W and I definetly do not talk about restoring the M, the only thing we talk about is finances and arrangements with the kids. I do not contact her about anything besides those two issues, its almost like a business arrangement.<p>So maybe this is what is keeping me from going into a full-blown Plan B. Our limited contact is allowing me to stretch my patience out a lot, she is not making any huge Love Bank withdrawls anymore, but also no deposits (No Deposit, No Return, right?) I would definetly not do a Plan B to manipulate W, that would nullify all the personal growth I have made. That's one thing W asked me about last night, she said she knew I was angry at her and was worried that I would turn against her. I relpied that yes, I am angry at you, but I still love you and doing anything to hurt you would go against all the personal growth that I have done these last 3 months, that I am not that kind of person.<p>I guess I am just trying to talk myself through all of this. Its not that I am fixating on W and what she is doing to us, just trying to put some pieces together so I can make good, rational decisions in the future.<p>Here is one more thing that just happened. W called me, can't remember about what, but I asked her when I can come over and get my stuff, told her that since I have an apt now, I would like to really move in to it and get on with my life. She said "I have a headache right now, I can't make that decision until later" What decision? Why is she being so difficult about this? Is she trying to hang onto something, that when all my stuff is gone, she will realize the finality of it all? No, I'm not going to worry about it, just seems so odd that she was in such a hurry to get me out of the house, but now is dragging her feet on me being out completely. Then she asks me if I want the kids all weekend. I told her I would take them as much as I can, but since YOU filed the RO, I can't jeopardize my freedom. That woman could drive me nuts if I let her.

lhs - I fully understand your analysis of where you're at at the moment: for all practical purposes, you're already in Plan B.<p>I was there once, too.<p>The subtlety that some, including me, don't understand about Plan B until they do it is that you are taking control of yourself.<p>What I mean is this: your wife decided to be separated and you had no choice. In Plan B, YOU'RE deciding to STAY separated and she has ONE choice. Get it?<p>It's more the symbolism for you than anything else. You are making a decision when you want to that controls your status in the situation. You will not have felt more liberated since you decided to stop wearing underwear [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] .<p>WAT