I am confused.<p>1 1/2 years ago, my H and I were having some tough times but I thought they were due to having teenagers, in-law problems, a hectic job, starting a business and becoming middle-agers. We had descended into a horrible spiral and were really rude and inconsiderate to each other. I confronted him and asked him if he wanted to stay married and he said yes but things did not change. I love my husband and have always loved him. It's just that it feels like I am the one to bring up "Mushy Stuff". I feel as though I am carrying the load of our marriage health. He was becoming a middle-aged man.<p>A year ago, I discovered my H's e-mails to his partner who was going through her 2nd divorce. In the discovered e-mail, she admitted her infatuation with him for the last five years (before her second marriage) since they had met in Grad-school. She said that she wanted to finally get it off her mind and was somewhat embarrassed how she gawked at him and mentioned how she asked others on how he rated with other women. After she realized that he did not want a relationship with her, she encouraged him to share his feelings with his new sister/ friend. He did this over a few months and shared personal info with her about our. Other partners also participated with the rating evals and did nothing to encourage my H to work on his marriage.<p>This business partner somehow realized that my H was infatuated with an employee who is younger and single and confronted him about it. Apparently, there was some "chemistry" and some flirting between my H and the co-worker concerning how he attracted clients and how NICE he looked. He shared with the coworker that he was planning on divorcing me and that that was why he was in such a bad mood at work. He also invited her to join the new business as a partner. He says he never publicly voiced his desires to the coworker and that she is innocent of his infatuations. I find it hard to believe that she could not have known on some fundamental level especially after I found out that she had broken up with her boyfriend just before I found the e-mails. The business partner encouraged him to pursue his True Love since it felt to her that there was something fundamentally wrong in his marriage.<p>When I discovered the e-mails, my H said that it was not that serious since he did not have sex with anyone. I felt devastated, humiliated, a nothing. It was and at times still is a horrible nightmare that I keep waking up to. I feel that the betrayal of couple info and the lies about who he was waiting to e-mail on the computer destroyed the trust in the safety of our marriage.<p>We started going to counseling. This was a good thing and it started our lines of communications. This is still painful at times since he is still reluctant to discuss the Emotional Affair(s) and share with me how this could have happened and the details of his emotions.<p>It turns out after we started talking that the business partner had trouble with relationship boundaries , professional or otherwise and it was impacting the business. So, by this time my H decided to cut off contact with her. This was very painful since it meant that he would have to leave the other business and all that he had worked for so long. I felt relieved that she was out of the picture.<p>The co-worker is still in the picture. My H says that I should not feel worried about her still working in the same office as he since she does not know about his feelings towards her. He says he knows of no way to not have some contact with her since she is a vital part of the business and is friendly with all the employees. He says they have a good team and would hate to wreck that comraderie. He said that he loves me and learned how his actions hurt me and our little family.<p>I told him that I am uncomfortable with him having any contact with her even if she is innocent of knowing his feelings. This EA hurt so much and even though I know it was a symptom of our marriage and we are working on our relationship health, I still feel hurt and betrayed about thinking about it. I believe it is called a Love Buster.<p>I suggested that he get a new job and he said that he was just getting to the top and didn't want to have to rebuild his career again.<p>I then suggested that he start a new business and allow the other employess to join if they wished but not to include the coworker. He liked the idea of a new business. Then he says that how would it look to have the boss not allow one employee join the new business when it happens? What would his coworkers think about the boss then? What would they think about him especially if his wife was working in the new business?<p> I was willing to allow him to work with her as long it was a temporary situation and as a transisition to something else. But I am not sure that I can handle this much longer. I feel that I should start looking for a job and not put my efforts into starting the new business. (This was always a goal of mine to work with my husband and start a new business.)<p>I don't know anymore. I am confused. I want to be a good role model to my kids. I want to be true to what I am feeling. I want to be fair as to how and who this affects. I know I love my husband and know that he has great business potential. I know that I would be an asset to it as well.<p>Somehow, I feel as though we are not in recovery yet. It seems as though there is a third person in our marriage even though he says he is not infatuated with her anymore. This is very frustrating and I am confused.<p>I would appreciate any advice to my situation. I have read Dr. Harleys books, columns and articles and I have not found anything about a silent OW in an EA.<p>Signed, Still Confused
