This hurts--I live overseas with my military husband. I since I left to reunite with my WH, I called my mom on her birthday and for Mother's Day. The sum of the phone calls: "Are you happy there? Are you SURE? Is he at least being civil to you?" <p>I have written a couple of times. My mom and dad do not respond to letters. At Christmas, I sent a gift. About two weeks after Christmas, I got a package, a plain unwrapped box with a couple of pairs of pajamas for my son and my Grandma's cookbook in it. Merry Christmas.<p>My mom is SO angry with my husband for cheating on me. My parents both loved and adored him like a son of their own--in fact they loved him more than me. When they made out their will, my oldest brother and my husband stood to be placed in charge of their estate. My husband was a dream come true for them--someone with a smart head on his shoulders to take care of their crazy daughter. He is educated, successful, goodlooking (new Irish genes in the family) and suposedly, he really loved me.<p>When I moved back home and eventually had to admit the truth to my parents about what was happening to my marriage, the first thing my mom said "What did YOU do to make your husband go to another woman?" (See, I have always been pretty much a screw-up in my mom's eyes.)<p>When I moved out to my own apartment, my mom helped me move. While I was making a trip to the new place, she got into the hardcopy letters from my husband concerning his affair--him telling me that the only reason he didn't leave me a long time ago was that I was the mother of his son, and one flat out saying that he "didn't f***ing love me," ect. (Obviously fog letters.) My mom cried. <p>When the time came that my husband wanted to get back together with me, my mom forbid it. They had spent a lot of money setting up with my own home and taking care of my son while I worked. I went against their wishes and just took off. I phoned my dad from Japan and asked him to pick my car up at the airport.<p>What do you think? Will I ever have a relationship with my parents again?

Bump^

My mother and step-father and I have discussed this quite a bit. They are VERY angry at my H and are honest with me about that. AT the same time, they definitely know their boundaries with me when discussing it, because I have let them know when their angry outbursts toward my WH get to the point of hurt for me. <p>One thing I have found throughout my A experience is that I can apply the Love Bank and Love Buster theories to everyone in my life. When I let my parents know that some of the things they said to me about WH were hurtful, I did so in a very non-LB way and without judgements. They respected what I said and know not to push me. It's really amazing, as I've argued with my parents my whole life and we have recently become closer than ever. I changed the way I speak to them, and as a result, they changed the way they speak to me. Amazing stuff. <p>So yes, I can relate to what you're saying to a degree. My parents and I have discussed what will happen if/when my WH and I get back together. They have admitted it will take a great deal for them to trust and love him again (they used to ADORE him!) but said they are willing to work on it. <p>Hope that helps!

Hello Bernzini,<p>I am not sure that I can be of help to you, but I am the MIL of a WDIL whom I loved as I would another daughter. We were very close for 8 years before her A. Even now, I don't hate her although I do resent the damage her choices have done to my S and grandson and to herself, for that matter.<p>Unlike your mother, however, I would never consider telling my BS son what to do or belittle him for his choices. My husband and I have definitely given our opinions and the reasons behind them, but it is not our place to pressure him in decisions that are this serious and personal. Our main role has been one of support.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>When the time came that my husband wanted to get back together with me, my mom forbid it. <hr></blockquote><p>For example, I can't imagine a parent "forbiding" an adult child to do anything, much less work on her M.<p>The fact that you did what was best for your M, returning to your H, is the first step in a new relationship with your parents. Your new relationship will be adult to adult, not parent to child. Like you mom, I have cried buckets of tears. But I have also read Surviving an Affair, Forgive and Forget, Torn Asunder, and other books in an attempt to understand how my DIL got herself into this lousy situation and how to deal with it. I have learned so very much from the people here on the forum, and have practically memorized the info on this site. I also understand the role my S played in the state of the marriage before the A (which he has taken full responsibility of).<p>For some reason, your parents are into treating you like an incompetent child, not an adult. When they provided for you, that reinforced their belief that they were in charge of your life.<p>I would continue to contact them as a women who is confident that she knows the choices that she is making are the best ones for her. I would continue to behave in a loving, respectful manner. Acknowledge to them that you know that they love you, that they are very hurt by their SIL's action, that you appreciate their concern for your M. Then make it clear that in spite of that, you are the only one who will be making the decisions relating to your M. I suggest that you recommend SAA to them and also this web site.<p>In time, after they have time to reflect on the fact that you are an adult who is responsible for her own decisions, maybe they will adjust how they relate to you. <p>You did absolutely the right thing by returning to your H. Your parents/mom have a control problem. They continue to treat you like their little girl who can't be trusted to make decisions on her own. Stay strong and independent. I hope that they learn to treat you like the competent adult that you are. I wish you the best in your recovery. If I can help further, let me know.<p>Estes

Thankyou Venus and Estes, you both have brought me a lot of comfort. It makes me sad that my family is so divided now.<p>Venus--it's great that you have such an comfortable relationship with your parents and can bring this to them for their counsel. I guess part of the reason that I am so upset is that I have never had this.<p>Estes--have you been with or talked to your DIL since you have found out what was going on? Were you comfortable speaking with her? Would it be difficult, were your son and DIL to reunite (if they haven't) for you to carry on your relationship with her? Would you try to discuss it, or would you leave all the discussion in the hands of your son? Do you WANT them to get back together?<p>I know you only want the best for your children and to see them happy. I don't know what I would do if this happened to one of my beautiful girls someday--I would probably be less than cordial to any man that would break her heart.<p>Thanx, Mary

Hi Mary, I will go back and familiarize myself with your story. In response to your questions:<p>1. ...have you been with or talked to your DIL since you have found out what was going on?
DIL moved to another state where OM is. I have seen her four times. The two times were short interactions. I flew to her town to pick up grandson for awhile and flew right back home. Then, she flew to pick him up. The third time, I spent an afternoon with her, S, and GS. The fourth time they spent the night here when S was driving DIL and GS back to her new home. I have talked to her a few times on the phone. A few emails.<p>2. Were you comfortable speaking with her? I didn't feel angry or sad, but I felt guarded and continue to feel that way mostly because she is still a threat to my S and GS's happiness. I had thought a lot about the best way for me to behave so as not to increase the tension in their situation. I wasn't about to do anything to make things more difficult. It was not the way it used to be. She has had a whole new set of experiences and was not the same person I had known. It was strange because she looks like the person I knew, but yet, she is not that person anymore because of the choices she has made. She won't ever be the same person she was. It is like another person is in her body. Anyway, we visited, talked, were cordial to each other, but there was an invisible wall between us.<p>3. Would it be difficult, were your son and DIL to reunite (if they haven't) for you to carry on your relationship with her? No, I would not have a problem relating to her. However, just as their old M is gone, so is my original relationship with her. We will not be close like we were, because I know what she is capable of and I will not trust her. However, I can see us having family times together again.<p>4. Would you try to discuss it, or would you leave all the discussion in the hands of your son? I would never want to discuss this with her! Her actions have nothing to do with me. Thanks to MB, I understand what has motivated her to do the things she has done. It has caused tremendous damage. She knows it has. Whether she and S get back together, it would serve no positive purpose to discuss this with her. I did write her in the beginning that I didn't know who she was anymore and that she would have to live with the consequences of her choices, but didn't bring up any specifics. That is the only time I have said anything to her about what she did. I didn't know about the A yet, just that she had left home and taken GS away. <p>5. Do you WANT them to get back together?
I wish with all my heart that we could turn the clock back to a year ago and see them in counseling rather than have her choose an affair as a solution to her problem. Their young family was our family's future. Yes, I want them back together if it is a healthy recovery. In all honesty, DIL is not changing and I fear that too much damage has been done for there to be much hope. To be realistic, what I want at this point is a resolution to their situation that my S can be at peace with. He has given up his job and moved to be with her. She then told him to get his own place. At least he is in the same town as his little boy. They are in counseling. OM, who is her HS sweetheart, lives in the same apt complex as she does, and she is still in contact with him. She suffers from depression, abuse issues, and may be bipolar. Even if they don't get back together, I will still maintain contact with her becasue of GS. So I intend to remain polite and nonjudgmental with her. I will keep my opinions to myself.<p>I admire your choice to do what you think is right for your marriage. Good luck with your efforts.<p>Estes<p>[ January 19, 2002: Message edited by: Estes49 ]</p>

Bernzini,
See that saying below my signature? My Dad wrote that to me after I told him I was getting a divorce and to please forgive my X and treat him as nicely as always..He did..<p>Those words he wrote...I've kept them in my heart, especially since Dad passed away as the definition of a Christian. I try but rarely live up to them..but it's a goal.<p>Parents, kids, lovers, friends, self..none of us are perfect..more important to forgive.
T