I've been here for awhile now-as a WS looking for recovery, thinking all the time at least my H didn't cheat ON me. Well, guess who got shocked tonight?<p>Seems that when he left last year, he left with the intention of taking up a relationship (he says no sex--but did admit to kissing, probably a lot of grabbing, knowing him) with someone he met on a job. He was really going to divorce me and have a full-blown WHATEVER. However, very shortly after he left me, she was deported. (HA! Can we say 'green card needed'?) He was gone three weeks total, then came home. He refuses to see this as an affair--because it was a year ago and they didn't have sex. So I guess when my a is more than a year over, I'll be absolved? Didn't think so. And I only did oral sex, does that change anything? Another nope, I guess. <p>How can I know if he thinks of her when he's with me, wishing she was still here? I don't think he's tried to reconnect with her but this knowledge is killing me now. This is one of those times when ignorance would be bliss. I guess this is my penance (some of it, anyway) for being a WS. Now I'll never know if he came back because he does love me or because it went phhht elsewhere. I don't even want to sleep with him tonight. But then again, I want to crawl into his arms and assure myself that he does love me. I'd rather be an earthworm that reproduces alone and needs no one else!<p>Karma sucks.

diddallas,<p>Perhaps it is time for a little honesty of your own. I don't know why your H confided this to you, but I suspect it isn't because he wants out of the marriage. I suspect it is because he senses the marriage needs a dose of honesty to change the way things are.<p>Just some things to think about. I am sorry for your pain and I wish I knew something to say to you to take it away.<p>God Bless,<p>JL

JL,
Thanks so much for the kind words. I am much better this morning--I think mainly because I dreamed I hunted her down and kicked her frickin' a**. It was just a shock I guess because I didn't realize it was a two-way thing--I had been thinking all this time that it was one-sided on his wishful thinkin' side. <p>He didn't just come up and tell me, we were talking about some things and I used his EA as an example to explain what an EA was...of course, he doesn't agree. <p>He's home and I know he really loves me---he turned to her because I truly wasn't meeting any of his needs.

diddallas,<p>Are you meeting his needs now? I guess I am confused, you said you were talking about his EA and he brought this up. I understand he doesn't think of this as an affair. <p>My question to you is where do you stand with regard to your A? Is it done with? I realize you haven't told him about it, but I guess where are you in your recovery. Unfortunately, it can only be YOUR recovery as he doesn't have a clue right?<p>Are you better with all of this diddallas? I will admit this has me abit confused. <p>God Bless, <p>JL

A good night's sleep and some hard thinking did improve my mindset dramatically. I guess it was just a shock to me since I had convinced myself that 'she' really didn't have any interest in him--that it was a one-sided deal on his part.<p>My A has been over for a while now and I feel so lucky to have come to my senses before it destroyed my marriage. I understand about honesty and everything but I have made my decision not to confess to my husband for my own reasons. I make every effort possible to not even think about the OM and concentrate on my marriage and meeting my h's needs. I think I do okay--he seems much happier now than a few months ago.<p>His argument is that unless there is sex involved, there is no affair. I have let the subject drop with him but I kind of think if you are plotting with someone else to leave your spouse and take up a new relationship, whether you have sex or not, that is an affair! I think if the shoe was on the other foot, he'd see it my way. [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>JL, thank you for your support. It's such a comfort to know that even if we here don't always agree, we do care and listen.