How mcuh time do BS's need to reach recovery.
I have never posted my entire story here but maybe I should because ALOT of you are very smart and I could use your help with my next move.<p>I met my H when he was 19 and I was 21. I was newly divorced with two small boys. Three months into our Relationship, I found out that he was not 20 turning 21 in 4 months, but a young 19. I was so shocked, I had already fallen head over heels for him. I forged ahead. He said that he lied because he did not think that I would have given him the time of day. I probably wouldn't have. Our relationship moved slowly for the first 1.5 years due to cirumstances that I only found out after I confessed to my affair. Things were not good in that year, but I was so in love with him. He was having visits with his X in that time. I was not allowed to have anything to do with their friendship (that is what H calls it), and it made me feel completely crazy. I welcomed the opportunity to go for coffee with them; what was the big deal? Would not happen. I also found out that he told her about me, but not about my two sons. He said that he was scared what she would think. I broke off the relationship and told him that I cannot change who he is or who he wants in his life but that I could not accept him having two seperate lives. The split was for about one week and he came around saying that he chose me. End of that problem. Well, he was always a drug user (pot) and it was his recreational activity. I did not do it, so I was easily excluded at parties, movie night.... sitting around with a bunch of stoners... yes they were having fun, but there was no connection for me. I must say, I tried to include myself so I could be a part of it but it put me to sleep within 5 minutes. So, end of doing that with him too. Now I moved in and things would be better. Some weekends we would go one hour north to visit friends for an "overnighter" but some weekends he would go on his own. He would simply come home from work on a Friday, shower, and say "See Ya". That hurt too. Once, I had just come out of having day surgery and I was at home for the week to recover. He came home/left and I was stuck to care for myself. I did not think that I should feel so crappy after the surgery, so I called the doc. I had an infection and needed anti-biotics, but the pain was so bad, i could not leave the couch. I called my sister and her husband and they "came to my rescue". They took care of me.
He says " I love you and I am sorry".Same thing happened when I had 4 wisdom teeth removed on a Friday morning. He was gone at 5 that day. I love you and I am sorry. Well this entire time, I was there waiting for him to welcome me into his life. After being together for five years, we married. It has been the same typical lifestyle the entire time. Well, after all the little things that have happened, I am sorry does not mean anything to me and I love you is basically three words that should not exist. If you love someone, you do not have to say it. You can show it. I LONGED to have a child with him. Well, we have had unprotected sex for 6 years and nothing has happened. I asked him to get tested so we can start a family, but he was in denial the entire time. He told me one night in bed that we would no be having children. I sprung up and said GENTLY..."Isn't that something we should decide as a couple?" He fell asleep without answering. I cried myself to sleep. I would never push the issue, but I wanted to be a part of the decision making. So, since revealing the A he has completed his testing on his own-- sperm count of .5 per 5mg ....doc says not alot of hope naturally, but we can be artifically insemenated immediately as the few swimmers he has are all healthy guys. WOW.. would have liked to known that 5 years ago.
Well, I am ambitious, always had to inspire him to cut the grass, do anything. Maybe that is because of the pot...... Well after being here for him (he says that too) and having an INCREDIBLE relationship with his entire family, I have had an affair. I know why it happened. This man was there for me. He listened; he made me laugh; he was there with me to experience life's adventures.... only for a short 7 days of in person to person contact.... It has shown me what my marriage could be like. I was feeling so high for those 7 days... and feeling so low for what I had done.... feeling so empty because what I was going home too.....feeling so high when we talked. No high energy needed to feel good around each other. It honestly came naturally. My H has been GREAT with admitting to his faults, and he has told me time and time again.. now that he has quit smoking pot, he does not understand why I stuck around. He thought I was alot smarter than that. He does not deny 1 thing that I have said that hurts me. He says there are alot of things he would change in a heartbeat about his past... all except meeting me. I feel his words are genuine but I carry the hurt. I have now found out that when he was visiting his X, he was trying to win her back. Says no kissing, no nothing, but it did not work out. I was second pick. He said that he was in love with her for the first 1.5 years we were together. So all those gut feelings that I had were coming true and I don't feel so crazy feeling the way I did. For 8.5 years, I have thought of this woman every time we made love. Lovely, hey? Since he told me that, I have not thought of her once. Amazing how the mind works. So now, H is hung up on the A -- I am unsure if he will change, and he is really good at angry outburst.....Oh and one other thing. It drives me crazy..... I sat and told him what I am not happy about... I asked him to do the same.....TWO THINGS.... not enough sex..... doesn't like that I raise my voice to the kids ......... has nothing else to complain about. I think he is lieing. <p>Presently, no communication with OM. My H is hung up on the gifts that the OM has sent me. I have removed every reminder of him from my house. H still does not know if he wants me. Doesn't know how he feels/ if he can get over what I have done. Well, I have some issues to get over too...I am here. I want to try. I am on this site printing things off for him (which he likes)... but he is not making any effort to work on this. I am beating my head against a brick wall. I have asked him to move in.... nope. <p>What do I do? I am the WS... saying "HELLO... can we start having a life now? Can we start living.. can we start loving and caring for each other the way we should have been for the last 8.5 years?" "I HAVE BEEN WAITING A LONG TIME FOR THIS!!!" I have decided that I want to be married to H. Now tonight, I call him... everything is going smooth.... tells me he does not know, etc.. Stupid C***sucker should come to Canada and visit you and I would like to pay him a visit too.... I am gonna beat the **** out of him....... and I popped a fuse. Started crying and said.... I give up. Crying all night... wanting my H. Can't write to him, too mad now. I need to cool off... or maybe not write..... just let him come to me.
