Just saying Hi....<p>[ January 22, 2002: Message edited by: jdmac1 ]</p>

you have mail [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] . I sent you a link. I didn't want to bring up the post of another member here... in case it may bring difficulty back in his current situation.<p>here's a little part of it... to me, this is why you don't need to have an A.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>I turned away to find myself, got lost and made the worst mistake yet. If not for my marriage, for myself. I got occupied and I'm not proud of the road I went down.<p> I wasn't aware of her feelings and treated her badly... I reached that breaking point finally. I'm over it now, and remorseful for what I did. Especially now.... <hr></blockquote><p>[ January 19, 2002: Message edited by: Faith1 ]</p>

Hey jd ~<p>I used to tell myself that my situation (having no needs filled and feeling unloved and rejected) was temporary. Sure I was trapped for the time being by my own morals - which resulted in my H being able to seek out comfort elsewhere, but left me alone...<p>But you see, this situation is NOT permanent. Either you will be divorced....and you will be free to seek a fresh new relationship....or your wife will have a change of heart. Either which way, it will be better.<p>It always made it easier for me to get through it, knowing that the future was brighter, and that I just had to hold on temporarily.<p>I also found ways to meet my own needs. I made new friends, started doing things to please myself. I have an EN for conversation....well, I found several friends, men and women, who found ME interesting and fun to talk with. You can do things like this without putting your marriage and your vows at risk.<p>You already know, that you won't like yourself very much if you let the taker out of his cage [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

JD,<p> [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] Okay, I know EXACTLY what your thinking...where your at and why. The post that D speaks above if you haven't looked at it is mine... so check your mail and click through it. Believe me that by going there that it will set you back at least 6 months to a year with your WS. I am continually reminded by my children, wife and my own guilt for venturing out to where I did not belong... <p>I am going to be calling you today to speaketh with you in person... [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] so answer the damn phone when I call, and don't avoid me... [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>For the benefit of others, if any are needing additional assistance with the thoughts of having an affair while your WS is having one... contact me via email so that I might discuss the ramifications of such actions with you.

jdmac<p>I won't tell you to not do it...I understand where you're coming from.<p>Heck---it's lonely out there...<p>But i think Bramble Rose has nailed it...I agree with everything she has said about this being temporary.<p>I think it will be easier to look in the mirror if you hang in there and don't do it, but everyone has to make their own decisions...<p>Just my $0.02<p>E

Jd,
Been there, can't rip you.<p>About 2 years after H's PA began, he left me for the 7th time. Right about this time in 2000. I'd developed a friendship with a guy, and when I discovered my H emailing the OW, even though the A had supposed to have been over since 10/99. I started seeing the OM. I also served D papers--what could be left of my marriage?<p>My H then wanted the marriage. I didn't. Not very MB of me, I'd done an 18 month Plan A, tried & failed at Plan B with the no contact, decided it was going to have to be the divorce.<p>And, the result? The OM didn't want to be the cause of my divorce, when I said I needed to stop seeing him for awhile...he was gone, actually married someone else in a couple months. My H & I reconciled....and we both have all the issues of WS & BS. <p>20 months later in recovery, things are good, but my having had that relationship made our recovery more difficult. My emotions have bounced back & forth with being BS--betrayed, loss of self-esteem, hurt, hating the OW and being WS--guilt, loss of honor, lingering feelings for the OM, and knowing that even in my own eyes, I did not do the right thing--either waiting for the divorce or continuing to hope for the marriage.<p>My advice, wait until you are legally available for a relationship. Nobody is worse at meeting needs than a WS, so to a BS, anyone can seem nicer than that. But if you hold any hope for your marriage, you will be damaging that hope if you have an A or a strong emotional bond with someone else.

well the others will give you the standard rhetoric, you could probably right it yourself....I suggest you ask yourself a question..<p>Down the road if the marriage does not work out, and you meet someone who fits you and fills you up....do you want to have to tell them....oh btw, I am an adulterer? Not only an adulterer, but a deliberate adulterer by choice..... or are you just gonna kind keep that a secret, and hope she never finds out?<p>On the other hand, you have the power now to make sure you never have to face that in the future, what appeals to you more jd..... some shallow ego stroking now, or being able to look anyone (including present spouse if ever works out) in the eye, and say you can be trusted?<p>btw for whatever it is worth, I would choose to be a bs any day, it might be painful, but you have no idea what being a ws is like....(well assuming ws has any morals and ethics that is). I don't believe any of this (bs or ws) should "destroy" anyone, it is just life....but becoming a ws is not the solution to anything, anymore than a quadruple bypass is the best way to realize you need to eat healthier and exercise more.<p>anyways if it is a ego boost you "need" to survive, than go for it, just be honest with your affair partner where you are emotionally....you can find love that way, but you might have better odds with the lottery. But I am confused, divorce is relatively simple, just a bunch of paper pushing, if you want to sample the feild, why not just divorce and do so....you can always get remarried if you both want to, it's not like anyone is dieing or anything.

JD,<p>I can honestly, from experience, say that it isn't worth it!! I have actually had 2 A's, the first for the very reason you stated, the second, I must have been out of my mind, or had a temporary split personality. Neither of them made me feel any better, after everything was said and done! In fact, this last one almost lost me everything, especially when I found out that I was pregnant. Luckily, my H loves me very much, and is now raising our D(Abbi) as if she were his in every way! The only thing that she isn't his in is biologically.<p>There are so many things that can happen, especially for a "revenge A", since it usually back-fires on the one seeking the revenge, and will most likely make you feel even worse than you did before the A.<p>JMHO,<p>Tigger4jdt

Say, could you please share the link with the rest of us? I think I remember the post but not where it is. There is nother thread going on today that could really use it <p>
About that 80% of BS`s becoming WS`s statistic... <p>Thanks<p>[ January 19, 2002: Message edited by: zorweb ]</p>

JD,<p>No ripping or shredding here!!! Just understanding. Is it justified? Not the A but he feelings are. You are and have been hurt. Over and over again. Even in the recovery process. Listen to all those ahead of us JD. They been there dun that with the emotions you, I and many others are going through. <p>Remember Redhat's BE (brunette engineer)? That BE is chasing him. Now he could run backwards but he put out a warning flag (just as you are doing) and he knows where his support is. He is not the only one. I have come here for that kind of support/reminder also. I have had several opportunities and even the OW commented on it. Hm...... [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] <p>You should not browbeat yourself. You are human and so your feelings have every right to be met as the grumbling/whinney spouses' of ours. OK? <p>Now let's work on how to keep you on track. <p>1. Keep posting here.
2. Recognize you are vulnerable
3. Pray for a clear mind and a calm heart.
4. Keep busy
5. Look out for the interests of others (children
wife, etc.)
6. Beaware of venusians on the prowl (wanna be OWs
in the making or those looking for their next
victim). Hm....... there are a lot out there
attached or not.
7. Keep your local and long distance support
groups (faith1, topie, H2Y, etc.) current. <p>Hang in there younger bro. You will be ok. Yes, this is temporary but it creeps up periodically, especially when feelings of rejecting overcome us. Kinda like anxiety attacks, it can hit at any time. <p>Hey....you can't blame this on PMS!!?!?!?!? [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] LOL!! <p>Take Care,
L.

jd - I can add only volume, not substance to what has already been said. Playing off Rosie's "temporary" argument, what you seek will likely also be only a temporary respite.<p>BTW, that rumor about me and Penelope Cruz is NOT true.<p>WAT

Zorweb and others,<p>My Post It really doesn't implicate me... but the lucidity of my emotions are there... I've tried reading it and its very hard for me to read, I can't.

jd,<p>are you ready to let your marriage go? <p>if you are you know what you need to do, if not well you have a great support system here.<p>don't really know all your story but what if you told your wife these things.<p>isn't that why so many of us are this ugly mess, is that our WS didn't tell us what they were feeling until to much damage had been done.<p>just my 2 cents for what little they are worth<p>i really want to say something about Dave's rumor but I will be nice

I had to jump on this,<p>JD,<p>I don't know what this thread has done for you but it sure helped me.<p>Thank you all for the direction. This came from a post on this site, that I drug into my thread, because I was feeling the same way. <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>If I wanted celibacy I'd have gone into the seminary. I want someone to appreciate me, give me attention and take care of my needs. I hope that person is her. If it's not, I'll find someone that will (though not an A).<hr></blockquote>I'm glad to see this thread. It has helped me a great deal.<p>Thanks
Rev

<p>[ January 22, 2002: Message edited by: jdmac1 ]</p>

JD [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] ,
that's what we're here for. <p>Bumping up for zorweb... H2Y posted the link I was referring to above. It's very emotional and desparate, but to me, is an example of the devastation of doing the "one thing we hate". Devastation to ourselves, our loved ones, and to our relationship with God....

Hehehe I just wanted to say, I understand too and boy oh boy do I wish I could have an A too!
I am just mad, and I am neglected, I want to be special, I want to be loved, afresh, without feeling I am just being loved because he got stuck with me.<p>He really disgusts me right now.<p>I don't know if I will ever be happy again.<p> [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]