I read "Surviving an Affair" - we are Jon and Sue. For those of you that haven't read Sue had an EA with single man. Except my WS OM is married, which I am taking that as a positive thing. Anyway my D-day was 12/12/01 so I am only 5 weeks. I am still a newbie, new developments every day. Someone coined it as a rollercoaster ride, they were right. I instituted plan A as soon as I figured out what a plan A was. I had to, I was not meeting EN's of the most important person in the world to me. I did not know that until now, ofcourse it was too late. The A got going good when I traveled away on business. Now my out of town committments are over for a while and I caught her in a couple of lies. Now she wants to leave. I am not 100% convinced its just to be with OM, she saw some changes in me that she did not expect and she says she is confused about what to do. So in the book the H (Jon) helps the WS move, buy furniture, etc. That is plan A stuff. We are still friends at this point, I got some advice earlier on what we should do with the kids so we are atleast exploring that. But I dont feel ready to give her the plan B letter just because she is moving out, everything is happening so fast compared to the 3- 6 months that most people stay in plan A. What is the status quo on this one? I did have one session with Jennifer H and she predicted this would happen (she has been right about everything so far) but I did not ask her what to do if it does?

Not just no but heck no. Plan A doesn't have to end just because one of you leaves. In fact Plan A can work better in some ways because of one leaving. A lot of people will tell you that is not true. But, some of the things you are seeing her do now, you won't be able to see when she leaves.<p> It won't be as easy to meet her needs when she is not living with you, but you meet those you can. I will be the first to tell you that Plan A IS NOT OVER UNTIL YOU WANT IT TO BE<p> jd

I swear I was going to stayup all night until someone told me that. To tell you the truth even though she says she loves OM, she can tell I am trying and deposits into my love bank once in a while. That has helped me get through some of this. I am staying on plan A. Hell I think its fun, even though she is not responding. I have never been much of an affectionate person so some of my attempts are downright corny but who cares when you have nothing to lose.<p>As a side note I have been reading "The Unexpected Legacy Of Divorce" by Wallerstein It was referred to me to read and remember so that I wouldn't lose the stomach to continue on. It worked, my WS just read the forward and she had tears rolling down her cheeks. I am taking that as a positive sign. I am dealing with a fence sitter and anything that makes her fall off so that "I" catch her is a good thing. If you want a source for finding out what the long term effects of divorce is on kids this is it.

hopeto,<p>I see that you have found the Wallerstein book. Here is a link to an article from Atlantic Monthly that is enlightening. Even though it is distressing to read about the effect of divorce on kids, it is best to be informed.<p>Divorce and Kids<p>Another book you might want to read is Stupid Things Parents Do to Mess Up Their Kids by Dr. Laura Schlessinger.<p>Stupid Things Parents Do to Mess Up Their Kids<p>My BS son has continued to Plan A throughout a 10- month separation. Actually, Plan A is for you. You can't lose in Plan A. It may not save your marriage, but it has a positive effect on you forever. <p>Take care,
Estes

Hi hopeto - you've gotten good advice above.<p>Re: when to go to Plan B.<p>SAA and Jennifer will probably guide you to stay in Plan A until your love bank is nearly empty. I believe this to be the one-size-fits-all criterion, and as such, it's probably a crude estimator for a lot of situations - mine for example. If this was the only test, I'd still be in Plan A after 18 months because I know my W suffers from the loss of our son and I find compassion for her beyond that which I would if her affair were more "classic."<p>Let me offer a "less crude" test for when to go to Plan B and I encourage you to seek Jennifer's view. When I was working with Steve, I never had the notion to ask him because I was too close to my own situation to figure this out.<p>First, a refresher: Remember, Plan A and B are premised on the fact that there is nothing you can do to end the affair. This has to be done by the affairees. Interference by outsiders seems to usually have the opposite affect. The most you can do is address YOUR contribution to the poor marital environment that created the opportunity for the affair to occur. <p>Hence, Plan A. <p>In Plan A you improve yourself, hopefully eliminating the excuses your WS had to pursue the affair to begin with. You cannot PULL her back, but you can maybe SUCK her back. Understand? Of course, all the while you HAVE to avoid LBs, the Plan A kiss of death.<p>Once you have resolved and DEMONSTRATED your improvements - with hopes that your W will acknowledge them - there's little more Plan A can do for you assuming you have been thorough. All that's left is to continue avoiding those LBs.
Easy, huh? NOT!! <p>IMHO, avoiding those LBs is the toughest part and I believe is even more important than leaving some improvements lacking.<p>So, assuming your Plan A was successful in fixing and demonstrating your improvements and assuming you're separated already, why continue in Plan A if you have the daily risk of LB'ing? Just because your love bank isn't empty?<p>Now, I'll grant the nay sayers that there is probably a correlation between a near empty love bank and the frequency of LB'ing. But I'll propose that avoidance of LBs is SOOOOOO important, that a BS shouldn't wait for the needle to be bouncing on E before making a switch to Plan B. In fact, because the best Plan B comes on the heels of a strong Plan A finish, I argue that you HAVE to switch to Plan B before approaching empty.<p>IMPORTANT NOTE: Neither Plan A or Plan B should be viewed as a way to manipulate the WS. So the decision to switch to Plan B should NOT be based on its expected impact on the WS. That said, we all know that there IS a powerful impact on the WS from Plan B and we can't ignore it in our decision, but this should not be the basis for the decision.<p>So, here's WAT's Plan B decision test:<p>Switch to Plan B when either of the following conditions exists:<p>1. Your love bank is empty, you are separated and you cannot avoid LBs (pretty much the classic MB criteria), or<p>2. You have demonstrated your Plan A improvements and you are separated, regardless of your love bank balance.<p>That's my story and I'm sticking to it. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]