I am numb. My H got the call from her mom last Wednesday. He is in shock and does not know what to do. <p>There is something wrong with the baby and they think it will die. But, we don't know. My H has not talked to OW, just her mom.<p>She was just about to miss her 2nd period when my H sent his no contact letter, and she did like he said, she didn't contact him, but MY GOD, she was pregnant!!<p>She was just gonna go raise his daughter 2,000 miles away and not tell him, if it weren't for her mom...<p>I am just in shock. I need to tlak to someone. I yelled at my H, said some horrible things when he talked about bringing OW back in our lives (in terms of the baby, but having to see her and deal with her). I apologized, but it was really bad...<p>I told him that best case is the baby survives, I adopt it and we raise it together. Slim, but possible, OW cannot care for the baby...<p>I have such mixed feelings, I don't want my H's baby to die, but, if it lives...<p>In a way, I suppose God knows best. If we had known about this months ago (at the start of recovery), we would not have gotten very far...<p>My H is just in complete shock. His child is dying, but it's with this woman he hates, but now he feels so sorry for getting her pregnant...<p>I told him I want to go to the funeral with him.<p>My H said he will get a seperation before he would hurt me again by bringing OW back into our lives. And, if it lives and she doesn't give it up, that is our scenario...<p>Oh man, why us?? It hurts so much.<p>Jo, I know you've been through this, please call me. I paged Orchid, but she is not around. I need to cry to someone.<p>HbH

hurtbyhubby,<p>I will give you my cell number. I will pray for you and your H and OW too. Take refuge in the Lord, HE will calm you down and show you the path. You are doing it right by standing there for your H. He is also hurting and confused right now, be there for him and talk w/ him. No LB please.<p>Orchid's cell is either turned off or busy. Hope she get in touch w/ you.<p>I will have to go to get ready for Sunday night Church.<p>[ January 20, 2002: Message edited by: redhat ]</p>

hbh,<p>I am so sorry to hear this. Just as things seem to be getting better. If you would like, email me. Hope you know I'm here for you.<p>It seems that you are your H have made some decisions, but give it a bit of time before moving on any of them. Don't act in this state of shock.<p>{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}

HbH,<p>I am sorry for this awful news. I will try and call in a while. I just opened MB and saw this msg. RH, thanks I already have her #. <p>L.

Hi guys. Thanks for the support. Redhat, I saw your post earlier, but my H is home, so it is difficult...<p>Orchid, I have to leave at 6 to get my kids, but maybe later tonight?<p>Zorweb, I don't know what we've decided. I'm just rambling. I told my H the same thing about not making decisions while we are in shock. We find out on Tuesday if the baby has definately passed away. I can't wait that long!! I am not going to sleep tonight. <p>I can't believe this is happening, I just can't. Does the nightmare ever end? The affair cost us so much already, now this, I just. I'm losing it.<p>The thought of that woman having sex with my H is bad enough, but to think she is carrying his baby.<p>I'm so mad at him. How could he be so stupid? We knew it was a possibility months ago, but she said she got her period, so...<p>Thanks, Zorweb, I may email you later tonight when I can't sleep. <p>HbH

Who's the name of that person who's wife had a baby and they are in recovery? I would really like to speak to them, but I can't remember their username and I don't know if they are even here.<p>Oh no. I just realized I'm going to be in the car alone for an hour driving. Damnit. That's when the bad thought come, but I'm not letting them this time, I know better, but it's the worst place to be. <p>I do have a cell, could someone talk to me while I'm driving, I really don't want to be alone right now.<p>I don't have anyone except you guys. I'm not supposed to talk to anyone about the affair anyway, how could I talk to them about this? I wish I could bring my computer with me, or my husband, but he won't have anything to do with his parents, and that's where I have to get the kids from...<p>Okay, I know, I'm rambling again, just crying my eyes out.<p>My husband said he didn't think it would be good for me to go to the funeral, but I feel like I have to, how can I not? I know it's his issue, but he's there with her, in this situation, oh damn.<p>Okay, I have to get ready to go now. I will post more later.<p>HbH

Hey... C A L I... here...<p>Big Hugs to you... I have your # somewhere... will try to find it...<p>As for couple in recovery... I think the woman is tigger4jdt... ?<p>Remember... no decisions in strong emotions and take it to God first...<p>Prayers,<p>C A L I

Been moving stuff and just signed on, HbH.<p>What news, I'm so sorry. I know the emotions you're feeling, hon. It's a unbelievable discovery all on it's own. <p>I would say you and H should not try making any decisions regarding OC. There are so many possible future scenarios at play here right now. You should spend time simply getting thru the shock. It is tough, I do know.<p>Main thing I would say is pray that this baby will be okay. Regardless of how she/he got here, they are an innocent party, as you are HbH.<p>For now, Honey, only talk to your H about how each other "feels", be calm and understanding of one another, this is affecting him in the same way it affects you. Don't try and make ANY plans regarding the OC right now. Just be a TEAM, make it safe for each other to express your feelings in a respectful way. I'm sure he feels massive guilt which can be menacing if you're not there for him, and he for you.<p>Another thing HbH, try not to lump all that has happened to you and H as one big mess (i.e. Discovery, A, Recovery) The discovery of pregnancy/OC is an issue all by itself for now. And now, of all times, is when you and H should pull together. <p>I really feel for you sweetie. You can get thru this, unfortuntely these things happen. They just do. Blaming anyone won't help matters, which I know you know.<p>Can we talk on the phone, HbH? I know you're thrashing in an array of emotions right now. Please be kind to your H, he and mostly you have worked so damn hard, this doesn't have to eclipse all your efforts, it will only if you let it.<p>I can't emphasize enough how you and your H need to pull together on this and use POJA. It's needed more than ever right now. Do your best to not exclude him from your feelings, and don't shut him out, don't be guarded. Things like this can, at times do, make a couple even closer. It all depends on how you react to them.<p>Please do email your number, or give me your addy and I'll email you mine, okay.<p>You can get thru this. I believe in you. All is NOT lost.<p>Concerned for you, hon. <p>Love, Jo<p>P.S. The Pregnany/OC Board has absolutely wonderful, compassionate and experienced people on there. They can also help you with coping with this discovery. They too have been there also if you talk with Orchid, she has my phone number, she can give it to you.<p>[ January 20, 2002: Message edited by: Resilient ]</p>

this may be irrelevant, but regardless of outcome it seems only prudent to do a dna test. Tough break hbh, but you are getting good advice.

Hi HBH,<p>So sorry to hear about this most recent development. Me being the cynical sort......how reliable is OW's mother? Have either you or H or anyone reliable been able to verify this pregnancy? What exactly is wrong with this baby? The doctor must have a diagnosis to come up with such a grim prognosis. If you let me know what's wrong with this baby(I worked as an RN in labor and delivery in a large hospital for 13 years) I might be able to offer some info on what you all might be facing when she delivers. Prayers for you and H. Stay calm until you find out the whole story.<p>[ January 20, 2002: Message edited by: mthrrhbard ]</p>

Jo, I would so much love to talk to you. I am emailing you my phone number right now. I just got back from picking up the kids. <p>MTHR, here's the scoop. I don't know OW's mom, so I can't tell you. All I do know is that it seems believable if you know these people. OW has sex with my H, shortly thereafter he breaks up with her and starts working things out with me. She tells him she had her period so he thinks everything is fine (and I can only imagined sounded SO relieved when she told him). Now, I don't know if she lied, or if he really had sex with her again after that (doubt it, but you never know). More than likely I think she lied or spotted and didn't tell him because he was working things out with me. <p>Then, just about the time she can't refute the fact that she really is pregnant, my H sends her the no contact letter, and blocks her email, etc.<p>She was SUPPOSED to be at his school until December, but remember she left suddenly and my H found out 3rd hand from some mutual friends? We were just happy, but now it makes sense why.<p>I think the only reason my H got the call was because the baby is having problems. I don't know the whole story. My H is a guy and doesn't ask that stuff, he is just in shock. Supposedly, the baby is not doing well and she needs to be induced. If she got pregnant the mid to end of June how far along would that make her? But then there's all this talk about funerals and the baby dying, maybe that's just because she's not that far along, but my husband said it sounded like her mom thought the baby was already dead and she had to go in Tuesday for an Ultrasound and to be induced to pass the fetus.<p>But he just doesn't know. OW is 2,000 from her mom and us and we are just getting 2nd hand knowledge at this point. (she accepted a job out there). Her mom is not there with her.<p>I will talk to my H about a DNA test if the baby lives.<p>HbH<p>[ January 20, 2002: Message edited by: hurtbyhubby ]</p>

I am wondering if it is in fact his baby? Yes, she may have told the truth, had her period, and then slept with someone else, perhaps.<p>Just a thought. You only have the mother'word on the seven month thing, too. Maybe they are looking for someone to foot the hospital bills.

Wow, you guys... I really, really wish it was not his baby, but I can't count or even believe that right now. Yeah, maybe it will turn out that way, but, I can't hold out for it.<p>I mean, does that really happen that often where mothers pass the buck, so to speak? I really don't have any experience in this area. It just does not seem possible. I will keep an open mind, God knows I have been wrong often enough before...<p>I just know it is his baby. I can't explain it. I've always had this sixth sense (which, sometimes I try like hell not to listen to), but it is always right. I knew about my H's affairs, but just wrote it off. I knew about this, but it just didn't seem possible. She told my H about her period, we hadn't heard from her, so it seems like my fears for the past 6 months were invalid. I couldn't explain why I kept having flashes of her being pregnant. I just thought it was stress and "what if" syndrome.<p>In fact, last Thursday, I actually had an episode in the car (I was alone and this was just one of many) where I was yelling at my H for being so stupid and almost getting her pregnant (this is before I even knew about it and I shouldn't of even thought this, no logical reason why it popped into my head). Now, I know why...<p>So, I do hope you guys are right. If the baby does die though, I am not sure I see the point in doing a DNA test (unless they try to sue us). Yeah, maybe it would appease my H's guilt, but honestly, he has alot of growing up to do and this is a pretty good kick in the as*. I'll mention it, but it is his choice.<p>It's not like we'd go sending $$ blindly w/o finding out the facts first. If the baby is any less than 7 months old, then my H either has alot of explaining to do, or he'll be pretty relieved and get real angry with her. <p>Thanks again. Jo, I tried calling you, but you weren't home.<p>HbH

{{{{{{HBH}}}}}}: I am from the pregnancy/child board and am so sorry for all that you are going thru. I am 18 months d-day from learning of the affair and OC. I do not know the particulars of your struggles until this point, but it seems that you and your H are working at recovery? I know the feelings you are experiencing right now, and can only imagine what finding this out now has stirred up from the prior d-days, but you must pull from the strength that you and your H have built up till now and stand together on this. You seem to me to be very strong and smart, and handling things well for right now. Reaching out for those who can help is important right now, talking is the best thing.
If you and your H have worked this far then you can get thru this. Lean on him , ask for his help, and hold him too...my H chose to deal with that part of it on his own as I found out 2 months after the baby was born.
Visit the pregnancy/child forum if you can...it seems as if you have alot of friends here for support, and if you need a little extra, there are some great people, some with which I have become good friends with and I swear I wouldn't still be here today without them.
God Bless, hang in there, and I will keep checking in on you. Let me know if you would like to talk...
NGU

I have no first hand experience with what you're going through, although it worried me for months after my husband's affair ended that the OW would turn up pregnant. However, perhaps for your own piece of mind, you should break the no contact rule and get in touch with the OW directly to find out what the situation is. YOU call her, not your husband. As you said, it is likely that this is his child, and he needs to know what's going on, but he does not need to talk with her himself. If this was happening to me, I would feel better finding out for myself than sitting and waiting for information to come through fourth hand. If you can't bring yourself to call the OW, what about calling her mother?<p>Another thing... this may sound really, really cruel, but if this is his child and if it is stillborn, why do you feel that he should attend a funeral? Funerals are to comfort the living, after all, and what comfort or solace will any of you get from conducting a funeral in this circumstance? I would think a private (very private) service would be more appropriate and less traumatic for everyone.

Hi NGU, you are so kind. I played this scenario out in my head daily for the past 6 months, I always dreaded it, but as time passed, it got less and less likely. So, I think that is the only reason I still have my sanity...<p>We are in recovery. It took a long time and it was a hard struggle. My H still had alot of work to do in IC, but our relationship was much, much better than it had been for a long time. Things were really going well for us. Still alot of work, but we were getting there slowly... Unfortunately, I still don't trust him and all the other typical recovery things that happen in the first few months.<p>We have been OW-free for 6 1/2 months up (4 1/2 months since I believed it would not resume). Until now...<p>My H says he wants to take care of this alone, it is his problem. But I basically told him that if he just runs off and does whatever the hell he likes with no regard for us, then we are in trouble. We're a team or we're not.<p>He wanted to seperate to try and not hurt me with this (theory is I wouldn't get hurt because I wasn't directly dealing with it). But I told him that we both have to go through it, it can either be together or seperate, but it still has to happen. BUT, I sort of agree with him on getting a seperation if OW is back in our lives. I don't feel like I can deal with that. It was always my boundary. I know things are different now, but... <p>I know, rambling again. I just found out today, and I'm not making any decisions, just venting/crying/agonizing on here. Maybe I can do it, BUT I DON'T WANT TO... This whole thing just sucks. <p>My worst nightmare just keeps getting worse. I promised my H I would go to bed and cuddle him soon. I hope he doesn't mind me crying in his arms. <p>I will update Tuesday when I find out more (and tomorrow since I'm sure I'll still be freaking out).<p>HbH

Hi Charynne. My H said he wanted to go to the funeral, I was just dealing. BUT, you brought up some good ideas for me to think about...<p>It would probably be very traumatic for OW to see my H (and me if he lets me go) at the funeral anyway, so maybe I can ask if he'd like to have a private ceremony here, although I think he really wanted to see his daughter for the first/last time. It is for him to heal...<p>OW is hiding. We don't have her phone number, and I get the feeling her mom would not give it to us anyway. She doesn't want to be found. BUT, we could try, IF I really wanted to go there. <p>I doubt very much if my H would like me talking to her on my own. He thinks I am too cruel and uncaring (because I hate her and don't really feel sorry she has to go through this, yes, I feel sorry for the innocent baby - but he thinks regardless no-one should have to lose a baby like that, and I agree, even she does not deserve that, I just don't feel compassion for her). <p>Plus, it is his responsibility, not mine, so the more I think about it, the more, I would have to say I need to let him deal with it. BUT, that does not mean we can't do it together or as a team (which is what I am striving for).<p>So far, so good on sticking together. But, it has only just begun.
HbH

{{{{{{HBH}}}}}}I will post to you tonite as I have 3 small children and one doesn't let me get on the computer but for a minute...and there is no school today! I would like to respond to your last post to me with our handleing of the OC...but unfortunately there is a person who posted only recently on the forum who only has room in his/her heart to hurt with thier point of view and words and these are the times I cannot post there.
I think you are doing great! Keep up the connecting with your H as it can only strengthen what I can see has already been established. Again, let me know if you want to talk...heres another hug to get you thru the day...
{{{{{HBH}}}}}}
NGU

{{{HBH}}} I'm so very very sorry for this new tragic turn of events for you. I don't have any advice, as I have no idea of the pain this has brought you. All I can say is my prayers are with you. You're handling it all so well. I can just hear the love you have for your H in your words. I hope your H can see it as well. You take care and know that all of us are thinking of you and praying for you.<p>MOM

Hello,
I do know the whole story because I am from the pregnancy/child board. I know how you feel. My H had an affair and OW had a baby back in October. She has not contact my H and we really do not know what is going on . She told everyone it was my H and asked for help about some bills back in March and after he payed them she told her parents and they have been helping her since then. She admitted that she slept around but stopped in Janurary, when she got pregnant and the only one that she slept with was my H.<p>My H found out about her having the baby through a friend and he called her she hung up on him. He left a message asking her to get together and get an DNA test to see if the baby is his and then he will take finacial responsibilty for OC. She never called him back. Why I do not know. <p>You not alone!
Dawn<p>[ January 21, 2002: Message edited by: Dawn71 ]</p>