HbH,<p>I emailed you this morning. Did you get it, Hon?<p>Jo

Conception around the mid to end of June would make her about 32-34 weeks of a 40 week term pregnancy. Premature babies, with nothing else wrong with them, have a VERY high survival rate these days, when born at that gestation. Depending on what's wrong with this baby,that optimistic picture could change,and it could change dramatically.<p>If people are on the up and up and seem believable as you mentioned, then they shouldn't have the need to be evasive and secretive.There would have to be some motive to be less than forthcoming. I would press them on any attempt to not divulge the entire story willingly.This is afterall supposed to be his baby too. I agree that "no contact" should be relaxed at this time so that H can get to the bottom of this. That's what will reduced your pain and suffering over this.....the truth.To let this go on in uncertainty is to waste emotion and energy that could be better spent focused on the recovery. Get to the bottom of it quickly so that you can BOTH come up with a plan to deal with it. I think it is ridiculous that he wants to separate to deal with this. Recovery is about going the tough things together.<p>If there is even the slightest possibility (I think there is always a possibility)that you and H might be asked to pay medical bills, I would get a DNA test even if the baby doesn't live.<p>Don't let this blur your recovery HbH, get the full, clear picture!!!! All the best to you.

Hi everyone. MOM, thanks for the well wishes and prayers. My H needs it more than me right now though. <p>Jo, I got your email, just wrote you back.<p>Dawn, thanks for your story. I have always prayed OW would drop off the face of the earth, and she did, but now she is back with OC. It helps to hear I am not alone.<p>NGU, I will be waiting for your reply. I am really interested. I don't think my H would be okay with no visitation, but honestly, if the kid lives 2,000 miles away with its mother... I wish he could see how it would affect our marriage. I don't want to be cruel, but, it's all so tough...<p>Thanks everyone. Kind of down today. Lots of anxiety attacks. My H is not doing good either. We are awaiting the dreaded phone call tomorrow where we find out if the baby is dead or they will induce to try and save her, or more anxiety and turmoil to come if she lives (and happiness eventually).<p>I don't know what I want anymore. I just want God to handle it as he sees fit. I know I may not like it, but at least he knows best as difficult as it is to see...<p>I just keep thinking that maybe God knew my H needed more of a wake-up call to accept his affair and its ramifications, or maybe OW did, or it is his way of getting me away from a man that will always hurt me (if we seperate), or if this baby lives it will have a big purpose in life, or whatever the outcome, I know it is his will.<p>It's just so hard to ACCEPT it!! Did you guys see my poem over on the Valentine thread? What did you think? I really liked it. I almost wonder if I should give it to my H, it wasn't that bad. What do you think?<p>Thanks for all the hugs, I really need them today.<p>HbH

Thanks MTHR, that makes her further along than I thought, so you are right, there is a much higher premie survival rate.<p>I can't believe she was due in less than 8 weeks and didn't tell us.<p>I am not sure if they are really being secretive or if my H just isn't asking cuz' he was in shock when he talked to them last.<p>This info really helps. Hey, you never know, she may come back and say she is only 24 weeks or something, but maybe that wouldn't be so good either if my H was the father... LOL<p>HbH

HBH: not that I have any great words of wisdom...I just wanted to share how we got here, where we are regarding OC, and where we will be (hopefully)...
In July 2000 I got registered mail that OW was suing for child support/paternity. I was 5 months pregnant and had no idea of A/OW/OC.I was absolutely blindsided. Yes, we had problems in our marriage, but at that point things were going better for us. He knew of the birth of the baby, but had no contact with her hence her NEED to ask for child support in such a manner...I mean, who did she think was going to get the mail? (I am a stay at home mom...)
We are currently recovering from the affair...at a very slow rate if you ask me...sometimes I just feel as if I am getting nowhere at a snails pace...other days I feel really positive...but I guess that is all part of the process...
Anyway, during the first week of the discovery I told my H that if he found out that the baby was mistreated in anyway, we could look to gain custody. Now, looking back, I spoke too soon b/c as I see it, I'm not so sure I could handle it. I never knew OW, don't know what she looks like, is like and until about 2 months ago didn't know her voice. (She called our house and left a message, thank God I wasn't home, I should have been, but was delayed, and I'm not so sure as to what I would have said if she talked to me)...Anyway, hearing her voice put me right back to d-day emotionally, although I bounced back quicker...
Anyway, I wanted to share with you the decisions WE made (together) and how they came to be.
A few weeks after d-day I asked my H what he was going to do. He said he wasn't sure, but for the moment he wanted to work on us, so there was going to be no contact. At this point they had worked out a child support plan out of court and the case was dismissed. He asked what my feelings were, and I was reluctant to tell him as I did want to sway his judgement but he asked again. First I asked him how involved his contact would be...would he just send cards/money, or visit, or go to birthdays, ball games...he said cards for now and in the future he wasn't sure, but it would probably not be anymore than that. He wanted to work on us. I thought about it and then said..."I have tried to imagine what it would be like to be the child...and figure how I would feel in this position. As a baby it wouldn't phase me really. You would be a person from whom I would get cards and/or money from. As a young child, I would begin to wonder who this person was, sending me these things but not seeing me, and if it was explained that you were my father I would be confused. Then, as I got older and began to understand, I would be hurt that you are there for your other children but not for me. As a teen I would resent you for the fact that you did the "obligatory" thing by just acknowledging me in that way, and as a young adult that feeling would probably grow to deeper resentment for not letting me make the choice on my own as to if I want to be a part of your life. But on the other hand, if you were to remain financially responsible, and let me have a childhood without all that confusion, and I was told later in life when I would be emotionally ready to think it through, I would respect you for that."...Now this of course, may be biased b/c I didn't want him to have contact, and I'm sure that alot of his decision was based on that...but I was being completely truthful with respect to how I would have seen it if this were my life scenario. As an adult, I have the ability to know how I would react in this situation, had it been me as an OC. I know my personality at every one of those stages(except infancy of course!)...thru alot of therapy over the years for other reasons before I even met my H I had to analyze myself in many stages of my life...and think I would have been better off not having the added confusion...BUT...
In the same discussion, I said that I am only talking of MY perspective and what I believe it would have affected ME. This may be much different than how this child would see it and that would have to be HIS decision. I told him...I will not be held accountable for his decision for no contact...he said he would think about it.
He came to me later and said that he understood what I was saying and that his decision of no contact was based on alot of things, but basically he felt that for the recovery of our family, no contact was the best thing to do. He will always remain financially responsible, and although it hurts b/c the money paid out reminds me of his infidelity, and takes away from his children here at home, I agree that he needs to do at least that.
He has made no indication that he will seek contact in the future. It is more my fear than his desire. He has said to me in many ways that he would not seek contact, hasn't thought about it and that he will have to face that if the day were to come and the child came to him.
I understand your feelings of having the OW be a part of your life...I have no risk of that b/c of the fact that my H has made it very clear that he does not want that, in ways which I will not say here. It is hard for me to understand sometimes...I see the love he has for our children, and think...how could he not wonder about this kid...but he says he really doesn't think about the baby that much, that our healing is much more important to him. Once we heal will that change? I'm not sure, but I hope that if we are healed we will know how to get thru that.
I do not worry about what other people would think of his not having contact. He has put our family, myself, and our marriage first and I respect him for 1) recognizing his mistakes,(a BIG step for him b/c he didn't understand his part in alot of the problems before the affair) 2) learning and living from them, and 3)putting us as his number one priority for now.
As far as separation goes...I would wonder what that would do to your recovery...For me I would want to be there every step of the way, but as a third party...what I mean is that staying with him you will know what is going on. With my H all contact with her is thru him. She has only called once and the only reason she called our house was that she was unsure of how to get in contact with him since there were alot of changes at his company. She had tried to contact his cell phone, but he didn't check his cell phone and therefore didn't respond quick enough for her, so she found our home number and called. He called and told her she was not to call the house and that his family was a priority right now. I am okay with that b/c we have made an agreement that if she tries to contact him I will be told right away...we have made a policy of no more secrets and brutal honesty...which he has b/c of all the questions I have asked, some of the answers hurt (and she probably wouldn't have wanted me to know alot of this stuff, but she put it out there to be public knowledge for me by sleeping with my H.) I just can't help but wonder if a separation would put a distance on your relationship and recovery. You need not have to deal with her personally, but just the child, with whom others have said they have come to love the other children. I can only hope that one day if need be, I may be able to let go of this pain enough to open my heart to him...
I have rambled so much, I am so sorry. This is just my opinion and what has worked for us. Take what you will from it if it helps. I do not wish to offend anyone, but this is how we as a team have chosen to deal with this situation, but as my H said in the beginning, all things can change...
God Bless...and let me know if you want to talk further...my door is open...
Still NGU...

NGU, your story is amazing. I thank you so much for sharing it with me, it means alot and it helps to hear so many sides of the story.<p>I am okay if my H was to make that same decision, it may be the best one to make if certain circumstances come up. But, we will have to wait to see, it is good to have this information handy though.<p>We find out in less than 12 hours what happened at the Ultrasound. My H held me all night and wouldn't let go, told me he loved me 4-5 times. I told him I would be there if he needed to cry tonight after the phone call... I hope he does, he needs to get so much out.<p>I also told him the two things I need: (1) to be kept in the loop, no surprises unless he is surprised, and (2) no contact unless I am a part of it. He agreed to #1 and is thinking about #2. There is no contact now, but what I am asking him about is for the future and he should be thinking about it.<p>I don't think we could heal if we got a seperation, unless it was for monetary reasons. My H just kept saying over and over that he didn't want to hurt me anymore, and I told him that if he did the two things above, he couldn't hurt me, those are my needs right now. Yes, I would feel pain, triggers, etc. but they are from past events, not things happening today.<p>Thanks again. Just on edge today...
HbH

Goodness Hurt,
I have been following your story for a long time, and I am truly sorry about this latest turn of events.
Mthr was right about the baby survival at this gestational age. I am a L&D RN (High Risk for 17 years) I am married to a Perinatologist (High Risk OB doc). If they have been following OW closely they have had to given her Betamethezone or DEX, this increases the lung surfactin in the babys lung and enables her to breath with less complications of RDS. which sounds about what they did, since has been a 48 hour ordeal. the baby may just have IUGR (interuterine growth retardation) basically that means the baby is not growing efficently in the womb, these babies do better out. it sounds like that is what is occurring, only because they are waiting a week between scans (US), probably to see if the baby has made growth progress. If it were something MAJOR (heart/lungs/kidneys..etc..) she would have had a ton of scans by now and sent to a specialist (perinat as well as a neonatologist)when this life threatening stuff occurs there are a ton of specialist in the delivery room, everyone there to do a different job, and sometimes to rush baby to surgery if the need be. She would have had ans already, IE if the baby had an incapabilty with life. That is my opinion anyway. but I practice in a large metro city and things move fast here.if she is in a smaller town things may move alot slower.
If it is IUGR, the baby if dosed with the steriod, should do fine. I am sorry that you and your husband are going through this. Post as soon as you have a diagnosis, I will try to give you the info you need, this way you and hubby have some other input than that of a stressed out mother of the OW. Another thing, this baby does not have to be the end of your marriage, you love your husband and you two have a famiy together, you know he is NOT going to marry OW, keep your family intact, I cant imagine what you are feeling, but I pray God gives you strength
MrsDoc