For all of you who wonder who is smw and why is she here?<p>SMW is smalltownwoman. I came to MB because of 2 friends who are in trouble. Their M is in need of help and I pray for them and I hope and pray that the fog lifts for both of them and even more so I pray for their children. Along the way, I have read about, and feel like I have come to now some other people who have touched my heart as well. I do not post often because I have never been married but I have loved deeply and I have lost. I understand betrayal and lies.<p>While I continue to read MB to support my 2 friends, I search for the answer to some personal questions from this site as well as some others. I welcome any and all response to these questions, which are typed in no particular order.<p>1. A friend recently told me when I asked why I never seem to meet any decent men said I need to lower my standards. That I need to date some jerks in order to know what I really want. (Hmm? Isn&#8217;t that how I ended up being a single mom living in a town of 400? Everyone else around these parts seems more interested in sharing/swapping spouses &#8211; this is not just my opinion- and I definitely am NOT&#8230;.So. Where does that leave me?)<p>2. Most of the men I do meet seem to be into this control thing. Which I wish someone would explain to me. I know I can be independent at times but I know this is not about independence this is about dominance. It doesn&#8217;t start out that way, but it sneaks its way in starting with little things. Maybe it has to do with manipulation since I am a teacher I don&#8217;t know. Any ideas?<p>
3. This question is one another friend and I debate a lot. We both are in our early 30&#8217;s. Different backgrounds. Everything. When we take a look at a large portion of our friends we don&#8217;t see happy marriages&#8230;.We have friends in marriages less than a year old that are struggling clear up to 12 years old that just are in the process of a divorce. Everything from $ to A&#8217;s to threesomes to abortions to religion to the military to spouse abuse to whatever causing the problems. The questions&#8230;.At the start&#8230;.the very start&#8230;What is a key element to success? We both have an opinion&#8230;.but I would like to hear it from some of you&#8230;..from your hindsight/ learned experiences. <p>Thankfully we both have seen some good marriages or we would be VERY skeptical.
Her parents have been married 30+ years and I got to witness my Mom&#8217;s marriage to my Step-dad from the courtship on . Gives a girl hope!!!!<p>Now if her man would just wake up and ask her out again.

Well I'm only 26 but I have some perspective on this. Marriage is in the ending phase, it'll be 7 years next month.<p>1) I think you should definately keep up those standards. Makes no sense to me that a woman would lower them just to be with someone, anyone. Nor is it worth it just to find sexual fulfillment because that can only truly come when there are emotions involved.<p>2) I'm starting to believe that it creeps up on most men and that we need to be aware of it in order to keep it at bay. I've never considered myself a controlling person but I don't know that my wife would agree. In hindsight I can see where I fell into that trap but I am aware of that now and hope to not bring it into anything I have in the future.<p>3) Key element to success would have to be communication and wisdom. If you're not able to talk about things then you're marriage will die a slow death. You also need the wisdom to know when to leave things along, how to meet the needs of your spouse etc. I had neither of those things going into our marriage. Even though I know it now and would love the chance to correct it, I believe it's too late for us.<p>I learn more about relationships every day. It's a shame I didn't open myself up to that learning process much sooner.

smw,
Nice to hear from you [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] . Let me try to pitch in ...<p>1. You know what you are looking for, if you settle for less you will have resentment down the road. Only smw knows what will make her happy.
2. Most men are clueless ... including myself. I am not completely clueless since I have no issue at all on who is on top and do most man would not (cooking, cleaning, shooping, etc). But I could be better, lacking to show how much she means to me.
3. That is the 1M$ question. But you are at the right site .... This is MB. The key to fullfilling M is 4 gifts of love. Care, protection, time & honesty !. We could make anyone fall in love with us if we do 4 gifts of love. No LB, fillin EN(s), enough time together and don't lie .... The trick is you could do it but could he ? or would he ?. If you could find a man that you like and willing also to work on 4 gifts of love with you, you are set. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Of course you might have to move out of that small town, it is a law of probability ... 1:400 compares to 1:5M in bay area here. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]

Good point Redhat on the odds. You know it didn't seem to make much differnce when I was in college or worked in a a highly male dominated area (sporting goods - ever hear of Cabela's Inc.) so I don't know about that. LOL<p>
THANK YOU BOTH for telling me not to settle. I hear that so often around here that my standards are too high, that it is refreshing to hear it from some people who are working so hard to better themselves and their relationships. Thanks! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>This might sound crazy but coming to MB is a support for me too. What might friends here don't realize is that I have some other friends having some M problems as well. At this point, she has not asked for advice, support or anything but a listening ear. Just a year ago, a different friend went thru a divorce as a result of her husbands A. She is now in a new relationship and fearful of trusting and has on occasion asked me my opinion (which she hasn't liked). ANYWAY, since I started doing some reading here, you have each given me some insight. <p>I don't know why God has put me in this situation but I am glad He has allowed me to meet each of you. If the day comes that I am blessed enough to have a relationship of my own with a man I hope I will have learned what it takes to be a loving wife.<p>And if along the way you want to bounce ideas off me....you know where to find me...in the town of 400....thinking about her co-workers who wer discussing the oyster fry at the fire house tonight. (One was very comfortable with the topic. One was unsure of my reaction to the topic and the other very uncomfortable. I was nice and let them off the hook. [img]images/icons/blush.gif" border="0[/img] )<p>Thanks guys!

Good point Redhat on the odds. You know it didn't seem to make much differnce when I was in college or worked in a a highly male dominated area (sporting goods - ever hear of Cabela's Inc.) so I don't know about that. LOL<p>
THANK YOU BOTH for telling me not to settle. I hear that so often around here that my standards are too high, that it is refreshing to hear it from some people who are working so hard to better themselves and their relationships. Thanks! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>This might sound crazy but coming to MB is a support for me too. What might friends here don't realize is that I have some other friends having some M problems as well. At this point, she has not asked for advice, support or anything but a listening ear. Just a year ago, a different friend went thru a divorce as a result of her husbands A. She is now in a new relationship and fearful of trusting and has on occasion asked me my opinion (which she hasn't liked). ANYWAY, since I started doing some reading here, you have each given me some insight. <p>I don't know why God has put me in this situation but I am glad He has allowed me to meet each of you. If the day comes that I am blessed enough to have a relationship of my own with a man I hope I will have learned what it takes to be a loving wife. (God only knows that I an NOT above this situation and keeps strong - living here is not easy)<p>And if along the way you want to bounce ideas off me....you know where to find me...in the town of 400....thinking about her co-workers who wer discussing the oyster fry at the fire house tonight. (One was very comfortable with the topic. One was unsure of my reaction to the topic and the other very uncomfortable. I was nice and let them off the hook. [img]images/icons/blush.gif" border="0[/img] )<p>Thanks guys!

Good point Redhat on the odds. You know it didn't seem to make much differnce when I was in college or worked in a a highly male dominated area (sporting goods - ever hear of Cabela's Inc.) so I don't know about that. LOL<p>
THANK YOU BOTH for telling me not to settle. I hear that so often around here that my standards are too high, that it is refreshing to hear it from some people who are working so hard to better themselves and their relationships. Thanks! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>This might sound crazy but coming to MB is a support for me too. What might friends here don't realize is that I have some other friends having some M problems as well. At this point, she has not asked for advice, support or anything but a listening ear. Just a year ago, a different friend went thru a divorce as a result of her husbands A. She is now in a new relationship and fearful of trusting and has on occasion asked me my opinion (which she hasn't liked). ANYWAY, since I started doing some reading here, you have each given me some insight. <p>I don't know why God has put me in this situation but I am glad He has allowed me to meet each of you. If the day comes that I am blessed enough to have a relationship of my own with a man I hope I will have learned what it takes to be a loving wife. (God knows that I am vulnerable and made strong by HIM)<p>And if along the way you want to bounce ideas off me....you know where to find me...in the town of 400....thinking about her co-workers who wer discussing the oyster fry at the fire house tonight. (One was very comfortable with the topic. One was unsure of my reaction to the topic and the other very uncomfortable. I was nice and let them off the hook. [img]images/icons/blush.gif" border="0[/img] )<p>Thanks guys!

SMW,<p>I am going to get hammered for this, but I have to clarify somthing.<p>I am the one who said you had to date some jerks.<p>I never said you had to settle for one.
I certanly never said you had to marry one.<p>What I did say was you had to date some. If you don't date some jerks you can't find a good guy.<p>That is the whole point of "dateing", to sort the good guys from the morons. If you plan to marry a good guy you need to get to know (Date) him. You can't walk down the street and just pick out a good guy, and even if you could how would you or he know that it would work out or not until you spend some time (Date) togeather. You can't find a good one to marry if you don't spend some time with any of them, and you won't find a good one staying at home doing school work.<p>When I said lower your standards, I meant go out with a couple of people who you think "might" be nice. It may not work out, but your sadly mistaken if you think that you will find a suitable husband without "dateing" some jerks.<p>You can't find husband material if you don't go to the fabric store.<p>Thanks,
Rev<p>[ January 24, 2002: Message edited by: rev ]</p>

Rev, Well, I am surprised that you haven&#8217;t been creamed for your comments yet. [img]images/icons/blush.gif" border="0[/img] )<p>First, I won&#8217;t settle. Both my son and I deserve better than that. And Seeking Guidance reminds me that there are some men out there that don&#8217;t think that I need to lower them to have companionship either. I tried that a few months ago and found I didn&#8217;t like that either. I need to follow my heart regardless of how long God chooses to let me travel this road as a single parent. <p>I still don&#8217;t agree with you and wonder what others think. Right now I AM content where I am in my life and there is SO much more to it than schoolwork! <p>True &#8230;.I work hard and I put in a lot of hours there and I am a very dedicated mother but I find time for me in unique ways (as I am sure other parents on this site do as well). I am putting my faith in God that He will use those times to better me and if it is His plan - that I might meet someone. I pray that by being faithful to Him first and making Him my partner as the Bible instructs will lead to better relationships and to fulfillment later. I will add the scripture I am thinking of later. I will hold on to that promise.<p>Just like tonight. I had plans for an evening to myself. Overnight sitter has the flu, #2 back up has bronchitis. #3 is sick also&#8230;.Have I cancelled all my plans? &#8211; NO&#8230;just changed them.<p>Redhat, I wish you could tell me how to find that guy that isn&#8217;t a total jerk. Rev and others think I can&#8217;t find men to date. I just can&#8217;t seem to find men of any quality. The ones worth the effort.<p>My capacity to &#8230;what did you call them&#8230;the 4 areas.? I know from my past that I have the capacity and willingness to do that for the right man and hopefully the next man I love won&#8217;t be abusive and marry another before ending the relationship with me. (See everyone I do understand &#8211; I was 6 months pregnant at the time.) <p>As Reba asked &#8220;Is there life out there?&#8221; Oh yeah! There is! J<p>Thanks for listening&#8230;Gotta run to the b-ball game. Hope we kick tail tonight!<p>smw

smw,
Rev has a good point there, don't take it personally, I will cream him later. I don't think he is saying you can not find a date, he is saying try some. I agree with him to find a husband material you have to go to fabric store. However I disagree w/ rev in "just" to date (specially a jerk) to sort it out and settle w/ semi jerk. Go out in group setting and you will sort it out even before you try to "date". Don't lower your standard even for dating. It is for you not for anybody else. You just have to meet more people to incerase your chances [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] .

SMW,<p>I have to try this one more time.<p>Assuming that 80% of the men available are jerks, you stand a 1 in 5 chance of any guy you date being a jerk. There is only one way to ensure that you will never date a jerk. Don't date. You can limit the liability by hanging out with some people before dating. BTW I think this is a good idea.<p>I just feel like you expect the next person you date to be the person you mary, and that you won't date anyone until your sure that you are going to mary who you are planning to date.<p>I.E. I'm not going to the fabric store until I find husband material.<p>It just seems a little like the cart before the horse. (More Nebraska farm animal stuff for RedHat. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] )<p>Perhaps the terms "date" and "jerk" are the problem. We spend time with friends. Sometimes we become more attracted to one of those friends than to the rest. This is one way we sort the good people from the "jerks". Then we start spending more time (date) with that special person. (Depending on the time spent, and the formality, it is possible that "date" is too strong a term to use here.) If it works out we marry them. If not we restart the process, and file that person in the "jerks" catagory. We may still hang out with them as friends, but they're not the right person for us. (This deffinition may make the term "jerk" too strong, as we usualy don't hang out with "jerks".)<p>If you are defining "dating" as a formal invitation to dinner on friday night, and I am defining it as meeting each other on a regular basis because we like to spend time togeather, then we have a different kind of symantec problem.<p>Again, I never said lower your standards.<p>Perhaps I should have said, If you want to find husband material you need to go to the fabric store, but if your not willing to go to the fabric store, don't complain about not finding husband material.<p>If your happy where you are that is probably the best place for you at this time. I don't want you to think I'm pushing you into dating just to date. I would never do that. Remember you were the one who asked why you never seem to meet any decent men. <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>A friend recently told me when I asked why I never seem to meet any decent men<hr></blockquote>I was only trying to improve the chances of you meeting a decent man, by increasing the pool you had to choose from.<p>Thanks
Rev<p>[ January 26, 2002: Message edited by: rev ]</p>

fabric store huh?<p>The selection of men is SOOOOOOO large around these parts...LMAO<p>BTW....We kicked tail last nite and [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]