We broke up in July and he has been living with OW since then. They have been together for over a year now. I found out in July when he moved out. I still see him once a month and saw him for two days last week. I have come to realize that he may never return to me. I am trying to get to a place where I can interact with him and see him without going to pieces afterward. Can this be done? I thought I was handling this better but this time I became angry because I let jealousy fuel it. I want him to worship me and he never has and never will and I know this. I have been crying for three days because I am angry at myself for looking like such an out of control baby to him. When will I be able to get my emotions in check? I want to try to be a different person and handle this situation better. I want to go in the right direction but I do not want him out of my life completely either. Nor do I want him back until we can get along better. Is it possible that we may never learn to get along and why do I feel so guilty for losing my temper? He's already gone, can I really make it any worse?

Another thing too, I want to be a better mate, even though he was the unfaithful one. I want to know why I seem so selfish? How do I do Plan A if I can't handle not getting affection returned? Why do I always feel that what he does is not enough? Is it resentment? How do I overcome it? Before he left, he had been unfaithful 3 years before. It took me 2 1/2 years to feel like I wanted to give him things and be loving the way I should. But it was too late; he had already been in the new affair for 6 months and she had more to offer. I was too late and someone else took my place. What do I do?

starchild --<p>I'm very sorry for your pain. You're hurting a lot and very confused and frustrated. You're not alone in this; we're here for you and will try to help all we can.<p>You are still actively grieving the apparent loss of your H and your marriage. Be patient with yourself and give yourself room to be human and to go through the grief process. You are where you are with it because that's where you need to be right now. Crying and anger and temper and out- of-control feelings are all part of the process. You have to go through this step by step; you can't rush it or force it. Time and Patience (my two favorite healing words) are needed. <p>This is a massive wound for you, a major blow to your system. Recovery will take time and effort but it will come--depend upon it. You are bigger and stronger than your problems and you will survive this.<p>Read all of the info and articles on this site; lots of great stuff here. Got copies of Harley's SAA (Surviving An Affair) and HNHN (His Needs, Her Needs) as they contain a lot of good survival help. Also, lots of free reading stuff right here too. Of course, these forums are here 24/7 which means we're just a couple of keystrokes away. <p>I'm sure that you feel very alone in this. Your partner has abandoned you and your relationship at this point. Since you can't control another person, you control the only person you can: you!
You work on you and you be kind to yourself and you accept where you are for now and you protect yourself. You will get through this! <p>Yes, you can make things worse but you also can make them better, certainly better for you. Your feelings of guilt and selfishness are normal, to be expected. Accept them too and realize that they're also part of your process. <p>May I suggest counseling to help you even more? It's a good direction for anybody in these situations. Get some good and trusted recommendations and go do it.<p>We're here for you. Please post again soon and tell us how you're doing. We care...<p>Ammon

A key note for you. Do you feel like there are all these emotions compounding all at once? Do you feel as if you can't answer one questions before a new question arises? If this is the case, I want you to consider getting a little help from anti-depressants. No one has to know except you and your doctor. Many people on this forum have been on them or are currently still on them, and they do help. These little pills can work wonders and they are not for the long term. You should cansider then at this point seeing if you can get anti-depressants. There is no time for pride, use all the help you can get. Remember you are not alone! I let myself get worse and worse before I finally agreed to get some help. I got to a point I could not even get off the couch without someone telling me to get up. There is no need to hit rock bottom. Get up, get help and you will feel a million times better about yourself and your WS will begin to notice the changes.<p>Hang in there, keep posting and don't give up hope.

Whatever you do, DO NOT fall apart in front of your H. Always be at your best when you see him. Do what you did when you were dating. Be THAT Starchild whenever he is around. The antidepressants will help you keep the emotions under control. Make sure you are upbeat and sparkling whenever he is around, as if you are meeting him for the first time. DO NOT talk about the M or the A or the OW. DO NOT say I love you. Do not expose yourself emotionally more than he is exposed. Maintain your dignity and equality at all times. Make sure you do not appear needy or clingy in any way. Present a vibrant, exciting, confident woman.

Star, have fun, be yourself, and like all those old sappy songs say, smile when you feel like crying. It's ok to want him back, and its ok to be sad for as long as it takes. <p>But I gurantee you, once you get over it, and once you become the bright, happy girl you once were, I gurantee you he will be back. <p>Believe me, I know this. Sometimes it takes years, but when he sees you happy and his life is turned upside down, the tune will change.<p>I've been on both ends, and this I know.

Starchild,<p>I can understand your pain. I have been in that place where every little thing makes you cry...a song on the radio...somebody asks you how you are...a movie...you hear a certain phrase.<p>I would suggest that you do a search on username lostva. She exemplified how to impliment Plan A when a spouse lives with the OP. She was and everwill be the "Queen of Plan A" ( I will look up her user number and post it shortly ).
One thing I must say is that I would have to disagree with EasyE...
Plan A does NOT guarantee that your WS will return.
One thing Plan A does do is help you to examine yourself and work through your own issues. Plan A in short has very little to do with your spouse and everything to do with you. I called Plan A "Plan Nicole". Your Plan A should be "Plan Starchild".
You will be a better person ready for a better and healthier relationship either with or without your WS.
Take time as soon and as often as you can for yourself.
Take a bubble bath...read a good book...go for a walk...listen to your favorite CD (dance and go crazy [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] )...think of something just for you and do it!<p>lostva's user id # 2596<p>[ January 21, 2002: Message edited by: Patient Love ]</p>