I've taken my DD's to the beach for the weekend. I've decided that our lives must go on. WS was a real couch patato, tv sports, news etc... throughout the day. I did not like this lifestyle but did nothing about it.<p>Now since he left I have decided that I am changing this - I love nature, outdoors, music theatre etc..... now I am introducing this to my daughters. They simply love this new mum that are taking them to all these new places. For the first time in years I swam with my daughters at the beach and they simply loved it. <p>I plugged up the courage to phone WS for school uniform monies. I was very polite and asked him whether he could not go and buy it as we were away for the weekend and school was starting on Monday. He agreed and I gave all the details and sizes. (First time ever he did this). Well, he was on the phone with me throughout the morning as he found this quite a difficult exercise. There was no LB's from my side only encouragement.<p>Well, on our return from the weekend away my bubble was burst again. WS has bought all the necessary requirements but decided to deduct this money from the children's monthly maintenance money. He has now decided that all costs must be shared equally - even though we have a legal agreement that he should carry all education costs. (I earn a quarter of his salary)<p>He also removed from my house an antique royal daltan teaset which was given to us as a wedding gift by his mother. I WAS ANGRY, ANGRY, ANGRY.
I have promised my eldest daughter that she could have this set when she was older.<p>It took utter control not to phone him and LB him. Today I just feel so sad that he could do this to me. <p>How do I react to this - Is this part of the doormat concept in Plan A. I've worked throught my anger now but I still feel that I want to do something just to let him know the hurt he has caused me and my daughter by taking this teaset to OW.<p>Do I just ignore everything and carry on with the path my daughters and I are on now - healing and enjoying life.<p>I did not react, as previously when things like this happened I would be on the phone to WS ranting and raving like a lunatic. He is most probably waiting for the call but thus far I am in control. <p>He is still very, very deep in this fog.

GinnyF --<p>I was hoping I'd run into you again here. Since I had commented on your previous post (DD's 3rd Birthday), I was wondering how things have been coming along in your life. Now I know that problems still exist for you and your family and I'm very sorry that things don't sound much better.<p>Why does your H still have a key to your house? Change the locks right away! He has no business at this stage being able to enter your house. <p>If you two have a legal agreement which specifies that he carries all education costs, your H cannot modify this arrangement without your consent in writing. If he's unhappy with this, let him talk to his attorney, not to you. School uniforms obviously are education costs, so...he pays for them! Such costs are NOT deducted from his monthly payment to you. Again, in the letter...<p>The missing tea set must be returned. Since he isn't supposed to be in your house anyhow, he may be guilty of burglery. Again, let your attorney handle it; that's what you're paying for. A firm letter to him should accomplish what you want without you spending emotional energy. <p>It's all part of a control-freak's style (not that that makes it any easier to bear) and you just have to set the boundaries and stick to them. When he hits your brick wall, he'll have to back down. Don't let him intimidate you or your children! We're with you on this and your perspective is the right one!<p>Hang in and take care. Things may get worse before they get better, but they WILL get better.
I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers.<p>Ammon

Boy have I been through this one with my XH. He used to deduct everything he spent on our son other then room and board from child support...<p>Every month I would get my child support check with a list of deductions with receipts... they read something like..<p>stamp to mail check... .33
boxer shorts........... 5.00
more boxer shorts...... 5.00
Swim suit.............. 5.00
and on and on<p>And every month I sent him a letter stating that this was not in agreement with our child support agreement. Then at one point he took me to court for to try to take custody away. The folder of his nit picky deductions was seen by the judge... he chewed my XH out... I will have custody.<p>But even after this, he continued. Then one summer we had our son in a camp. My H paid the bills and I was to reimburse him. I held off until the end of the summer (which had him furious). And then I sent him a letter deducting all of the inappropriate deductions he made from child support. In the end he owed my about $250.<p>At that point, because of his custody case, was forced to reimburse the $250. <p>He's never deducted anything. He will not buy our son much of anything. Will not even get him a haircut. But at least I know how much child support I'm getting every month. <p>My son knows this because his father always says 'your mom will get it'. And my son understands the legal in's and out's of child support. He asked, I let him read the statute and we discussed it. So my H is sinking his own boat. Son has asked me why his father does not love him enough to ever by him the small essentials. <p>I told son that his dad loves him in the only way he can. His father is a miser so he should look forward to a nice inheritance. Son has also expressed that he knows it's because his dad is still mad at me. So son sees it for want it is... petty. I never had to say one thing against his dad. Kids are very astute.

Ginny-<p>You know I get the feeling that the advice the harley's might give might be best to get here. I'm just not sure. You are in the infancy stages of try to start plan A, you do't want to go LBing-but you need the support and have a right to it. Can you call and set up an appointment for a phone session to get some professional advise here?<p>I'd hate to see you mess up the things you have done with LB's and I would hate to see you get hurt financially. I really don't know what to say here, except I'm glad your weekend wet well, and I would make notes of what happened afterwards in a journal in case you need it later in court along with whatever proof you have. But it really may be best to not do anything about it at this time.

Thanks for the response:-<p>I spoke to my DD's last night and told them that certain things in our lifestyle will have to change. There will be no excessive spending and we must work together to implement some saving options.<p>I feel it in my gut that WS is now trying to cut me down financially to maintain extravagant lifestyle with OW.<p>After all she is only his secretary and not use to the life he is giving her now. WS is a professional - her exh a mechanic. They struggled financially, moved about 5 time in one year. OW's husband had an A - She cried on my H shoulders. I felt sorry for her.............How pathetic. Now she is the lady of the "Manor" at the expense of me and my children. The A started same month as her DV came through 02-01. But I believe the EA started earlier. OW started working for WS in Oct 00. She sure did not waste any time. <p>She did not even deal with her own DV but she had a nerve to send me a letter soon after D-day telling me she knows what I am going through but must get on with my life and leave them alone. Now I laugh about it because I know now that she and WS has such a lot of issues to deal with and both of them is completely covered in fog and I will be the one laughing when that fog starts lifting.<p>I'm just venting because WS and OW send my DD an expensive birthday present - a week after birthday - but he could not pay for her school fees. <p>"To DD<p>We love and miss you and we are planning something special for you on...<p>Love you<p>Daddy and Aunty %&&&$^%#&^*<p>
When does all this stop??????????????????<p>Need to think cleary before I do anything. Did contact my attorney regarding financial matters and will be meeting with him tomorrow.. Here I go again. His attorney , my attorney , his attorney, my attorney..... It make me sick.

Good Morning, I had a thought about the tea-set, do you have any pictures of it? If you still want to pass on the family connection and historical significance of it to your children, take the picture and fine a framed piece with a similar teaset on it. Then get a card in the same theme and write down all of the history you know of that followed the tea set, if you still talk to his mother, ask her to add to it also. (but be careful, so it isn't construed as messing in his life by talking to his mom about missing tea set.) You may never get the set back, but the memories connected with it do not have to die, just because he was very disrespectful and removed it. He seems to play mind games also, you went away and did something you have dreamed of for a long time, he couldn't control you, so he did something he knew would change your feelings about the whole experience. But back to my original thought, I know you shouldn't have to do things like that, but at least it is one way to perserve the memory of what went with it, and now you won't have it on your conscience if it gets broken, lol. Keep moving on, you sound like you are doing very well.

I'm feeling real depressed today. 9yo D gave me a hard time going to school. Hates school. I spoke to her telling her the importance of an education. Told her she must just believe that she will be happy again someday. She is very upset with WS because he did not contact her since Saturday. As she is aware that the tea-set taken by WS was going to be hers one day she adamantly told me that she will get it back from WS come what may. She cannot understand that WS keeps on assuring them about his love for them but makes no effort to visit or contact them. <p>She's been to her therapist. Therapist said there is a lot of anger towards OW. Told her therapist she hates OW for taking her Dad away from his family. She is also showing signs of aggression towards OW. Therapist told me that I must not discuss this with WS as he is still deep in fog and as usual he will just think I am making up all these things to be vindictive. The children will lead the way and WS will have to deal with this when children is with him.<p>I've also been to my therapist. Explained to him about financial matters. My therapist have seen WS on two occasions. Summed him up as being very angry at me.. part of his guilt. Therapist advised me not to pursue matter with my attorney as for now. Said I am very fragile after a very traumatic period in December when I spend three weeks in courts for :-
1. Emotional, physical and mental abuse against WS. Yes, I did call him names and pushed him but this was after I heard from my D school that they wanted her to repeat her grade because she has regressed academically since D-day and when he moved out. (This order was granted against me)
2. Accussed me of getting information from National Airline regarding his travel arrangements. OW phoned airline and threatened them. Airline summonsed me and I had to prove that information gathered was from travel agent whilst WS and I were still together and needed information because 3yo bump her head and needed surgery and I had to get hold of him. (Case dismissed). Now airline want to sue them for false accusation. I've actually asked the airline to withhold proceedings as I feel that everything was getting out of control.<p>If I start with legal proceedings now it will again have a snowball effect as WS and OW is out to nail me on every aspect. The most important thing for me now is to stabalize my children and concentrate on my life.