My w's affair apparently ended a month or more ago (we're separated and nearly divorced, so this is very hard to verify, but I believe it is true). Yet she has shown absolutely no movement toward me whatsoever. This flies in the face of all the reading I've done. That typically a wayward spouse, post-affair, will make at least one serious attempt at returning to the marriage. That a person in an affair is in a kind of insanity as long as the affair continues (a secret, forbidden, self-constructed reality that needs to collapse). Well that reality has collapsed, but there appears to be no change in her towards me whatsoever. Maybe I just need to accept the divorce (final in 2-3 weeks) and move on; or hope that she will return post-divorce, or what? I'd appreciate any thoughts, similar experiences etc.

Hi Doc,<BR>I am so sorry that you are feeling this way. It is not fair. <BR>I don't have any words of wisdom, but I certainly know exactly how you are feeling.<BR>My H moved out 8 wks ago, says the affair is over (I don't believe him-I also think there may be a 2nd one!) and he has not made any attempts to reconcile yet.<BR>My gut reaction says that the affair in not over. They may still be having some kind of contact and if that is the case, that is probably why she is making no attempts.<BR>Lean on the Lord now. He wants to help you. He will heal your heart. I know that it may seems hopeless, but God hates divorce.<BR>Stay strong in your convictions. You are doing the right thing.<BR>God Bless,<BR>Cheryl

doc - <P>You are about two or three steps ahead of me. My W is in the middle of her affair right now (she is living with the guy and has been for about two months). I, like you, have been praying for the affair to end so that we may have a chance at reconciliation. What you say is so sad. I'm certainly no expert, but perhaps your wife is merely "decompressing" after the affair. This could include the inevitable withdrawal stage, while at the same time harboring some resentment for many people, you included whether deserved or not.<P>Is there any way that you could approach her either directly or through a third party and let her know that you would love nothing more than to support her through her pain? I know it sucks to have to watch someone you love so much grieve for someone else, while you are in such intense pain AND playing a game of beat the clock.<P>She may reject your offer, or she may accept and still go through the divorce. BUT, either way she will remember one of your last acts was one of kindness and love. If you would be up to it, my bet is that after the divorce (if it goes that way) she would approach you. Then you'd have to decide. I already told myself that if my wife's divorce goes through, I will not look back...but that's me. I need to get on with my life too.<P>Take ceecee's advice about leaning on the Lord. I don't know how spiritual you are, or even if you're a Christian but I've found great strength in giving all my problems over to Him. He will see you through this if you let Him.

Good words from both of you. Yes, I am a Christian. The really ironic thing in this is I would not trade what I've gained in Christ, through suffering, for anything. I wouldn't wish this suffering on my worst enemy, or choose to go through it again, or want to prolong it, but I can see the benefits (?) of the fellowship of His sufferings. I will think about the offer of walking with her through her pain. It is within me to offer that; I don't know if it is what I should do or not. I have told her I still loved and wanted her, still found her beautiful and desirable, and believe the gospel could touch our messy situation. Many, many people are praying for me and for us. Thanks.

doc - <P>I will join that crowd of people who are praying for you. I'm so glad that you have found strength through Jesus. I have been a lapsed Catholic for about 25 years...I'm ashamed that it took this tragedy to wake me up spiritually. Having said that, however, I'm SO GLAD that I did. I, too, would not wish this pain on anyone but if the price of getting close to Christ is my marriage, so be it.<P>Keep posting doc. I'll be thinking of you as my situation may follow yours someday.

Hi doc, maybe one month is not enough for her to restart contact. SHe is probably going trough withdrawl right now, and believe me dealing with that doesn't leave much space to deal with anything else.<BR>Or she might feel embaressed by his actions and having a bit of trouble reconecting.<BR>In any case, this kind of thing usually takes much longer to even start the healing process, as most of us can tell you.<BR>DOn't discourage, keep you faith and one way or another things will get better.<BR>Take care<BR>Kat<P>------------------<BR>Each and everyone of us is deserving of a kind word, a gentle thought, and the gift of understanding.

Anyone with more experience with withdrawal... I understand that a month is not all that long. Do you think it weird that her determination to divorce has actually increased since the affair ended? When I attempted to suggest that she slow things down in light of all that has happened, and the confusion she might be experiencing, she felt very judged that I would presume to know anything about what she might be feeling. Oddly, she has been very pleasant and cordial with me in our brief interactions around the issues of children, final divorce stuff etc. But she seems strained to me underneath the perkiness. Any thoughts?