Last year on my 40th, my H bought me roses (something he very seldom did). This year, he made me feel guilty for going out with friends the night before; made me feel guilty for meeting my best friend in the afternoon; in short, made me feel like crap on my birthday. He had gone out with the kids and got me a new VCR, which he knew I was going to need when we move out in a couple of weeks. I thought that was really nice and did not expect it. He also took us all out to dinner; again, I didn't expect it. Yet, he felt the need to make me feel guilty because I've gone out a few times over the last few weeks with friends (dancing, etc.). Finally after all the crap, he apologized and started talking; REALLY talking. Something he's really avoided the last few months. He told me he had no right to feel jealous of me going out. He told me I looked GREAT and YES he was having trouble thinking that I will eventually be with someone else. He told me he's frightened because although he's in love with OW, sometimes he's not. He told me he still loves me and cares about me. He said he's a mess and completely confused. <p>Here's the thing. We had sex last night (1st time since October). He said he's wanted to do that for a long time, but that he didn't feel he had the right. I basically asked for it last night (a nice way to make up on my b-day). It was wonderful, but afterwards was better. He held me and that's when he talked to me. He said he's so fearful that when the kids and I leave; that's it; I won't ever want to be anything to him again. I told him that I could not be his friend right now, but that perhaps after a few months apart, if we could find a way to dump the garbage of the last year, maybe then we could become friends again. He seemed relieved when I said that and said that he REALLY wants us to be best friends again.<p>All in all, it was a great end to a pretty crappy day. However, I cannot help but think back and remember the manipulation over the last year. I don't want to analyze this, but would like comments from others who may have been in this spot. Is he trying to make sure I hang out and wait for him until he figures things out???<p>Thanks for any advice.<p>MOM

Happy Birthday Myownme,
I'm hitting 42 this week. 2 years ago, at 40 I was separated, served the D papers. Now 20 months in recovery.<p>I think you should keep doing what you've been doing. Going out--though be wary of developing an opposite sex relationship. Your H is seeing that you aren't living in the "box" he left you in, you are growing, changing. It is a natural consequence of his actions in having the A & now the separation. If he stays with the OW, it is very unlikely that you will be his best friend down the road, and it is doubtful you would want a best friend like that.<p>There's a slice of reality across his fog. Encourage it.

Lor,
Thanks and Happy 42nd to you!<p>You are so right (about my not being able to be his best friend if he stays with OW). He's just not in a place to "get it" yet. I think there are things sinking in; like he won't be able to call me whenever he feels like it just to talk. <p>I'm growing, changing, expanding my horizons. Whether or not we are ever back together, I've grown so much as a result of all of this turmoil. I thank God for that!!<p>MOM

MoM & Lor<p>Happy birthday to both of you--- [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>MoM--
My W has had the same conversation...prior to her leaving for the second time and sicne then. Seems she is more worried about losing the friednship thing than the marriage.<p>Our relationship started as friends and I am trying to still be her friend now, more than the hurt husband, while we are separated and she goes thr the "confusion stage"<p>I can tell you it is really hard to do...<p>It's one thing to move from the friends to lover stage but still another to go backwards...and that's what they are asaking, I think.<p>Hang in...I know you are only a few weeks from leaving...I hope it works out for you...I can tell you from experience that it ain't easy and you will have to use all the strength you have gained so far. Stick with it...you can do it.<p>E

Happy Bday MoM

Thanks E and CB. My prayers go out to both of you for you situations. We are all becoming stronger, better people as a result of all of this. I'm stronger than I EVER believed possible. My M may soon be over, but I know that I can have a happy, fulfilling life with or without my H. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>MOM

Happy birthday MOM. He is in the fog and the Venusian trick apperently work a bit. Read CarolKH's thread and try some more trick of hers. In the conversation of assurance (just be freind) ... don't give H a guarantee. Just be vague, just say "we will see what happen down the road". You are too good and you need to string H a bit, learn from Orchid or CarolKH.

I agree...I read that CarolKH thread. I think she handled it perfectly! It is a great thread about how to handle it all.<p>I would say just like Lor don't try developing any relationships with the opposite sex right now! He doesn't have to know where you are all the time and what you are doing though...

I went and read CarolKH's thread. WOW! What an awesome job she did. I hope I can handle things the way she did, although I must confess, I'm hurting too deeply right now to focus even remotely on saving my marriage right now. My H has many things that he'd need to change in order for us to work on things. I don't want to worry about all that right now. Just focusing on me and the kids....