I posted earlier that my WS wants to move out. She is in the middle of an EA. The advice here (MB)is that the kids should stay in the home. I agree but it is not that easy. I need to negotiate this with her. I have been doing a lot of research on "Seperation" and everything assumes that the relationship is over. They are giving techniques, advice on how to get on with our lives while minimizing the impact on the children. I say screw that, this seperation is the beginning of what I think will eventually be great. I do not want to negatively impact that outcome by utilizing advice that assumes the marriage is over. I am not ready to start posting in the Divorcing/divorced section. Hell I am only 5 weeks in. A little over a month ago I was looking forward to going to Disney World in February for crying out loud. Anyway, I told her she was not taking the kids, now I need to tell her why. Saying "because that was the advice I got on the MB discussion forum" will not cut it. I have an advantage in that I realize that I can not make decisions based on emotion. While she has been making all of her decisions lately on emotion, and will not find out or research what is best for our kids. So now I am looking and so far have been stumped. You might ask what I want. I want the kids to sleep in their beds every night. I want her to get an apartment close by. I want her available in the morning to help take the kids to school (3 kids, 2 schools). I want her available in the evening to pick up kids and do homework etc. If she wants them at her place in the evening that is fine. But they have to be back by 8:00 so we can start getting ready for bed. I want to leave her totally accessible to her children. We are still friends (thanks to plan A) and I do not want to risk that. This is what I think is best for our children. I will not get this unless I can prove it to her that it is absolutely the right thing to do. She will say "It is not fair to me". I will say this has nothing to do with me or you, this is all about what is best for the kids. I think our only sticking point is kids sleeping at her place.<p>
I love MB. It probably makes me to optimistic. But I have gained so much out of this experience. I am a better christian, father, and someday hopefully I will get a chance to be a better husband. I am still scared but I know that everything that has happened so far has been in the normal progression of a couple dealing with an EA. The only question now is when will it end. Her moving out is a necessary step for that to happen. Its going to be tough but I got Zorweb, BrambleRose, Redhat, Estes49, carolkh, Jennifer H and all the rest to help me. I hope that oneday I can help some poor BS blindsided by his/her WS through their ordeal using my experiences. <p>In conclusion I am looking for professional advice (books, articles) on what to do with kids for a "I need to think things through" seperation, not necessarily a seperation before divorce. I would prefer something that says "Do not take the children out of their home environment". This would allow me to compromise with "you can have them their for dinners, etc., but they definitely will sleep at home. <p>This is hopeto, and if you read this far then God Bless You.

Well as long as your dreaming how about "I want my WW to end all contact and end EA". No, she will not research what is best for the kids because that gets in the way of her desires to continue EA.<p>I believe your desires are whats best for the kids but be prepared for her to be totally unrational about it. You may not get all you want and you may not get whats best for the kids. Just be prepared to bend and accept things. For instance, realize that if she becomes totally unwilling to help with the kids, and choses to move 45 minutes away and that they are in an every other weekend situation with living with both of you. Remember, this might not be whats best for the kids but it will not kill them. I just want you to be realistic in what your dealing with. When communicating with your spouse take away the words that say "I want..." and say "I think it is in the best interest of the kids..." but either way she may buck the system and see it as you trying to control her. <p>It is usually not possible to prove to a WS what is the best situation for the kids. They are usually just so caught up in wanting their own way that anything that conflicts with that is seen as controlling. Just be prepared.

I'm not sure that I could give the best advise on this one....but I will take a stab at it.<p>First of all....what gives her the right to take the children with her? You have just as much right to keep them as she does to take them.
You're explanation to her.....<p>I know....I know.....probably a major LB to tell her that she can't take them. BUT.....are you willing to let your children actually move out with her? I know I wasn't willing to let my children go with my WH because I knew that he wasn't looking out for their best interests....only his. I also wasn't willing to let him only take one of them on a visit with him while the other 2 stayed with me. That's just not right in my book.<p>I suggest that you tell her exactly how you feel about the whole ordeal. Tell her that you feel that you are the one that is looking out for your childrens best intersests and you feel that the children will be more comfortable in their own home. It's one thing for their parents to be seperating....another for them to have to move to a new home.....devastating to say the least for your children.<p>Make sure you let her know that you are willing to allow her to spend all the time that she wants with the children....but that they will remain with you.<p>Of course she is going to say it isn't fair to her....but is it fair to you or your children for her to be wanting things her way....no....it's not fair to any of you.<p>You need to make a decision. What's more important to you? Your wife getting mad about you not letting the children go with her.....or you letting them go with her...she gets her way and you and your children suffer again.<p>Sometimes you have to just take the bull by the horns and get a little rough.....LB a little and make the WS angry.....but some things are worth it. My children are.<p>I know not everyone will agree with me......but this is my opinion.

Thats good stuff and I agree with everything, but luckily she has already agreed to stay close by. We know its tough doing all three kids by yourself. How could she continue A if she had the kids every night? Especially with a baby (10 months). Like I said I think the only sticking point is the sleeping over. She has been crazy but she has not been insane, if I can show her what is right for the kids I think she will agree. Ofcourse that could be my optimistic nature. I'll let you know

You are right on target with all of your thoughts onwhy the kids should be with you.....what it is really is COMMON SENSE....unfortunately your wife will not see things this way...tell her it is time to put her kids first. Her having an A shows that she has not done that in the past. My H has not put thekids first once in the past 6 months....so make sure you stay strong with this....it is important that they stay in their own beds and have the same routine. I don't like the fact that people say that kids bounce back from all of this....it is very difficult for kids going through a D....keep things as normal as they can be.... BE STRONG!<p>Max

hopeto,<p>Your parenting plan makes sense to me. You are giving your W free access to the children while they remain in the home they are secure in. It does not make sense to have them move to a new place with a parent who is distracted my her own issues and not focusing on their needs.<p>Have you considered contacting a family law attorney? If there is a child psychologist in your area, it might be worth a visit with him/her to get a professional's opinion about your plan.<p>As per your plan A, let W know that she is welcome to move home anytime she is ready to commit to rebuilding your M, that you and the kids will be waiting for her. As you said, you are only 5 weeks into this. Be patient. This A could continue for several months before the typical WS-OP problems set in that destablizied the A. Meanwhile, you keep the family home a safe place for the children.<p>Take care,
Estes

Hopeto - we are in a very similar situation. I was wondering if I wrote this thread and forgot about it.<p>I would be real interested in advice on this topic too. I am 7 months into this and I found out today that the WW will be signing a lease tomorrow. Similar situation. She will be 5 mins away and there are 3 kids (9,7,4).<p>So far we have agreed to "share" the kids. We see the MC later this week and I am sure he will have some advice on this. I had not thought about telling her that the kids sleep here. <p>On another note, I do not know how I am going to handle her moving out. I definitely cannot be here the day she moves. I don't think I'll be able to bear it.<p>We haven't old the kids yet either - more advice needed from the MC on that too.<p>DD

Hope to, on one hand they could stay with you, who has their best interests at heart, in their own beds, in their own home, and still see their mother on a regular basis.<p>On the other hand, they could live with their mother (who is probably an emotional basket case right now) in some crappy apartment, being baby sat while she pursues her own interests, with the possibility of the OM moving in and acting in the role of some pseudo step father. My guess is he would not care less about them.<p>The one that REALLY got to me was the possibility of someone stepping in as a father figure to my children.
It's plain to see what's best for them.

OK I called a child psychologist, I will get back to you later on the results. I want to keep in touch with you Devastated Dad, maybe we can learn from each other. I have agreed to do whatever this child psychologist recommends. Even though I desperately want this M to work I am not sure I want to use my kids as a bargaining tool. I am really rolling the dice on this one. I hope she does not recommend that I move out!

inb -<p>I don't know if you have seen my previous threads with my sig, but we must be on a parallel universe.<p>My story -
Know each other 20 years
Married 12 years
Three kids (9,7,4)
3/01 - W tells me not happy
7/01 - d-day
1/02 - W wants separation and is moving out<p>I still love her and want our M to work. She doesn't know what she wants - thinks the separation will help her get to a decision. Cares about me and loves me, but not "in-love" with me - I'm sure you have heard that too.<p>Let me know what you hear.<p>DD

DD, that is exactly what she told me. How did you get throught 7 months of feeling like this. Is she still in A. My WS and OM have definitely turned it down a notch but that is because I am home a lot more and he finally told his W. But it is an EA so they still talk every day which I told her is just as bad. Jennifer said that I can not make it easy for her to move out. That she has to get a feel for the amount of work it is to coordinate, organize, pull off, such a seperation. Which means I have to balance my plan A with that advice. WS knows this. Hell I told her about MB and I watched her get her own username so I write this assuming she is going to read it (hi honey). Anyway I am in a monumentous effort to improve myself while I have so much desire to do so. I am reading about Tai Chi and studying different methods of meditation. I have worked out the last 20 days in a row. I lost 15 lbs ( mostly due to my inability to eat) I have renewed my relationship with my kids. My relationship with God, although not where I want it to be, is a lot better and I am going to a support group tonite at our church to hopefully help me get closer. I am also treating myself to a session of message therapy. I have the worse pains in my upper back because of all the tension.<p>By the way did you read Marshall59, in that earlier post. He was WS and he finally broke off his A. Its stories like that that keeps me going. He explains about the fog and now he cant imagine how he risked everything. We got to hang in. We are on the side of the Family, and that's the right place to be. Listen to me, you are 6 months ahead of me. I hope I still feel this way in 6 months if my situatin has not been resolved. I will pray for you tonite. If you want to contact me personally my e-mail is jkbradsher@msn.com.

inb - keep reading on this site and post when you feel the need. Also, if you can find someone to confide in, that would really help you. It felt so good to finally talk to someone and break down. Oddly enough, in my case it was my MIL after my W told her what was happening. Unfortunately that was 3 or 4 months after dday. But it helped anyway.<p>MIL is a cheerleader for me, but no matter what she says to W, the A still goes on, unfortunately. MIL doesn't know how I do it - I say, "I love your daughter and want to grow old with her".<p>I am trying to be focused on the kids and continue to better myself. W has seen this and has acknowledged this but says nothing has changed for her. I do still love her with all my heart. I even forgave her 2 minutes after she told me on d-day. And still she continues with OM.<p>I am hoping and praying that this separation will open her eyes to see what she has with me and will bring her back home. My SIL also knows what is going on and says to me, "expect the worst, but hope for the best". That's all I can do.<p>I also lost about 15 pounds in the beginning. No appetite, couldn't concentrate on work - it's amazing that I was able to get any work done. The no appetite stage lasted about 6 - 8 weeks.<p>I don't know where this road will lead me, but I hope and pray that we all get what we want.<p>It sucks that any of us have to be on this site.<p>What happened to the vows that we made to each other on our wedding day. I think back to that day and how great it was - and how I want to be there again.<p>Hang in there and follow your heart.<p>DD