Another weekend and more avoidance of the how are we doing talk. To bring you up to speed, I am the BS and My WS has admitted her A and we have been together since last March without going into much of what's happened. I have recently suspected that things have heated back up with OM so to speak ( see the last months past post) and for the past 2 weeks have tried to get her to discuss how we are doing. I have not pressed the issue, but she has been avoiding a discussion. The question is what is she lies ? How will I know and how should this happen. I do not know how to press her on this without LB's. How do you get them to talk when they do not seem to want to and how do you know if they tell you the truth, and what do you do if they lie ? Please help me find my way without doing major LB's.

Mark H,<p>This is when snooping is call for. Find out as much as you can about OM and their relation. You know you have to do plan A, review your plan A.<p>Now, does she feel or acknowledge that you love her ? if she does then step back and be a Martian. Read the 50 signs of A. Give it to her back as if you are planning to move on. Buy diferrent brand of parfume, color your hair, take a new interest 180 degree than your current one, go to gymn [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] . Do not talk about R or A, let her reach you. Create your own separate life from her but short on new R or having A. Stop saying I love you at the end of phone, stop giving her love note, stop chasing her and watch the reaction.<p>It does not work if your WW has an issues of your love. It will reaffirm her reasoning of A.

Yeah - I totally agree with redhat - doing that is effective if she has fondness for you - doesn't have to be full-blown gushy love. Injecting some doubt, showing that you have balance without her, etc. are all consistent with Plan A IMO. Why? Because you're not now going out of your way to treat her BADLY, just showing her very indirectly that she better get off the fence PDQ, or there'll be no choice to make - and deep down, if that fondness is there - she knows what's really the best path.<p>I'm in the process of doing this now... I'll keep everyone posted on outcome...

We did have a "talk" last night. I kind of forced the issue by "in her words" Tracking her down on the cell phone. It was productive and she told me that she has not rekindled the intimacy and wondered if it ever would come back. She also told me that she was mad at me for tracking her down (she was having lunch with a friend) but then thought she could not be mad at me because her actions made me do it. I responded by telling her that she can get mad at me, it was OK to get mad at me. if she isn't doing anything wrong then she has a right to get mad at me. She also said that she is afraid of how I will react if we speak and it's not positive. I told her that it's ok for it not to be positive as long as it's honest. I also told her that it takes a long time to recover from this and I am Ok with that as long as we discuss things. I also told her that although I wanted her in my life, I didn't need her in my life if she did not want to be there, that I would survive. This seemed to be a good talk . I do have one problem though and it's something I need to address in another talk. My W sometimes thinks lies by omission are not lies and although I told her that as long as I could be assured that I had no reason to wonder where she was and we were honest with each other, I would not find the need to wonder about that. She gave me the impression that there was nothing going on, but again, she has made a point ( before all this) of telling me she never volunteers information without being asked directly. We left it on a good note, but I do not know how to ask about some of the things I've found by snooping. I am prepared to Plan B if there is something going on and I do that with the knowledge that she could never come back. I am alright with how I have been in Plan A and I like myself a whole lot more, and think that I am a better person than I was. Should I just ask about contact directly ?

Redhat, I was reading your post above carefully, and I am confused, what do you mean... at end of post..<p>
this does not work if WS has issues of your love? DOes that mean if ws does not think you love them?<p>thanks, honey